Adventure Magazine Cover — page 167: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

When East Met West Victory, nor I can’t figure out Mrs. Pete Gonyer and Mrs. Mighty Jones depictin’ Progress. My ——, my wife don’t look like Victory.” “You ain’t never won a battle from her yet, have yuh?” I asks. “No, that’s a cinch. Well, mebbe it’ll be all right. You fellers ain’t got no easy chore yoreselves.” “We ain’t?”’ I asks. to do with it, Wick?” “You two depicts the East, Ike. Anyway, that’s what they’ve proclaimed for yuh.” = , I don’t look like no East!” snorts Dirty. OF don’t think Ido either,” says I. ‘Any- way, I ain’t seen nobody from the East. that looks a —— of a lot like me. How does she come that we’re inflicted with this idea, Wick?” “Don’t ask me. My ——, it ain’t none of my doin’s. I’ve got all the grief I can stand. You better ask Magpie or Jasmine. They fixed it all up between ’em.”’ “Do we wear costumes?” asks Dirty. “Search me. My wife does. Mosquito- bar! My ——,, can yuh see my wife in a mosquito-bar dress?” “T’d like to,” says Dirty. And then we left. Wick hadn’t ought to be so finicky. His wife is about five feet four inches tall and weighs two hundred and fifty. She also wheezes considerable in her talk. Mrs. Gonyer is six feet two inches tall, and so danged thin that she rattles when she walks. Mrs. Mighty Jones ain’t no taller than Mrs. Smith, and she don’t weigh a hundred. ‘What have we got ME AND Dirty don’t get much >» satisfaction around that town. Magpie goes to Paradise to ad- vertise the affair, and to probably do. a lot of braggin’ about himself. We runs into Scenery Sims, who has his eyes focused on the wine when it is red, and he ain’t ex- actly what you’d call coherent. “J—I ain’t much,” he tells us tearful-like. We agrees with him, which don’t help him none. “T can’t do nothin’,”’ he tells us. “—___. that ain’t news,” agrees Dirty. “Everybody knows that.” “In the pay-jint,” says he. be somethin’.”’ “All right,” says I. “You be a hump in the road for the wagons to run over.”’ “T want to 165 “That’s all tight f’r you two pelicans,” | says he. ‘You’ve got things to do. I’ve been shoved aside, that’s what I’ve been done to, by gosh. Mebbe Piperock is progressin’, but I’m right where I was a week ago. Have a drink?” We would. In fact we had several. We got to a point where Dirty gets to braggin’ about bein’ East. He orates that he’s also effete. Magpie comes back from Paradise, all swelled up over himself, and invades Buck’s place. “They'll come,” he tells the world. “Paradise will be here in copious gobs. From Curlew we’ll poll a big majority, and there’ll be a sprinklin’ from Yaller Horse. I prognosticate that Piperock will hold about all there is in Yaller Rock County. We has spread the gospel of progress, and the world responds.” “Has Paradise got her animals yet?” asks Buck. “Not yet. Mike Pelly tells me that they’re on the way. . It’s goin’ to be nip and tuck between us towns. Well, I’ve got to go and see how things is goin’. Is Pete and Yuma workin’ on that float?” “All day,” says Buck. “It'll bea dinger. # “Float?” says Dirty. “My ——, theyre ignorant, Ike. There ain’t water. enough in this town to float a cork. We’ve done give our word to see that this here pe-rade is a howlin’ success; but after it’s over, me and you starts a pilgrimage. I sicken of the flesh-pots, jack-pots, et cettery. Long may she wave. Let’s have another libation to old man Backus.” And that’s the way she went. Bill Thatcher and his orchestra showed up @ little later on—a bull-fiddle, a squeeze- organ and a jews-harp. Bill’s ‘boy, Ham, is the squeeze-organist, and old “EF renchy” Deschamps is doin’ the moanin’ on the harp. “Kinda wanted t’ know what kind of music Magpie wanted us to. play,” =<paa Bill. “We've got all kinds.” “You fellers graduated from ‘Sweet Marie’?” asked Dirty. “That’s good music,” says Bill kinda indignant-like. “If yuh don’t like that, we can play it any old way you want it.” ~ Some of Paradise comes that night, and among ’em is the gang from the Cross J, Chuck gets me aside and asks how were comin’ on the animal stealin’. I points out the difficulties, showin’ him how close Pipe- rock is guardin’ their zoo. Eomicbooks com