The Argosy, December 1905 — page 103: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A COLLEGE CONSPIRACY. BY WILLIAM HAMILTON OSBORNE. The lamentable drowning of ‘‘ Gussie’? Smith and how it set press and faculty agog. T would be unfair at this late date, when all institutions of learning have turned over a new leaf and have completely abolished that unknown quantity called hazing—it would ‘ be wholly unfair to state the exact name or location of that great university which constituted the alma mater of Charles Augustus Smith. It is enough to say that fully one- third of the college men in the East constantly swear by that same college and its mental and physical supremacy, and as constantly swear at all the other colleges. But for the sake of con- venience it must be named, and the name of Birdseye University will suit it just as well as any other. ‘This is especially appropriate, for be if known that it is situated, not on the regular line of any railroad, but is the attractive terminus of a small spur, and those travelers who do not board the jigger train upon this spur catch nothing but a birdseye view of Birdseye University. Now, Birdseye University excelled in everything. Men went there because it was the best place to go; because there everything was carried to extremes, from tuition fees, which were very large, to the chances of passing good exami- nations, which were very small. But it excelled in nothing so much as ‘it did in the gentle and now almost unknown art of hazing. Hazing there was hazing with a capital H, and out of this admirable custom grew the harrow- ing experiences of Charles Augustus Smith—experiences already related in the public press, already commented upon all over the broad land, but expe- riences which ought to be related in detail to be appreciated. In fact, it may be said that the college career of young Mr. Smith was one of the influences to which the abolition of hazing was largely due, and for no rea- son but that it was largely advertised. 6A Hazing at Birdseye had begun to assume such serious proportions that timid parents adopted an_ evasive method. They kept their hopeful off- springs out of*Birdseye until fall was over, tutoring privately the while, and then entered them just after the con- elusion of the midwinter vacation. This was a very effective way of dodging the issue in almost every case, except in the case of Charles Augustus Smith. Young Mr. Smith never explained the reason why he had not entered the pre- vious fall, but the reason was apparent when one looked upon him. If fear and timidity ever bore human names, the name of each must have been Charles Augustus Smith. And when the freshman class re- sumed their studies in the month of January they found this young gentle- man already installed, with his room and his seat assigned to him. The freshies smiled significantly to themselves, and looked his name up in the register— and themselves registered a vow of thanks for his very expressive middle name. “ Augustus,” said Big Tomlinson, the leader of the class; “that’s good— mighty good! It saves us the trouble of inventing one. We’ll call him Gussie; it suits him to a T.” It did suit him, for if ever a man had the name “Gussie” written upon his face and form and features, that man was Smith. He was a chap of medium size, so far as height was concerned; he had a pink- and-white complexion, wore glasses, was afflicted with an embarrassed manner, flushed when spoken to, and had long, light hair, parted in the middle. He dressed in a foppish sort of way, and his coat was padded so as to give the impression that his shoulders were ,ex- traordinarily broad. Unfortunately for him, he kept to GOmiGaooks COL