Judge — March 1938 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Our irony editor submits the follow- ing instructive items: A. Henry Ford's Peace Ship is being scrapped and melted to make ma. chine guns. B. Whales travel in pairs. If you kill the female first the male stands by, and you can pot him too. But if you kill the male first, the female scrams. Billy Rose, the Bonaparte of Broadway, has opened a new night club called the Casa Manana. Heaven knows this department, ill-fed, _ ill- clothed, and ill-housed as it is, never sees the inside of a night club. But a happier soul has sent us one of Mr. Rose's announcements, and on the strength of that we want to lavish praise on Mr. Rose. We want to set him up as a model and a threat to night-club pro- prietors all over the U.S. “I,” he says, “don’t think a front table is worth a $5.00 tip.” “I don’t want to buy any cigarettes until I need them.” “I resent having gardenias shoved down my throat.” Mr. Rose says none of the atrocities he lists are going to be perpetrated in his jernt, and if this is true it is wonder- ful. It is a precedent, and a good one. However, this department is a burned child. Granting that the gardenias and cigarettes are out, Mr. Rose,‘ what, in practice, does it cost to attend the Casa Manana? And we notice you didn’t men- tion the hat-check girl, you ras- cal. It may interest you to know that we are sponsoring a bill in the Senate of the United States, requiring that all hat. check girls be boiled in oil. see A Mr. R. H. Halpin writes to urge that we start a move. ment to put radio programs on the appropriate stations. As a start he suggests: 6 WEAN, Prov- idence, R.I.: Johnson & John. son Baby Food. WIRE, Indi- anapolis, Ind.: Postal Telegraph York, NY.: Dale Carnegie. KORE, Eu- gene, Ore: N.W. Apple Growers’ Assn. WHAT, Phil- adelphia, Pa: Prof. Quiz. WHO, Des Moines, Ia.: The Witch's Tale. KAND, Cor. sicana, Tex.: Pabst Blue Ribbon, KOAM, Pittsburgh, Pa.; The Thomas System. KOB, Albuquerque, N.M.: National Corn Husking Championship. WREC, Memphis, Tenn.: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, John Lewis, or Al- fred P. Sloan, Jr. (check one). wee When the closed season on Republi. cans began, our political editor took to drink. For his own sake we assigned him to study the Manhattan telephone directory, This is what he found: Astors, Daisies, Roses, Lillies, Pinks, Salvia, and a number of Seeds. He located some Pearls, Rubies, and Garnetts, one Opal, and a Rubye Dia- mond. He also found Gold and Silver. He found several Winners but no Losers. He found Birds, Bees, and a man named Chas. Ant. Editha Nurse, he reports, is a registered nurse; and Sam Butcher is a butcher. He found A. Piano, William Cornet, Mabel Harp, a Batton, several Saxes, and six Drums. For the benefit of our professional readers, our man located a Brest and a Lung. He found Foots, but no Feet, Leggs, but no Legs; he found Livers and Heads, both male and female. He even found a Hart, Dyeing on 34th St, and some Skelltons. He found Fred Wine and Jack Cham. pagne, and had to be forcibly restrained from going out to introduce them to each other. He located Lions, Tigers, Eagles, Buf. falos, and even a Bison. He found Minks, Badgers, and Sables, and a Bat; also Hares, Moles, and Turtles—but no Keepers or Attendants. He found Plums, Dates, Grapes, Honeydews, Pears and even Bartletts. When he had gotten this far, he sud. denly phoned to report he had tracked down a Snowhite, but not even one Dwarf, let alone seven. Finally, between the beginning and middle of the thousand.page book, he found four Endes. Also one Holi Gee. We are informed that he has taken to drink again. see We are assembling a monograph, to be called “One Million Reasons For Not Living In California.” Here is an advance proof: In Contra Costa County, Calif., Sheriff John Miller gathered the local horse. back riders, released a prisoner from the county jail, and staged a “fox hunt.” Mrs. Juanita Shaw lassoed the “fox,” who was given his freedom and $10. comicbooks.com ane koe eee