Judge — December 31, 1881 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A Type o' Hypo. I awa hypochondriac. I've pains in head and lega and back, I fear the draught from every crack; In fact, I'm wholly off the track. My doctor’s bills are large, alack! And there's no help in all the pack, From New Orleans to Fond-du-Lac. At health resorts I've had my whac! And lived on druggists’ brie I'm nervous as a jumpingjack, My nerves are always on the rack. I totter like a worn-out hack. My wife keeps up a constant clack, And wishes she had married Mac, And not a hypochondriae. Christmas Among the City Statesmen. Does the average New York statesman ever think of Christinas? Does he for weeks be- fore the day, when all civilized beings shoud rejoice, trip lightly by the toy stores and candy shops, and the places where delightful gifs are displayed for sale, casting shy glances at them as he passes? Does he tuck himself away in his little bed on Christmas Eve, and go to sleep to dream of what Claus may bring him? Does he awake be fore the cocks begin to crow, and trip from the room to gaze in admiration upon a hand- somely festooned tree whose branches bear wax candles and bon bons and toys, arranged by loving bands, and placed in rm and cheerful room? Or does he fill himself with benzine on the night before Christmas, and cursing Kelly or Thompson or Arthur, tumbl into bed with his boots on, and arouse bim- self in the morning only to say, ‘Oh, what a head I've got on me?" ‘These ar that have s minds of people out side of the political world since Noah took command of the ark, and THE JevGE has de: termined that they shall remain unanswered no longer. While it may be true that in an exciting the ave statesman is ready to deny the respectability of his parents if by so doing he might further | his chances of success, yet there is at least one day when he relaxes his: hold upon the | wickedness of his profession, and recalling perhaps the little stocking of his childhood days, welcomes glorious old Santa Claus, the king of Christmas Day. ‘Tie Jvpcr: has ex- nined the stockings, and has found them all filled, but whether the gifts will please the statesmen is almost as uncertain as betting | upon the verdict of a jury. First looking into President Arthur's stoci ing, THe Jepcr found it filled with the good | wishes and kindly asscrances of a people who lamented the death of his illustrious prede- cessor, It waa brimming over with admirs tion for his superb management during his brief occupancy of the executive chair of the nation. John Kelly’s eyes snapped as though he was about to say again, as he did when the questions aggered th political campaign clouds were darkest for him, “But Jobn | Kelly still lives, and Tammany will yet be vie- | torious,” when he beheld his stocking filled THE JUDGE. with a majority of the Democratic members of the Legislature from the county of New York. Hubert O. Thompson's stocking was stutfed with millions for a new viaduct and for his water meter scheme, and his heart ws gladdened by the shouts of deep-dyed states: | men who blocked the street in front of his ele- gant home and shouted, “Tweed again, Long live Thompson !” Henry D. Purroy’s stoc come ngs were too small | to hold the clubs which were sent to him to | be used in acking the skulls of statesmen who may disagree with him as the man in the Nyack convention did. Poor Tom Costigan, round and fat, but sad, discovered his stockings filled with letters from the Democratic reformers of his district asking him whether he had yet found the ballots which they should have had from him in his Assembly district on election day. Police Justice Maurice J, Powers’ stock- ing bursted with a chapter in the life of a Marine Court clerk. Randolph B. Martine received a mirror to be fastened to his shirt band, so that he may unceasingly admire his manly beauty. Police Justice Andrew J, White's stockin flowed over with some of the choic mens of the products Island. of his own swe Police Justice Henry Murray 4 hand on his heart as he saw his stockings filled with the smiles of the beauties at the church fairs attended by him for forty years. “Tommy” Shickls, the aldern ched from his long stockings a French dictional and a biography of ex-Alderman Bryan Reilly and ex-Marshal Charles Reilly. “Nick” Muller, ex-Congressman, aud the real friend of the poor of the lower district, rubbed his fat hands as tears filled his eyes, and poured from his stockings the ‘Ic bless yous ” sent by members of families. “Pat” Keena en nany wretched n, President of the Board of Alderme! 1 pairs of stockings filled with the blessings of car conductors and drivers who owe their positions to his influ- “ Jimmy ” Oliv ed with the knives with which pretended friends used to stab him in the back on clec- 's Christmas-box was pack tion day when he was a candidate for Civil Justice. Justice John Callahan received a portrait of exJudge Denis Quinn, who viewed with “alar-rum the increase of the Germin jliment in this country of ours.” John Fox, the ex-Senator, was presented with a copy of Tweed’s opinion of his ingrati- tude towards the latter when the Ring was sma Senator Thomas F. Grady, the ‘golden- tengued,” found his stocking filled with the congratulations of friends who praised him for his steadfastness to Tammany in defeat as well as victory. Colonel Michael C. Murphy, one of the no- blest Romans of them all, looked into his stock- ing and beheld the plaudits of his poor con- stituents who said that he might well be proud that he is one of the few men who returned from a Legislature a poor man, when he might (SUPPLEMENT. | have come back a millionaire had he sold out their interest Edward Cahill, than whom no mor and yet more successful politi produced in New York, found ple turning from his stockings the thanks of men whose positions 0 | quiet been sure in power were mainly obtained through his kindly offic ExSenator Ecclesine found that the goats had eaten his stockings. He lives in what is known as the Goat district. EX-Senators Hogan and Seehacher, the vated Railway representatives in the last | State Senate, did not examine their stockings for fear of finding them filled with the curses of the poor, Hogan and Scchacher defeated the Dill to reduce the fare on the elevated roads to fi Judge “Tim” Campbell picked from his stocking his appointment as an Associate Jus- tice of the Court of Appes letter from Secbacher, setting forth that he (See- bacher) hoped his “righdt arm ma lyzed if ever T go back on Shudge Bat this letter was written ay did_go back on Campbell, and it | that Seebacher’s arm is paralyzed, Justice Alfred Stickler, the youngest Ju | in New York, found his ste ts for positions in his court, and imme- diately fled to Bermuda. John J. O'Brien, Clerk of the Bureau ot Elections, said that he was sorry he did not know carlier in the evening how many votes Astor wanted when he for Cor against Flower, and without looking at his stocking hurried after Assemblyman Brodsky, in order to sce that that interesting | young man didn’t move hand or foot until per- mitted to do so by him. Colonel” John R. Fellows, who was a com. | missary in the Confederate | prates of honesty in the Democratic party, found in his stocking several picees of p: bearing his signature, and the words + good” stamped in red letters upon t James O'Brien, “Jimmy,” the man, received a handsomely entitled: “The Wande and Jerome of Europ Is, and also. be bara- ampbell, He is too tr ngs filled with requ ran army, and who Pm. x-Congress- ds volume mes O'Brien Crowned Heads Buck among the y, the Chief of the Ollaga- received a roast turkey and a bottle of champagne from Gabe Case, and shouting | Down with it,” took a nip from the old black bottle on the shelf. Colonel John Tracy, Chief Clerk of the Jef- ferson Market Police Court, found his stocking filled with the thanks of newspaper reporters, who found him, as Mayor Cooper's secretary, a trump card every time. “Barney” Biglin, akey” Patterson, “Hughey " Kerrigan, of Cobweb Iall; Colonel George Bliss, Robert Van Wyck, Justice Sol. Smith, Commissioner “ Jake” Hess, Congress- man John Hardy, Alderman “Joe” Strack, “Paddy” Burns, Big Tom Brennan, Ed. Moore, Denis Burns, the member for Sligo, and the rest of the army that flocks around the Astor House by day, and ex-Alderman Haughton’s, Phil Milligan’s, and the Fifth Avenue Hotel by night,were all supplied with gifts more or less inviting. comicbooks.com