Beadle's New York Dime Library No. 380 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

os knew how many votes Uncle Billy carried ‘‘ in his breeches pocket;” and he was too shrewd to provoke, by unseasonable “airs,” the putting of a ‘‘ dark horse” in the field in a certain pend- ing election. Tor the same reason he was the extreme of complaisance to Mrs. Spike with his lips, while he execrated her in his heart. She, reading him ‘“‘ like a book,” yet with her ambition satisfied, was all sweetness in return. He should have his Appropriation bill; but she had him ! So in due time this ill-assorted committee en- “tered upon its investigations. The papers had leaders discounting the in- vestigation with the demand that the Heathen ‘must go;” and in the gossip corner appeared paragraphs hinting mysteriousy at the signifi- cance of that society’s pet, sweet Lispinard, making one of the party, which was graced by the Hon. Mrs. Spike and her charming and ac- complished daughter. There was but one drop of gall in Mrs. Spike’s cup of otherwise perfect felicity. The enterprising Chronicle sent its spiciest re- porter to serve to the dear public with its break- fast coffee, a graphic picture of the Silver Riffle region. Abigail blushed, Hugh smiled, and the Hon, Mrs, Spike groaned: ‘* Contwist his ugly pictur?!” In the coach, which bore them through some of the grandest scenery in the world, Judge Littlejohn sat morosely in the corner, bundled to the chin in his great-coat, nursing his discon- tent Jike a bear with a sore head. Equally oblivious to Nature’s gratuitous dis- play of her wonders, Uncle Billy Hodgson held forthon the then existing political muddle, with a marvelous grasp of statistics equaled only by his unruffled cheerfulness and enthusiastic faith in the ultimate triumph of the party. He had the thing down to a demonstration. The Hon. Benoni Spike, who was the only one who even pretended to listen to Uncle Billy’s complicated mathematical puzzle, sat nervously on the edge of the seat, glancing apprehensively from side to side out of the coach windows. To him a yawning chasm suggested the possibility of a linchpin dropping out, while a bowlder was the presumptive hiding-place of some con- scienceless road-agent. Lispipard de Morgan yawned and exhausted his meager power of expressing his sense of the situation, by- declaring that they had “got themselves in a jolly mess, coming into a region which was as far from having English roads as English hedge-rows. A new country was ro- mantic and all that, but deuced uncomfortable, ye know!” This crushing criticism was delivered in a vague sort of way to Abigail, who, under the admonition of her mother’s frown, gave one ear to the peevish inanities of his pecs while drinking in through the other Hugh Cole’s ani- mated comment on the scenery. Hugh laughed in his sleeve, as he contrasted the stately politeness with which the mother fol- lowed his suggestion, with the quick glance of the daughter in the direction he pointed out. He was at his best. His fund of anecdote and illus- tration seemed inexhaustible. In vain did the Hon. Mrs. Benoni try to ‘‘shut him off.” He outflanked all her subtle maneuvers, as politely as dexterously. Like the prudish spinster who had daily for forty years been looking for a man where she did not wish to find one, the Hon. Benoni Spike was the only one of the party who was at all prepared for the interruption that broke in upon their varied interests. It came in the time-honored form of the Far West. “Halt! Throw up your bands!” “‘T hyear ye, my boy!” responded the stage- driver, cheerfully. “Whoa! Stiddy, Mariar!” And the coach came to an abrupt stand-still, while the restive off leader forced her yoke-fol- low round until their noses were at the wheel. CHAPTER XI. UNCLE BILLY’sS FINANCIERING, ALL within the coach were startled. ‘*Good Lord!” groaned the Hon. Benoni Spike; and he collapsed in total demoralization. “Eh!” ejaculated Judge Littlejohn, starting out of his morose isolation. ‘‘ Blow me tight!” cried Uncle Billy Hodgson, with a look of cheerful astonishment. ‘The boys have called us!’ “By Jove, ye know!” protested sweet Lis- pinard de Morgan, ‘this 13 in deuced pooah taste! The beggahs may give us trouble.” ‘“Tt’s a game that two can play at!” said Hugh Cole, coolly, clapping bis hand to his hip. “Oh, Mr. Cole!” interposed Abigail, seizing his arm, all in a pretty panic. ‘ Don’t offer any resistance! What is our money compared with your life?” Hugh looked into the blue depths of her startled, pleading eyes; and in the thrill of ecstasy which her solicitude woke in his breast the road-agents without were almost blotted from his thoughts. How like some artist’s ideal, chiseled in purest ! sings such a chipper tune that I’d like to hear OOOO ene emma -ecustoms of the country! cool reception of his homage, Uncle Billy The a nee + 9 “ eee marble, was her face—the pale cheek; the blood- less lips, but for their tremulousness; the deli- cate nostrils, through whose pink ale the light shone as through a thin shell; the smooth, round- ed brow! what he makes of slower measure. Strike him where he lives!” ‘**Come! shell out!” ordered Ab, tersely. ‘*Good! good! Ha! ha! ha!” roared Uncle Billy, as if he had not heard so rare a joke fora All of which was very pretty for him, but year. not at all to the taste of the designing mamma! ‘*Eh? What air ye tryin’ to git through ye?” ‘** Benoni Spike!” she cried, ‘‘are you or are asked the outlaw, with a black frown, ata you not the legal as well as natural protector of | loss to make out this unusual manner of re- our child? I ask nothin’ of you in my behalf; sponding to a call for wayside contributions. but—” Not at all disturbed, Uncle Billy proceeded ‘* My dear Mrs. Spike!” interposed Uncle Billy | to explain his understanding of the joke. Hodgson, as blind as any mole to this little | ‘Shell out, ye know—shells, nut-shells, with- maternal finesse, ‘‘ there ain’t the least mite of | out any kernel. My dear Ab, you must have a call for a scare. The boys will have their , twigged my occupation.” little amusement; but, Lord bless you, ma’am! | ‘‘ Hang yer occupation!” growled the outlaw. they’re as harmless as kittens.” ‘“*Tt’s money as talks, Plank the ready with- He beamed upon everybody, rubbing his | out nary more foolishness. Ye can’t zwei- hands as with a keen relish, | nickel me!” ‘Take it coolly, and above all things good- ‘“Money!” cried Uncle Billy, elevating his naturedly. Variety is the spice of life. No, brows as if he had never before heard of s0 as- matter what turns up, call it a joke—a huge | tonishing a demand. “Is it money you're joke, aad you will find yourself on the laughing | after? Why, I thought al! along that it was side of it. Why, what did we come hyer for, | glory!” I'd like to know? To learn the manners and “Tl send you to glory if you don’t come We're learnin’ ’em!” | down!” And he winked and threw back his head, with) ‘* But, my dear sir, I never have any money!” his mouth agape. ‘** Never have any money?” ‘Let the horses alone, and keep your hands | ‘ Never!” where they won’t be getting into mischief!” ‘** Look a’ hyar, old chap! commanded a high-pitched, musical voice. o’ your gaff!” ‘‘Eh? Listen to that!” cried Uncle Billy, a ‘*But Pm tellin’ you a plain fact in all seri- new delight beaming in his eyes. ‘It’s a mere | ousness,.” lad, as l’m a mortal sinner! Well, well, gentle- | ‘‘ Never have no money?” men! what won’t this hyar climate produce,; ‘‘ Never,” and Uncle Billy turned his pockets when our very children take to the revolver be- | inside out, showing that they contained nothing fore they are fairly out of their bib and tucker? , but a bunch of keys and a pen-knife., A wonderful country!—a wonderful country! ‘‘Hang me ef I wouldn't like to have some I always said if; and now I'll swear to it!” of your cheek, then, as you travel this’ wide In the midst of his enthusiasm a horse was | world through!” cried the disgusted outlaw. reined up beside the coach, and its rider threw | ‘*T ama politician,” explained Uncle Billy, as open the door, commanding: if it were the simplest thing in the world. ‘*Come out of there; and come without delay! ‘*But how do ye pay yer debts?” asked the You will do well to obey without cayil! Re- | robber, following the matter up curiously, member that a bullet ends all debate with unan- ‘‘ Ho! we never pay any debts!” said Uncle swerable logic!” Billy, with an indulgent smile. ‘We only ‘*A woman!” gasped Uncle Billy, opening his surfs asort of balance once in a while, when eyes to their widest extent to express his aston- | the oppertunity offers.” ishment, ‘‘A female woman! Gee-lo-ry-ink-| ‘An’ how do ye strike a balance without no tum !” money ?”’ There could be no question of the fact. “Why, you see, I have a barrel at home, Although the face was hidden behind a black , full of bills—not bank bills, you understand, mask, the contour of the figure, apart from all | but bills for merchandise had.” considerations of dress, revealed the sex of the ‘* The deuce you have!” rider to an intelligent eye. **Oh, yes! That’s not at all uncommon— Her dress was a compromise between the cos- | with a politician. When I want anything, I tume of a caballero and the ordinary riding- ; order it sent round, with the bill; and then I habit of a Spanish lady. throw the bill into the barrel. That’s how they Of course she rode in a manner which would | collect.” have scandalized an American woman, though ‘*An’ nary a one of ’em receipted, I'll be so common with the sex in Mexico; and for | bound!” greater convenience her bottas of Cordovan ‘*Receipted? Of course not. They would he leather, armed with golden spurs, reached to | of no more use than so much waste-paper, if mid-thigh. they were receipted. As it is, they are as pre- I don’t want none Her hair, doubtless plaited and arranged com- | cious as love-letters.” pactly on the top of her head, was concealed be- ‘An’ what good are they without bein’ re- neath a silken handkerchief, the whole sur- ceipted, I'd like to know?” mounted by a sombrero of most gorgeous de- * Why, they are the instruments of my power. scription. They call for votes.” Seen through the eye-holes of her mask, her “Hang me if l’d vote for a man that owed great, dark, liquid eyes seemed to fairly scintil- _me money!” late with an altogether unangelic emotion. ‘*You wouldn’t? That shows that you can't But to Uncle Billy a woman was a woman. see beyond the end of your nose, Come up to ‘* Bless their leetle gizzards!” he was wont to | our section, an’ we’ll teach you a thing or two,” say, ‘‘they’re all angels of one kind or the other | ‘‘ You kin give me a pointer now, if you’rea —angels of light, or angels of darkness! And . mind to.” blow me if I know which holds over t’other! | ** Well, you see, it works like this, When an like a dash o’ the devil in ’em, an’ no mistake!” | ambitious man comes to me and says—Uncle Now he turned abruptly to Hugh Cole, and Billy, I want this office or that cffice, I roll up grasping his hand with hearty congratulation, | my sleeve, go down into the barrel, and fish up cried; what Ican grab of the bills. ‘ There!’ says I. ‘** Don, my boy, this is the item you have been | ‘I keep a little autograph album. When you looking for all your life! Write it up!—write it bring me the autographs of my friends’on these up strong! Somewhere between the cradle and | loose slips, youre as good as elected.’ That the grave, there’s bound to come a time when | humors his whim for fame; en’ the boys chuckle every man wishes he was a reporter. I envy | as they pocket the sugar, an’ call me a clever ou your knack at quill-drivin' now! If I stood | fellow. They’d rather take his money than | in your shoes, [’d make that woman famous—or | mine, any day.” infamous! ha! ha! ha!—the world round!” ‘But, my Christian friend,” pursued Uncle Without break he turned from the reporter to | Billy, taking the robber by tae sleeve, and low- the female outlaw, and advancing through the | ering his voice confidentially, ‘‘if yeu adopt my coach door, addressed her, lifting his hat gal- | way, always take the bills from the top. It’s lantly. the fellows—hang ’em!—tbat have waited on vcu ‘** Madam, we are all yovr most humble ser- | the shortest time that makes the greatest row. vants! For myself, I beg you to believe th t | After they have been buried out of sight in the this is the proudest hour of my life! I am a | barrel for a year or two, they git used to it, an’ zealous advocate of women’s rights; and I hail | don’t expect anything.” you as a sort of a—a—a Ceesar, so to speak, of ‘“Not from the likes o’ you, Pll go bail!” the sex!” laughed an Irishman of the road-agent party. The Queen of the Road Agents looked at him ‘Then what’s the use of my carryin’ a pocket- curiously, without replying, or relaxing the in- ; hook, when I have so many friends to carry it dentation between her straight brows. for me?” continued Uncle Billy. ‘‘A careless She waved her hand, to indicate her wish that ; fellow like me would be forever losin’ his money he pass on and leave room for the others to! or gettin’ robbed !” alight. nele Billy winked and the robbers laughed, His cheerfulness not at all dampened by this | forgetting to be annoyed at not getting anything out of him more substantial than—gas! CHAPTER XII. THE MAJOR-GENERAL ‘‘ KICKS,” MEANWHILE the rest of the party were alight- ing from the coach, in obedience to the cem- mand of the Road-Agent Queen. ‘“* A pretty kettle of Seo Judge Little- john, reflecting on thé chaff he would be pelted with by the newspapers, and secretly anathe- a beamed as genially on the bearded fellows who, armed to the teeth like the cut-throats they were, rode at her back. mm ‘* Well, boys,” he said, “‘hyere we are again! What's trumps?” ‘Rocks, boss; an’ we're a-callin’ yer!” was the quick reply. “ fur ‘im, Ab!” cried a coll Cane = (2) as (- ~ aa . com Ebooks