Adventure, August 1917 — page 160: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

1538 doc. ‘‘Mebby I could hit uh bear with it. That would be some satisfaction.” ‘And it wouldn’t bother th’ bear,” sez I. “If yuh feels like tryin’ out that two-tun- neled spray-weapon on uh bear, take this advice: Try one barrel on th’ bear and th’ other on yoreself. Mebby it’s jist uh li’ out uh place fer uh stranger to tell uh feller how to pass out uh this here vale uh tears, but uh scatter-gun don’t compare with uh grizzly when it comes to messy-lookin’ corpses. Them animiles shore do admire to take yuh apart.” I cooked supper that night. One thing in my favor was th’ fact that th’ perfessor’s wife is too hungry and tired to make any suggestions. I ain’t no dog-gone French cook, but I shore hates to have uh fe-male person tell me how to cook beans. We worries through supper without no casual- ties, and after we gits through, Mrs. Per- fessor goes to bed on my bunk, and th’ rest of us sets out in front of th’ cabin and smokes uh while. “My man,” sez th’ perfessor to Magpie, “it is my desire to investigate the grizzly theory tomorrow morning. I suppose you are prepared to guide me to the lair of a fairly good specimen?” “Shore,” sez Magpie. ‘‘Uh course I'll have to look over my field notes uh while before I can locate edzactly th’ specimen yuh needs. Uhcourse yuh wants uh grizzly with uh grizzly offspring.” “VYeaus,’ drawls th’ ol’ pelican. “Yeaus, certainly. . Quite naturally a grizzly would have a grizzly offspring.” “Natcherally,” agrees Magpie. “But yuh often finds ’em with black or brown cubs. Yuh see, Perfessor, uh she-grizzly is uh motherly ol’ thing, and when she finds uh female black or brown bear which don’t treat their li’l ones properly she jist natcher- ally adopts ’em.”’ “Quite commendable,” nods th’ per- fessor. ‘I must make a note of it. Such information is quite valuable. But don’t the other bears object to losing the custody of their offsprings?” “Quite useless,” drawls Magpie. ‘As I remarked before, uh grizzly won’t argue.” “T have a feeling that this trip is going to furnish some material for the scientists to ponder over,” laughs th’ doc, gittin’ up and throwin’ away his camel-hair cigaret. “I must see that my shotgun is in good working order.” Adventure “Did yuh ever shoot any fool-hens?” I asks. Th’ doc grins at me in uh wise sort of uh way and replies: “Mister Harper, I may be a poor shot, but I’m not that much of a tenderfoot, so don’t try that old joke on me, please.” Most of ’em won’t bite on th’ fool-hen stunt, fer th’ simple reason that there ain’t no joke about fool-hens. Now, if yuh spoke about snow-snakes they’d stay all Winter to git uh specimen. It wa’n’t edzactly what you’d call chiv- alry that prompts us to give up our cabin to our employers that night. When uh two hundred and fifty pound fe-male occupies yore three by six bunk, and fills th’ air with snores which resembles th’ grunts of uh hungry bear trying to coax uh fat grub out of uh rotten stump, it’s jist human nature to grab uh blanket and move out in th’ brush. Th’ doc crawls into his sleepin’-bag alongside th’ cabin, but me and Magpie holes up down near th’ crick. i} THAT night I wonders out-loud, in Fen Magpie’s hearin’, what are we goin’ todo? Also I mentions in my ora- tion that any man what ain’t got no more sense than to tie up with uh rattle-headed pardner, not mentionin’ any names, but givin’ uh fair description, ought to die early in life in self-defense. “Field book!” I howls at th’ Big Dipper. “‘He’s got ub field book what shows th’ dwellin’-place of suitable female grizzlies. Them records will show jist which said grizzly has bears by adoption and which has ’em by maternal instinct. I’m a expert on sidewinders and gophers, eh? Shore. All my life I’ve laid on my belly and ob- served th’ home life uh said whistlin’ dig- gers and crippled crawlers. I’ve allus crawled in th’ best society uh Prairie Dog town. Accordin’ to th’ latest reports I’m livin’ in uh dug-out and cultivatin’ fangs. Pretty soon I’m due to coil up and bite somebody.” Magpie don’t say uh word all th’ time I’m reflectin’ out loud, but after I rolls up in my blanket and drowses off to sleep he grabs me by th’ shoulder and hisses in my ear— “Ike, I’ve got it!” **Keep it,” sez I. “I don’t care if we are pardners, Magpie, I don’t wish to share it with yuh. I know you’ve had it fer uh long time, ol’ trapper, but I never mentioned it to CoOmiclsoo © 5}