Judge — January 14, 1882 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

breaking the North Pole in half n dle. When I saw the iceberg upon us Fmadea dive into the sea, and swam two miles before c omething ur the mid: about to fall | ning to the surfuee, Se sal le times as thick as a molasses hogshead, idly Hoating by, [hastened to climb upon it, and once more returned thanks for my wondertil while all my had terrible fate, My appetite eraving resembling a cole escape, companions met such a food, Etook out of my pocket a sandwieh, Which, as may be readily believed, was not much more savory than if it had just be purchased ta railroad restaurant, Aner cutting a plece off my sandwich, 1 jabbed my knife into the log upon which I was sitting, when— What I had taken fora log was ag sea serpent, and when [stuck my knife into | course, and in Jess than tour hours Twas taken it, it gave its tail a sudden flirt, and in the | on board, My delight was further enhanced | twinklin an eye Twas hurled through | when L «the vessel had in tow the other space and lauded upon an island two hundred | half of my North Pole, As I had carved my miles distant. Alighting ina tree, the rear of | name and that of my vessel upon it, I had no my corduroy pantaloons caught upon a stout | diffieulty in proving property. limb, thus breaking my f But, as and saving my lite ou may well imagine, it was prety hard on my suspenders, However, my fate still hung in the balance— or perhaps I should say hung by my panta- loons, for I could not r ase myself from iny | perilous and awkward predicament, But for a very fortuitous circumstance I might have | remained suspended until death came to my relief—or the material in my trous weakened by the an who had accom = became Fortunately, a ied a Sunday- school picnic to the island, wandered away from the rest of the party to escape bein, called upon to climb a tree to put up a swin and espfing me, mistook me for a monste He drew a pistol pite my cries, took elements. youn ornithological specimen. from his hip-pocket and, de deliberate aim at me and fired. By a wonder- ful interposition of Providence, the bullet pass: ed through the limb from which I was sus- pended, and thus weakened, it gradually bent and finally broke, letting me touch terra firma once more. Imparting my story to the | lar in Bagdad, and I was nominated for a young man, he made some mysteri ark about oflicial bulletin,” and conducted me to making merry, 1 | was received with great kindness, and invited | to partake freely of the good things in the | lunch baskets, All of a sudden the feminine | portion of the party uttered loud sereams, and the sterner sex started up in alarm, Suppos- ing a cricket had alighted on a girl's neck, I paid no attention to the commotion ; but the pienickers, both male and female, becoming panie-stricken, I made inquiry concerning the clamor, and was informed that the notorious | James Brothers had landed upon the istand and were “going through” the assemblage, ‘Thirteen hundred persons, including myself, were urged, at the point of the pistol, to give up all their possessions, ‘They complied with | the request, and the outlaws left the grounds in a small boat heavily laden with money and dollar store jewelt: ‘The raid of the James Brothers demoralized | the pienickers, and they incontinently made rations to re 1 was kindly in- us where the picnickers were urn home. | Osea THE JUDGE. vited to accompany them, tered to old, and had a carrying I on board, it naturally parted in the middle, when half a mile from land, expert swine The vessel onvey the Sunday-school very ap ¢ thirteen hundred souls y of four hun 1 pers wl I, being an «l inured to hardships, was ing a large kly swam to it, what was my surprise and gratification to tind it the lower half ofthe North Pole, whieh had been broken in two by the i Aner lating « wha the only one save tloatix aile distant, 1 qu this thirty ix hours 1 izon which Hastily taking a water: proof rocket from a pouch strapped on my back, I applicd a match to it and it shot into the air in the direction of the strange vessel. ‘To my inexpressible joy the ship changed her speck on the he mised to be at ship igghtly sur- The vessel proved to be the Sallie Jennie, of Bagdad, and when the captain heard my story he gratefully deferred his trip to bang and carried me home. 1 immediately apprised the proprietor of the “greatest show | of my success in securing the North Pole, but upon learning that it was badly fractured he refused to pay the reward, ‘Thereupon I waxed wroth, made a few unrevised -emarks, split the pole into fragments, and realized quite a handsome sum by selling it for firewood. My wonderful adventures made me ve y popu- po- litieal office and elected. ‘The sakiry was only 2000 sequins per annum, but by close economy I manayed to save cnough in three years to build this comfortable hor ing 300,000 sequins, and resolved to forget the dships | had endured, and enjoy life, Sindbad stopped here, and opened anothe bottle of wine. After a drink all around, he bade Hindbad good-niglt, and invited him to come next day to hear more of his wonderful adventures, “Well! ated Hindbad, as he left the luxurious abode, “that Sindbad is the most colossal liar Lever encountered, He hasn’tthe | slightest regard for what Dr. Agnew ‘technical exactitudes.’ He beats the trout exaggerator two to one. T wouldn't Anau that way for all the wealth in Bagdad. will be ‘late’ when I call round to-morrow to hear more of his gas-‘metering—and don't you fail co memorize it!” And Hindbad thanking Providence t a poor but honest country editor who could not tell a lie—un- less he saw it in an esteemed cotemporary. JW. ls the returned home he Qvenry in social ethics: If there never had been a du Maurier, would there have been an r Wilde? Pannox the expression, but is the new even- ceived a | | livious of the snow storm that was raz | fiere around with an air of conviction. silent for sé man, The Creation ot Eve [REVISED EDITION fF the hh to slumber his Adam, even he tribe of Noman, his con Behold he counteth are there; yea to make suri strayed from his side. And he slumbereth. Now it came to pass that wt to know it all that none have th sun arose Adam did likewise And again he counted his yea the framework of his body, and lo and behold fone is missing. ribs, Adam cast up his eyes aud cried aloud, saying: “Who is he that hath stolen my rib? Let him return it or I cateh a ec And again he cried “Who is he? Then lo and behold! Eve came torth, and she said: “Le loined th Adam! tis not a fe that hath | rib, It is a n I,K am your lost rib, somewhat improved up While you slept your mb was taken frei yor , and served as the foundation on which I was built.” And “Tt is well, If one rib can bring me so much joy I hope to lose then all. Verily, 1 will again to slumber, and while in that condition may every bone in my body leave me, to return a blessing when I awake.” Behold Adam again slumbereth; but, verily, to this day the number of his bones remains the same; yea, nom And Eve rejoiccth she; ev dam said e ribs have been ta ly in her heart, w. Unanswerable ‘They were seated around the red-hot stove ofa tavern in a little village in Kentucky, ob- ng «hiseussion y without, ‘The subjects of were toddy and the Guiteau trial. “Yes, gentlemen,” said the blacksmith, who was noted near and far for the power of his argument, “the trial at Wash farce, and the sooner that is strung up the better, than you or 1.” “Tdun’ know, 1 dun’ know,” dubiously res marked the man who kept store at th roads. You don't know!” echoed the blacksmith, gazing warmly at him, “Why, when Tread in the county papers some months ago that the poor President died from blood-poisoning, 1 ays I— Thecowardly varmint ying the insanity dodge! For, it ton is amere scoundrel Guiteau He is no more crazy cross: 3 to myself, only pl he had the cunning forethought to poison each of the bullets before he loaded his pistol, thinking thereby to make a sure job of it, why, it only goes to prove that he is too devilish sane the common good, Them’s my senti- ments!” He paused, inverted his glass, and looked: All were me time. ‘Then the cvoss-roads in a scarcely audible voice, ordered ing paper, The Press, an outcome of the Ex- press? | toddy for the crowd. MALCOLM DOUGLAS. comicbooks.com