Judge — January 1939 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

limerick smart set By BERTON BRALEY The New Economy. The opulent Mrs. Van Gunn No longer buys pearls one by one The deolers cut rates When she buys ‘em by erates ‘And she saves even more by the ton! Sheer Genius. The social success of the Sears Hos scorcely been equalled for yeors, They've @ gifted son, who Can both cactle and moo, ‘And o daughter who wiggles her ears. Out on a Limbo, When you're dropped from the Register, your Society rank may endure; But there isn't @ doubt That you're hopelessly “out When you're dropped from the rotogravure. In the Stratosphere, He tolks just to hi —And by Formal Appointment, ot thot! Success Story. Swell porty at Mrs, De Courcey’ The state police doubled their for They ore still finding guests In the wardrobes and chests ‘And to date the ‘ore seven divorces, Tne Halton The doughter of Ivan Le Boom The hunter, was wed in the room Where his trophies are placed, And a shot-gun—gold-chose: Wos the bride's father’s gift to the groom. No Help Wanted. That job of Miss Giltedge hos shown How girl’ independence hos grown, Her dod gives her two Hundred waekly, it’s true ‘on her ownl You'll exclusively find In only the swankiest ods, lin't We Got Fun How hoppy those climbers, the Chases, Who've risen by orduous poces Till now they ore found Shuttling dully oround Being bored ot the Right Kind of places. THE JUDGE FOR JANUARY “What can you give me on a dark cloud with a silver lining?" hi ITTZOFF, my European OVE friend, said, “1 don't under- stand your American politics.” “Neither do 1. But U'll explain it to you. You see, our politics is really just a m1 mss “Like your base- ball “Now you're tching on! Here, ct the spirit of the thing: imagine a European crowd at a baseball game. Someone yells, *Kill the umpire!” What happens: / me “I's a cinch now. I've got two of their men in here!” explained “Aha!” said Mittoft happily, “they liquidate No, no, nol Baseball is a game. It’s fun, sce? And you might say that politics is sort of baseball with reverse English. Like baseball, it is played by 1Ns and the outs.” “In my country," said Miuvofl, “wedon'thave outs.” I said facctiously, “they're kicked around until they get lot? ‘Teh, tch!... Now, here, rub your funnybone: in baseball, the teams make the scores. In poli- tic, the tcams make the motions but the reoters score by voting. la continue the simile, the chap who is trying to put something over is the Pitcher; the daily papers tell you who he is. Here's a whenever the pitcher winds up, the opposition tcam runs out on the field and docs a snake-dance—with You sce, cach pol rying to get the cheers of its rooters.” “But who tells them to cheer?” “They just feel that way. It’s a game-like baseball. And, as part of the shenanigans, cach side tries to confuse the other. For instance, when the 1xs arc or know the + It’s just a game “Perfectly,” said Mittzofl. “Now ind your basel pout your pol 1 understa tell me “Wh: Navs. ‘To say nothi The + loves most, his modder. But we hove one down on our form who's crory ‘bout his fodder. Oh, no, no, no, the scientist in accent stern will mudder, He cannot be more fond of one thon he is of the udder. at bat the our rooters go in for hog-alling; when the outs are up, the 1Ns make insulting noises. We jokingly say that this has madcourfive-fing world-famous.” “You, too, have a salute!” one uses i That is wrong. Both sides should not use the same salute, Don't you have ined: “Oh, yes. We have two rules that the po litical teams use to get their rooters to vote for them. The first is, Pro thing, no matter how S-three garages pensions—five mort: Miuzofl broke in have that same r ise something, you take it away from? “We don't, “I's just ay “Now, here's our second droll rule: get the voters angry at the opposition and then they'll score their votes for your team... .” “That's right,” Mitvoff, “the pig-heads on the opposition - «But your rules don't work. Sce how few of your people vote! In try. everyone vores, Or cle. You should try our system “We don't need to.” flight of whimsey. “Under Rule 2. we could just ‘phone the voter and ys ‘Listen, you so-and-so, if you go out to vote today I'll knock your blankety head off!’ Make them mad cnough and they'll vote ‘on why... See? g of a few clean pens. oh, bodder! ntist will tell you thot o calf eredsalute cried Mittzoff. I laughed, “ev- tions?” fried chicken— “We Ie my But, when you who do 1 chuckled. mel” looked — dum- pproved always cour Het goa is that clear?” MH. But ics. BOB CORLISS Is.” he pens, “a dein. Cleveland GTR. comicbooks.com