Judge — May 1938 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Vista, California, wants an unincum- bered, reliable, capable, healthy, cheer- ful white woman, not over 45, able to take it on the chin, who needs and wants work and is not afraid of it, with some knowledge of nursing, as combined nurse for invalid lady, (this comes first), managing housekeeper for small, very modern bungalow, and good cook for the three of us. Will be treated as one of the family, paid fairly, according to ability, acquire attractive home and good board; nice, separate private quar- ters among trees. Must sleep in in- valid’s room sometimes and lose some sleep. Prefer one who doesn't snore. Place made as easy as possible. Practic- ally full time, but other help employed in emergency. We are broad—not cranky. But ladies who are too old, sick, incompetent, lazy, too slow, heavy sleep- ers and snorers, drunkards, dopes, dirty, dishonest, painted dolls, good.time gals, religious or other cranks, poor cooks and cigaret smokers need not apply for this good, permanent job for one O. K. We have had ‘em all, and think we know “What's the Matter With America’.” In other words, not cranky—just par- ticular. The New York Herald-Tribune’s po- litical philosophy resembles that of Alf Mossman Landon, not to put too fine a point on it. We are happy to report that the Lon- don correspondent of the old Tribune, the Herald-Tribune’s parent, was Karl Marx, the notorious cannibal. Aided by some WPA workers, one Joseph Sickler has compiled a history of Salem County, N.J. The Salem Sunbeam has been printing it, and we mention it because there are certain phases of the story that our readers ought to read. For instance, here is the description of a tunaway slave, published in: Salem County in 1704: “Leering down Look, proud hambling Gate, walks Crimplin, he is so prodigi- ous a Lyar that it ~nserved he may easily be discovered by it, with a long Nose and a wild Look, goes crooked and &rtoans very much in his sleep, speaks by Clusters, talks West Country.” Here is a news item, dated 1729: “We hear from Salem that a few weeks ago the House of Mr. Samuel Smith near that Place, was burnt down, occasioned by the Maid’s leaving the candle carelessly when she went to bed. May, 19358 Mr. Smith saved his Money and Writ- ings, and some Beds, but the rest of the Furniture was destroyed, and the Maid burnt to death.” And here is the last word on the his- tory of Salem County, so far as we are concerned: “About two weeks ago, one John Leek, of Cohansie in West-New-Jersey, after twelve Month's Deliberation, made himself an Eunuch (as it is said) for the Kingdom of Heaven's Sake, having made such a construction upon Mat. XIX: 12. He is now under Dr. John- son's hands, and in a fair way of doing well.” Some friends of ours recently made the false move of touring Yugoslavia by car. They resolved to live like the na. tives, and accordingly they stopped one day at a small inn in a small village. The host saw that his chance at the big dough had come, so he turned his house upside down for his guests. He seated the party at a long table, and in less than three-quarters of an hour, he served up individual bowls of gruel, with spoons. He even shooed one of the larger sows out into the road. Our friends battled the gruel man. fully, but one lady was visited with an additional plague in the form of a little pig. The other pigs snoozed peacefully under the table, but this one rubbed against the lady's legs and from time to time put his feet in her lap. “Scat! she said, ineffectually brand- ishing her spoon. The host noticed this display, and he chuckled tenderly. “Aw lady,” he ex- plained through the interpreter, “don’t mind the little fellow. He recognizes his bowl.” We have gathered some facts tending to substantiate the old theory that people have more fun than anybody. Mark them well: According to the rules of the Dayton Coal & Iron Railroad, passenger con- ductors on duty must wear shoes. Socks are optional. Mr. and Mrs. Louis Duck, of Indiana, who never attend the movies, have named their son, “Donald.” Mrs. Opal Herring pawned her wed- ding ring for $3.50, bought a revolver, and shot her husband. Richard Kaley sued for divorce on the ground that his wife took an overdose of sleeping tablets to “embarrass” him. The Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks has elected a cat to membership. “WE MUST HURRY ALONG NOW—I’M AFRAID JACK IS ALL TUCKERED OUT!” comicbooks.com