Judge — February 4, 1882 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

uU_ A TOAST. ps the dancing w: ‘The dizzy mountain s olen stars of night, The glow of fierce noontile; "Mid smoke of battle—or cigar, ers bright, Iltant banquet’s joys; Jn skiff or saddle, coach or ear, All's one-—He to you, hoyst Hath man a gift of speech or sons. nd word oF merry jest Some power to help a neighbor's wre Balm for some wounded breast ; Of power or wealth, or wit oF worth, He best his all employs, Who, in his little round of earth, Best saith—I Then fll the glasses round a Here's to the ol Here's to the men we might ha Here’ and you 8 drop broken toys; my drowsing, dying breath To you—Here’s to you, boys! | ADAM CLARK, Playmate Mille. Sophronia Soprano Buskinni; A Bomance in the Life of a Mellow-Dramatic Screecher, BY TARANTELLE, ‘Tue dramatic and musical galary-grabber of the City Island Bobolink was sitting at his desk writing his column of items under the head of ‘The Too-Tooning Fork, nd he had penned such paragraphs as these: Remenyt rasps resin, Liszt listens listlessly Mile, Marsh-Mallow $ macaront. nderly triturates tremulous M. Twitter Timtam tenor, lently slings sonnets so sumptuous- syllabubs serenely. As ho sat there the office boy came in and handed him a note, which read: “My Dear Me. Buoomtsanoy,—My darling friend, Mlle, Sophronta Soprano Buskinni, is at the Hippo- drome Hotel, and if you will call at four o'clock, Iwill tell you in her presence a most remarkable roman which you are at liberty to publish, but do not let her know you are going todo $0, for she is very shy, and does not wish tobe advertised to the public. ra very truly, Mus. Pivor- sow Swati.” Poor Bloomingboy was tired, and wished to fill his column for the morrow; but he took a car, and at four o'clock was in the room of Mile. Buskinni, who is known to the public as a maiden, but who is really wedded to her stage husband, Mr. Andrew Soaplock. Mlle. Buskinni sat carelessly in an arm-chair, in a “simple and elegant” dress, and was reading Carlyle’s revised edition of Francatelli's Cook Book; for, as was afterwards said in the Bob- olink, ‘she is avery serious and domestic young lady, and when not studying her parts she is engaged in the congenial duty of mak- ing some delightful dish of macaroni and mar- malade for the worthy poor.” Her friend, Mrs. Pilot-Knob Smith, who half belongs on her father’s side to the family of the Kyranques, who know much of other pcople’s business because they have none of their own—I y, this officious and trading woman was in | supe she winks her right ey the room. She looked surprised, and said, | THE JUDGE. “Oh, my dear Mr. Bloomingboy, I forgot to tell her you were coming. Never mind. My darling Sophronia, you are surprised; this is Mr. Bloomingboy, of the Bobolink.” The great mellowalramatic sereecher arose, and said, ‘ What! If I had only known it T should have been dressed more suitably.” Blooming- boy knew that she was playing on his credu- lity, and that she was studiously dressed for the oceasi but he said that he was charm- cd, charmed, charmed. He went to the side- board and took a glass of apolli “My darlin; aid Mrs. Pilot-Knob Smith, “sit right still there; do not blush; me tell Mr. Bloomingboy of your gre mance. Don'trun away, I will, I will, I will, It must be told. Sir, this is no adver- tisement. See her blush! But you may often have noticed that when dear Sophronia i about to be kissed by the supe, as he comes in to dust the carpets on the stage, she gently makes a motion with her right eye and her is lef leg? You have? ‘Thereby hangs a yellow stocking and a harrowing story. The kiss, you know, is nothing. It is a mere omnibus kiss. But you must remember all these inei- dents in the life of this mighty actress—this pearl of Pittsburg, this bon-bon of Boston, thi cherub of Chicago, this song sampler of Sa- vannah, this Columbine of Communipaw. First she was burnt out, Then her jewels were stolen by her ninth husband, who pawned them to her third husband, who sold them at auction to a politician in the Fourth Ward. You remember when she was crushed beneath the ice of Niagara, and refused to keep her gement to sing for $20,000 a night at Marry Hill's. You remember she was in the San Francisco fire, and was fired out of a Saratoga hotel because her husband, love and jealousy, had raised her nose. Now, my darling, do not blush; but Mr. Blooming- boy shall hear the romance. “1 said,” proceeded M Smith, ‘that when she is eng: » Pilot-Knob issed gently by the nd swells her left leg in her yellow stocking. Pooh! I speak in a whisper—that eye is a glass eye. Inthe year 1492 (O. S.), my darling was in Madagas- car, “The queen of that island saw her for a mo- ment, and was jealous. She went mad, cut off her wool, and swore she would never smoke a pipe of niggerhead tobacco until her rival was blind; for she was sure that she would rob her of her prince consort, Julius Jumbo Sam. Alas! Julius Jumbo Sam, the prince consort, did come in, and as he kicked the sand off his feet, he saw the great mellow- dramatic maiden of two hemispheres. He ‘shouted.’ Everybody at once stood up. The prince took the diamond hoop from his under lip, and handed it to Sophronia. He was mashed—gone. He shrunk up so fast that the royal blacksmiths could not fit tires to his feet in three days. She refused the hoop with a gentle smnile, and on her knees requested him to keep the event out of the Madagascar papers. He pined; he became limp; he was fairly crippled with his limpness. You would have thought he was an Oscar Wilde shaded off with stove polish, But he had loved. ‘The black queen of Madagascar na fitot was no lo his eyes. “But Sophronia sangto the great audiences, and Julius Jumbo Sam enjoyed her fi empty lemon bos t night she was thrown into prison, and in resisting the queen, s knocked out one of that dark sovereign’s false teeth. The missionaries had been teaching there, but their maxims were somewhat mis he ery was raised, ‘A tooth for an eye, an eye for a tooth.’ In vain Sophronia explained that it was a tooth for atooth. The queen said it came from the inissionaries who had reduced the ignorance and the color of some of the inhabitants. Sophronia had her eye destroyed in the night by some invisible powder, and was turned loose, Julius Jumbo Sam was in despair; so he took the jewel eye from the favorite idol of Madagascar, a jewel more expensive than a thousand diamonds, While she wears it she can sce splendidly, But the emissaries of Madagascar have followed her the world over, Sometimes they wreck a car in order to get ather, She has been offered millions to re- turn the jewel, but she says it's all in her She has received omnibus kisses from ble ed Romcos from Madagascar, who would ‘i to bite her eye out; but she winks and drops the jewel into her yel ing. Over a hundred men, from pearl divers to grand dukes, are employed in following her, But the magic eye detects them, A dentist or ot her under the influence of chlorofe aU took the eye. Alas for him, it was only her counterfeit every-day eye. “To-morrow night at the Humdrum Th ins her engagement. Here say in your paper that tity Ma agents will be in the audience, waiting for her by some unfortunate wink to drop the eye upon the stag 1 Have some more apollinaris, Mr. Blooming- boy? She now has the jeweled eye in her stocking. The one she is wearing is glass. Jood-morning.” Four hours later Mr. Bloomingboy had writ- ten up the story for the Bobolink, It was in type. At midnight a dispatch came: at_mellowslramatic s sera fine lump of Lehigh coal to om his understood. low st Of course, this is no reccher is in dire distress. ‘The yellow stocking, which aundress, has been lost with $ sent to th the jeweled eye, but Julius Jumbo Sam has arrived at Castle Garden, and will recover it, He will be in a box this evening with Oscar Wilde, who knows the exact shade of yellow of the stocking, ‘This is not an advertis ment. Mrs. Pilot-Knob Smith.” The theater was jammed, Bloomingboy re- ceived a bottle of apollinaris, and Mrs. Pilot- Knob Smith received a hundred dollars re- ward. wa MULLET wants to be government architect again. We do not know where he is just now; but we hope he is, as the poet says, “where the purple mullet and the gold fish rov Oscar WILDE loves to sa He is too too no-ing by hall the | made comicbooks.com