The Grinder Papers — page 132: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE GRINDER PAPERS. ae ‘* Hullo, sir, who be you?” Sez he, ‘‘ You'd better be civil.” Sez the colonel, ‘‘lam.” ‘‘Oh !” sez he, ‘‘in that case I don’t mind tellin’ you I’m Mr. Higgs, come down to auction off the desirable furniture o’ ’ this here family mansion. ‘The things*is all good, and we’re sellin’ ’em forthe benefit o’ a deserted wife that’s been abandoned by her spouse, and is goin’ home to her parents.” | ‘‘Hey?” sez the colonel, ‘‘youair, air you?” And he squares off and hits the auctioneer in his waistcoat, and he hollers, and out comes Miss Colonel Katermount’s bro- ther and flies at the colonel, and out comes Miss Colonel Kater- mount herself and fliesat me, and had me in ribbons in a min- nit; and Ihollered and she screeched, and we kept at it until we both swooned. The poor landlady told me arterward how’t she never had such a time before as she had then explainin’ matters, and arter every- ‘body else believed her, Miss Colonel Katermount wouldn't. All she’d say, pintin’ at me in a state o’ bunnit that you'd a thought ‘ud a moved the heart o any o’ the female sect, was: ‘‘T’ll tear her eyes out!” And the only wonder is she didn’t. Me and she never spoke arterward. And fust place Colonel Katermount sued the paper fora libel, and then the auctioneer he sued him for ’sait and battery. And I often sit and reflect how onsartain life is, and how much was brought about by me gettin’ into the wrong waggin. Eomichoo cS m