Argosy All-Story Weekly, April 4, 1925 — page 150: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

940 office steps, meaning the town hall, the gro- cery, butchery, bakery, undertakery, etc., Joe tried his luck at a little deep thinking. Being one of the best side-show lecturers in America, also Coney Island—all of which he has a constant habit of admitting— thinking out schemes was a item he claimed to have a patent on. “Doc,” he says to me, ‘“‘ I never cared for farming, bricklaying, plumbing, or any other form of positive labor. Therefore, if we care to eat heavy and work light, le’s Start something before we get rustv. Er— how much jack have you got, if any?” “Four dollars and two cents,” I Says. “The two cents represents a postage stamp.” ‘“‘ Great!”’ he enthuses. “The stamp will come in handy.” “How much have you got? I want to know.” ‘“‘ Subtract three dollars and ninety-seven cents from your wealth and the balance is mine. I don’t think the income tax boys will bother me this season.” “Well, what’s the idea? Go on with the plot, never mind the lecture.” Before replying, he takes out his Mis- souri meerschaum—meaning a corncob pipe —fills it with corn silk, and takes a few ruminative puffs. “Over in Huckleberry County, at a slab called Duckout, a small motorized show is due to open next Monday. The name of this trick is no less than Pal Gaylor’s Great United and Mammoth World’s Best Com- bined Shows. That, you'll admit, Is a mouthful, hey?”’ “Three meals!” I admits. ‘The piffo who painted the signs must of got cramps in the arm and bean.” ‘Vou may keep quiet; also shut up. The bright idea is about to bust forth.” “Well, for the love of love, let it bust!” I snaps, getting impatient. ‘“ There's a freight blowing through this burg in about ten minutes and I was figuring that it wouldn’t be complete without me as a added attraction.” ‘You may keep quiet; also shut up,” he repeats. ‘‘ And now, gimme that pencil. I wouldst do a little corresponding.” Five minutes later, he submits the following ARGOSY-ALLSTORY WEEKLY. specimen of nerve for my dazed eyes to read: Part GayLor, Mer., Great United, etc., and the rest, Shows, Duckout, Huckleberry County, Kan.: Gentlemen—Get a large tent ready and give us feature position on Midway. If you don't, you lose. Have greatest show on earth, Bar- num and Bailey be blowed! Meantime, you may expect us to arrive via first gentlemen’s freight that ducks through Duckout. Thanks for listening. Yours truly, Pror. Dr. JosEPpH SWEENEY, M. D., and Hypnotist, Etc. ‘““What’s this supposed to be, a valen- tine?” I ask. “That, my dear doc, is what I call a large portion of applied piffle,” he replies. ‘‘ How-the-so-ever, in order to get away with the stunt that we are about to commit, it will be necessary for me to take a medical course of four years in about four minutes. In my trunk I gotta a book with a name so big that I get scared each time I slant it. It’s got all the high flooey-flooey medical langwidge in it, and I’ll just take a nose dive through it and come up with some real dope. It tells all about hypnotism—how it comes from the hip, etc., and I can get up a lecture that will knock the yokels flatter than a bootlegger’s alibi.” “When you find out what youre talking about, kindly tell me!” I begs. ‘Sit down, custard face, and I’ll let you in on the neat way we shall gather in a few hundred berries, none of which will be raspberries. Now, listen. The appetizing title of our get-rich-slick stunt may be called ‘ Buried Alive’ or words to that de- fect. All we need to promote the act is a tent, a wooden box, with a sort of periscope sticking up at one end for the customers to gaze through, and a few eye-catching signs. You can do the ballyhoo stuff out front, call on the local newspaper editor, and spill him a panful of assorted fairy tales, The price of admission to our nightmare will be the small sum of twenty-five cents, from Monday to Friday. On Saturday, blow-off day, and the time we give the na- tives a thrill by digging up and reviving the hypnotized goopo, we shall charge all the traffic will stand, and a few cents extra. Conn lDOOlK