Beadle's Half Dime Library, No. 12 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Beadle’s HalfDime Library. | ma a a ~~ 14 the sound. Before the spinet a bench was placed about four feet below the keys, and I was put thebench. I ransideling upon it, that way and this, as fast as i could, ban e proper keys with my two sticks, and made a shift to play a jig, to the great satisfaction of both their majesties. But it was the most violent exercise I ever underwent; and yet I could not strike above sixteen keys, nor conse- qoaeely play the bass and treble t her, as other do, which was a great vantage to my performance. these lords had ow they came by ments? What share of know in the laws of their country, and their fellow-subjects, in the last resort? Whether they were always so free from avarice, partialities, or want, that a bribe, or some other sinister view, meee among them? Whether those romoted to that could have no holy lords I spoke of were always upon account of their knowledge in religious matters, and the sanctity of their lives; had never been compliers with the times while they were com- rebellions, murders, m revolutions, banish- ments, the very worst effects that. avarice, faction, hypocrisy, perfidiousness, cruelty, rage, madness, ha- tred, envy, lust, malice and ambition, could produce. His majesty, in another audience, was at the pains to recapitulate the sum of all I had spoken; compar- ed the questions he made with the answers I hed given; then taking me into his hands, and strokin me Bently, delivered himself in these words, which 1 shall never forget, nor the manner he spoke them in: “My little friend Grildrig, you have madea most ad. The king, who, as I before observed, was a prince | mon priests; or slavish prostitute chaplains to some | mirable panegyric upon your country; you have | of excellent understanding, would uently order | nobleman, whose opinions they continued servilely | clearly proved that ignorance, idleness, and vice, are that I should be brought in my box, and set upon the | to follow, after they were admitted into that assem- | the proper ingredients for qualifying a le tor: table in his closet; he would then command me to bly? that laws are best explained a a an applied : lee y ers of my chairs out of the box, and sit down e then desired to know what arts were practiced | by those whose interest and abilities lie in pervert- wi three yards’ distance upon the top of the | inelecting those whom I called commoners; whether | ing, confounding, and eluding them. I observe cabinet, which brought me almost to a level with bis face. In this manner I had several conversations with him; I one day took the freedom to tell his majesty, that the contempt he discovered toward Europe, and the rest of the world, did not seem an- swerable to those excellent qualities of mind that he was master of; that reason did not extend itself with the bulk of the body; on the contrary, we observed in our country, that the tallest persons were usually the least provided with it; that among other animals, bees and ants had the reputation of more industry it so as to enable them to decide the properties of a stranger, with a strong purse, might not influence the vulgar voters to choose him before their own landlord, or the most considerable gentleman in the neighborhood? How it came to pass that people were so violently bent upon getting into this assem- bly, which I allowed to be agreat trouble and ex- ae, often to he a of me Lieeramabenvends any salary or pension cause a suc an exalted strain of virtue and public spirit, that his majesty seemed to doubt it might possibly not be always sincere. And he desired to know, whether among you some lines of an institution, which, in its original, might have been tolerable, but these half erased, and the rest wholly blurred and blotted by corruption. It does not appear, from all you have said, how any one perfection is required toward the Saige he pe of any one station among you; much ess, that men are ennobled on account of their vir- tue; that priests are advanced for their piety or learning; soldiers, for their conduct or valor; judges, for their integrity; senators, for the love of their Snare hy counselors for their wisdom. As for ell, art and sagacity, than many of the larger kinds; and | such zealous gentlemen could have any views of re- | yourself,’’ continued thé king, “‘who have spent the that, as inconsiderable as he took me to be, I ho funding themselves for the char and trouble | greatest part of your life in traveling, I am well dis- I t live to do his majesty some signal service. | they were at, by sacrificing the public good to the | posed to hope you a. hitherto have escaped The king heard me with attention, and began to con- | designs of a weak and vicious prince, in conjunction | many vices of your country. But, by what I have . = FES os toe z= eee = ceive a much better opinion of me than he had ever | witha Maly os ea ministry? ve him as exact an | tions, and sift sibly | head before. He desired I would account of the government of land asI could; , as fond as princes commonly are of their own customs (for so he conjectured of othe monarchs by my former discourses), he should be = to hear of anything that might deserve imita- | é multiplied his. ques- ed me thoroughly on every part of this pro ing numberless inquiries and objections, which I think it not prudent or convenient to repeat. Upon what I said in relation to our courts of jus- tice, his majesty desired to be satisfied in several ints; and this I was the better able to do, having n formerly almost ruined by a long suit in chan- n. Imagine with thyself, courteous reader, how often | cery, which was decreed for me, with costs. He asked, I then wished for the tongue of Demosthenes or Cicero, that might have enabled me to celebrate the praise of my own dear native country, in a style e to its merits and felicity. ' I began my discourse by sm ipa his winey that our do ons consisted of two islands, whic cature, whence there can be no appeal; and to i | | what time was usually spent in determining between — and abd and what degree of expense? ether advocates and orators had liberty to plead in causes va ges xa known to be nnyust, vexatious or oppressive? Whether party, in religion or politics were observed to be of any weight in the scale o they were ever admitted as members in the lower athered from your own relation, and the answers I ave with much pains wringed and extorted from you, I cannot but conclude the bulk of your natives to be the most pernicious rece of little odicus vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth,”’ . CHAPTER VII. NotHta but an extreme love of truth could have hindered me from concealing this part of my story. It was in vain to discover my resentments, which were always turned into ridicule; and I was fore to rest with patience, while my noble and beloved country was so injuriously treated. Iam as heartily sorry as any of my readers can gs! be, that hide the frailties and deformities of my political com three mighty kingdoms, under one sov- | justice? Whether those pleading orators were per- | such an occasion was given; but this prince ha | besides our antations in erica. I dwelt | sons educated in the general knowledge of equity, pened to be so curious and inquisitive 2 on every long upon the fert y of our soil, ie the tempera- | or only in provincial, national, and other local cus- | particular, that it could not consist either wit ture of our climate. Ithen spoke at large upon the | toms? Whether they or their judges had any part | gratitude or good manners, to refuse giving him | constitution of an English parliament; partly made | in penning those laws, which ey assumed the lib- | what satisfaction I was able. Yet thus much I m up of an illustrious body, called the House of Peers, | erty of interpreting, and glossing upon at their | be allowed to say in my own vindication, that I a ) persons of the noblest blood and of the most ancien leasure? Whether they at different times, pleaded | fully eluded many of his questions, and gave to every | and ample patrimonies. I described, that extraordi- | for and against the same cause, and cited prece- soap a more favorable turn, by many degrees, than naiey’ are was always taken of their education in | dents to prove contrary opinions? Whether they | the strictness of truth would allow. For I have al- : arts and arms, to qualify them for being counselors | were a rich or a poor corporation? Whether they | ways borne that laudable perenty to my own coun- both to the king and kingdom; to have asharein the | received my pecuniary reward for pleading, or de- | try, which Dionysius Halicarnassensis, with so | ] ture; to be members of the highest court of | livering their opinions? And particularly, whether | much justice, recommends to an historian: I would } champions always ge for the defense of their wince and country, by their valor, conduct, and fidelity. That these were the ornament and bulwark of the kingdom, worthy followers of their most re- senate? He fell next upon the management of our treas- ury; and said he thought my memory had failed me, because I computed our taxes at about five or mother, and place her virtues and beauties in the most advantageous light. This was my sincere en- deavor in those many discourses I had with. that monarch, although it unfortunately failed of suc- SS > > | @ nowned ancestors, whose honor had been the reward | six millions a year, and when I came to mention the | cess. | | of their virtue from which their porary were | issues, he found they sometimes amounted to more But great allowances should be given to a kin ¥ never once known to degenerate. o these were | than double; for the notes he had taken were very | who lives He came secluded from the rest of the world, a oined séveral holy persons, as part of that assem- | particular in this point, because he hoped, as he told | and must therefore be altogether unacquainted with ’ iy. under the title of bishops, whose peculiar busi- | me, that the knowledge of our conduct might be | the manners and customs that most prevail in other | | ness is to take care of religion, and of those who in- | useful to him, and he could not be deceived in his | nations; the want of which knowledge will ever pro- BSG. struct the people therein. These were searched and | calculations. But, if what I told him were true, he | duce many prejudices, and a certain narrowness of ht out through the whole nation, by the prince | was still at a loss how a kingdom could run out of | thinking, from'which we, and the poe countries and his wisest counselors, among such of the priest- | its estate, like a private person. He asked me, who | of Euro are wholly exempted. And it would be hood as were most deservedly distinguished by the | were our creditors; and where we found money to | hard indeed, if so remote a prince’s notions of virtue Py sanctity of their life, and the depth of their erudi- | pay them? He wondered to hear me talk of such | and vice were to be offered asa standard for all ae tion; who were, indeed, the spiritual fathers of the chargeable and expensive wars; that certainly we | mankind. 7 and the people. must be a quarrelsome people, or live among very To confirm what I have now said, and further to | that the other part of the parliament consisted of | bad neighbors; and that our generals must needs | show the miserable effects of a confined education, I an assembly, called the House of Commons, who | be richer than our kings. He asked, what business | shall here insert a passage, which will hardly obtain were all principal gentlemen, freely picked and | we had out of our own islands, unless upon the score | belief. In hopes to ingratiate myself further into his culled out by the people themselves, for their great | of trade, or treaty, or to defend the coasts with our | majesty’s favor, I told him of an invention, discover- abilities and love of their country, to represent the | fleet? Above all, he was amazed tu hear me talk of | ed between three and four hundred years ago, to wisdom of the whole nation. And that these two | a mercenary standing army, in the midst of peace, | make a certain Poe into a heap of which, the ted bodies made up the most i ig assembly in Europe; | and among a free people. He said, if we were gov- | smallest spark of fire falling, would kindle the whole to whom, in conjunction with the prince, the whole | erned by our consent, in the persons of our repre- | in a moment, although it were as big as a mountain, ture is commited. sentatives, he could not imagine of whom we were | and make it all fly up in the air together, with a F a then descended to the courts of justice, over | afraid, or against whom we were to fight; and | noise and agitation greater than thunder. Thata which the judges, those venerable sages and inter- | would hear my opinion, whether a private man’s | proper quantity of this powder, rammed into a hol- s * preters of the ine. presided, for determining thedis- | house might not be better defended by himself, his | low tube of brass or iron, according to its bigness, ted rights and properties of men, as well as for ment of vice and protection of innocence. e Imentioned the prudent management of our treas- he valor and achievements of our forces by sea t ‘eal by land. I computed the number of our people by reckoning how many millions there might be of each religious sect or political party among us, I did not omit even our sports and pastimes, or any other ular which I thought ht redound to the honor of my country. And I finished all with a brief historical account of affairs and events in England for about a hundred years past. gs conversation was not ended under five audi- ences, each of several hours; and the king heard the whole with great attention, frequently taking notes as well as memorandums of what children, and family, than by half a picked up at a venture in the streets for small wages, fies mig t geta hundred fimes more by cutting their roats He laughed at my odd kind of arithmetic, as he was pleased to call it, in reckoning the numbers of our people by a computation drawn from the several sects among us, in religion and politics. He said, he knew no reason why those who entertain opinions prejudicial to the public should be obliged to change, or should not be obliged to conceal them. And as it was tyranny in any government to require the first, so it was weakness not to enforce the second; fora man may be allowed to keep poisons in hi closet, but not to vend them about for cordials. ozen rascals, He observed, that among the diversions of our no- would drive a ball of iron or lead with such violence and speed, as nothing was able to sustain its force. That the largest balls thus discharged, would not only destroy whole ranks of an army at once, but batter the strongest walls to the ground; sink down ships, with a thousand men in each, to the bottom of the sea; and when linked together by a chain, would cut through masts and rigging, divide hundreds of bodies in the middle, and lay all waste before them. That we often put this powder into large hol- low balls of iron, and discharged them by an engine into some distant city we wer. besieging, which would rip up the pavements, tear the houses to pieces, burst and throw splinters on every side, dashing out the brains of all who came near. That I reee the ingre- dients very well, which were cheap and common; of t I spoke autttia ha intended to ask me. bility and gentry, I had mentioned gaming; he de- | I understood the manner of compounding them, and y When I had put an end to these long discourses, sired to know at what age this entertainment was | could direct his workmen how to make those tubes, his majesty, in a sixth audience, consulting his notes, | usually taken up, and when it was laid down; how | of asize proportionable to all other t - Fa not be ed many doubts, queries, and objections, upon Siete article. He nated what atlas were used to cultivate the minds and bodies of our young no- bility, and in what kind of business they commonly gpent the first and teachable part of their lives? ‘What course was taken to supply that _assembl when any noble family became extinct? What - ifications were necessary in those who are to be cre- much of their time it employed; whether it ever went so high as to affect their fortunes; whether mean, vicious people, by their dexterity in that art, might not arrive at t riches, and sometimes keep our very nobles in dependence, as well as habituate them to vile companions; wholly take them from the In- rovement of their minds, and force them, by the osses they received, to learn and practice that in- bh h eed Is his igh im majesty’s kingdom, and tHe largest_ ne above a hundred feet long; twenty or thirty of which tubes, charged with the proper quantity of powder and balls, would batter down the walls of the strong- est town in his dominions in a few hours, or destroy the whole metropolis, if ever it should pretend to dispute his absolute commands. This I humbly of- fered to his majesty, as a small tribute of acknowl- : “ds: of the prince, a'| famous dexterity upon others. edgment, in re for sO many marks that I had suid We a rany nae cont? BAY, , ra de of 6 was ot lastonished with the historical ac- | received of his royal favor and protection. - tretigthéning © party opposite to the. bite interest, count I gave him of our affairs d the last cen- The king was struck with horror at the description over Enppeud to be the motives in those advance- | tury; protesting it was only a heap of conspiracies, | I had given of those terrible engines, and the pro- JOCKS EOMIC — —_— =