Adventure Magazine Cover, April 3, 1918 — page 89: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Upside Down or Backwards of our cabin for thirty days, and tries to figure out how long it will take ’em to get Magpie’s nine hundred away from him. He indicates in his departing words that his stay is indefinite and his destination problematical, but he comes back on the thirtieth day. He pilgrims up from Piperock, with the taste uh ashes in his mouth, uh yaller, hard hat on his head and kid gloves on his hands. I hands him uh welcome and uh cigaret, and he humps up in my chair. ‘“She’s uh hard drag, Ike,” he states. “The tribe I mentioned is either getting scarce or somebody has declared uh closed season on ’em. I invades Pittsburg and Chicago and other places too numerous to mention, but all I could find was folks who were kind enough to listen while they took uh drink on me. When the drink was gone they all lost their hearing, Ike.’’ “Did yuh expect to find capitalists in grog shops?”’ I asked, chiding like. ‘‘“Money- ed men don’t get drunk—they gets in- toxicated. Didn’t yuh do uh thing to be thankful for, Magpie?” He shakes his head, sad-like, and fumbles in his pocket. After searching through all his clothes he comes back to the first pocket he looks in, where it was all the time and he knowed it, and pulls out uh letter. “Tke, this is uh mystery,’ he proclaims. “FHfonest to grandma, I don’t know what it means, but this letter says it was paid for and is on its way here. I didn’t think I got so drunk that I bought anything except more drinks, but—well, take uh look at this.” He hands me the letter. At the top it proclaims to be from the Fur and Feathers Pet Shop, of Chicago. They orates that they handles each and everything what wears fur and feathers, and will supply same with cheer and great speed. The letter reads like this: DEAR SIR:— As per your request and purchase we are shipping you today one cassowary. ‘This is a male, and, in case you desires uh female, we can secure you one mside of thirty days. Thanking you for past and future favors, we begs to remain—and so forth. IT hands the letter back to Magpie, and rolls uh smoke. “The letter was waiting for me when I got here,”’ he explains. “You don’t need to apologize, Magpie. 87 How much did yuh pay for this male bird, beast or reptile?” “That’s what I don’t know, Ike. sorry.” “You always are, Magpie,” says I. “You can be sorry more times, hand running, than any man I ever seen. You were born to sorrow. Some folks are born to sorrow, but some are like me—they has sorrow forced upon ’em. What’ll we do with the danged thing?” “How do I know?” he snaps at me. “Cassowary! What in —— is uh casso- wary, Ike?’ “T ought to know!” I snaps right back at him. ‘You must uh been pretty blamed drunk, Magpie Simpkins.” He nods, solemn-like, and spits at uh lizard again: “Maybe. That Eastern hooch is awful stuff, Ike. I don’t remember no pet store. I must uh bought it the night I left Chicago for St. Louis. I wakes up in the morning and went to uh ticket office. “Give me uh ticket to St. Louis,” says I to the clerk. “He looks queer like at me, and calls in uh policeman, and Ike, I had uh of uh time convincing that officer that I wasn’t crazy. He explained to me that I’m already in St. Louis.” “Them policemen must be uh _ near- sighted bunch,” says I. ‘“You’d have uh nice time trying to prove that to an officer west uh Dakota.” “Don’t chide me, Ike,” says he. ‘I was uh stranger in uh strange land, and they took me in. Anyway I got uh green and red shirt, uh civilized hat and uh necktie pin to show for my trip.” “Don’t forget Cassie,” you talk mines uh-tall?”’ “Uh-huh. There was uh fat bartender in Chicago who sympathized with me uh heap. Said he wished I’d uh showed up sooner with my proposition, cause he’d sunk all his money in uh new diving appa- ratus. He sure was uh good old scout, Ike. Dog-gone, that feller could fix up uh drink uh hooch until she tastes almost temperance, but she sure was uh sheep in wolf’s clothes. I rode all the way from Chicago to St. Louis on three of ’em and didn’t know it.” ‘“The big question before the house is this, Magpie: is this here purchase uh yours uh singer, uh beast, uh burden or uh nuisance?” ‘Must be uh useful utensil, Ike, or I’d never I’m says I. “Didn’t (C@ CoOnnicloookxs