The Argosy, August 1905 — page 97: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A SPECULATION IN SHIRTS. bie offers of five dollars a shirt were scorned. Not until the gentle art of sarcasm came into play did he show a trace of color. “You won't lend *em to us,” com- plained an exasperated committeeman, “and you won't take a reasonalle offer for “em. So what we'd like to know is what you reckon you’re goin’ to do with *em ? ” “It has oceurred to me,” said Sow- ders suavely, “ that I might wear ’em. It has happened to oeeur to my dense in- tellect that way.” “So you might,” scorned the com- mitteeman, “although I present this argument to these here: that it’s strange a man wants three hundred shirts when he ain’t changed the one he’s got on for what appears to be a spell of about two months.” sowders looked pained but not sur- prised. Ignoring the speaker, he glanced into the crowd that accompanied him, and in stately self-respect spoke these words: “It is one of my precepts that any man has got a right to say right out anything he may have on his mind in a general way, so long as he don’t break though any side walls into the claim of another man’s feeclin’s. Now, my shirt goes to the sluice every Tuesday after- noon whether I’ve one or fifty. It don’t take no assay to see that the gentlemen assembled here beneath my roof have a matter of wearin’ apparel they desire to air. “Tf this meetin’ has a spokesman who is familiar with the fundamental rules of etiquette to be observed when one respectable citizen is addressin’ an- other, it’s his turn to get into the bueket and give the signal to proeeed to the top.” Thus’ Sowders, proud, injured, inno- cent. The man who had spoken fell back, and the crowd gathered to itself. Tact, it was plain, was needed here. As was meet, the task fell to the justice of the peace. “The esteemed fellow-citizen who has just spoke,” said the justice in a tone of conciliation, “ voiced his senti- ments in a spirit of what we may call shirt-less exasperation, and his condi- es, ot mind is to be taken into apeoiene, “T need not remind the Hon. Mr. Sowders here that the situation which confronts many of the people of this camp is in many respects peculiar. We take a survey. We find that we are, each and generally, committed to a social duty it would be ungallant for any gen- tleman to shirk. “We find that there are ah—certain necessities of the sartorial art insepa- rable with carrying out this duty—acces- . sories, [ may say, that are indispensable in the presence of ladies. And it fur- ther appears that the principal acces- sory is, to wit, a white boiled shirt. So far as I am concerned, gentlemen es Here the justice turned to the histen- ing committee, while his bosom swelled. * So far as I am concerned, rather than appear at Mrs. Senator Judson’s function without the proper embellish- ment of a white boiled shirt, rather than insult that lady by appearing with- out it, rather than flount in her face a blue flannel turn-me-down or a calico made-easy, I would go forth mto the night of soeial oblivion. “We know what is demanded of us, gentlemen. We cannot plead ignorance of social custom. We either go in the manner somewhere described as aw fay, or we don’t go at all, and if we don’t go at all we deliberately cut the feelings of a lady.” There could be no dissent to this pre- sentation of facts and conditions. The committee solemnly declared its truth. “ Bein’ so,” continued the justice, “we confront the Hon. Mr.Sowders and the question of his shirts. We eannot deny three things, gentlemen. They are, that Mr. Sowders has the shirts, that it is desirable that we obtain them, and that it rests with Mr. Sowders to point the way to the—ah, gratification of our desires. : “And we must not act in haste nor with temper. It is not to be demied that Mr. Sowders is honorably possessed of these shirts, the same as if they were wheat or corn or any of the commo- dities of the market that are likely to be in demand. They are his, paid for with his cash, and for him to have and to hold until he sees fit to part with *em— which brings us to the point of our mis- <5 sion. =— comicbooks.com