Judge — January 1938 — page 85: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

GEORGE’S NAVAL PROGRAM Wuen I went to see George I found him at a table littered with papers on which he was jotting figures he read from a slide rule. On his one side was a pair of bathroom scales; on the other a water cooler. As I came in George looked at his watch and jumped up. He filled a glass at the water cooler, drank it, weighed himself on the scales and sat down to make a note of his weight. “Pardon me,” he said. “I have just been trying to find out how long it will take me to weigh as much as a battle. “A battleship. You know, one of those things that sails about all abristle with guns.” Yes, yes," I said, “I know what a battleship is. But how can you weigh as much as a battleship?” George looked at his figures and shook his head. “I can’t,” he said, “but this is how it works. For the last twenty-four minutes I have taken—internally, mind you—a glass of water every two minutes. 1 have gained six pounds. That means I can gain fifteen pounds an hour. Work- ing a forty-hour week, I can gain 600 pounds, or about 1514 tons a year. Now taking the battleship Hood, pride of the British fleet, a ship of 42,000 tons_——"" Here George jumped up and gulped another glass of water. “Taking the Hood—well, my friend, it would take me 2,700 years to weigh as much as the Hood. Even a small battle- ship, like the U.S.S. Arkansas, is out of the question. George drank another glass of water and weighed himself again. “Seven pounds,” he sighed. “No, it can't be done. On the whole, I should prefer, since I can’t be a battleship, to be a yacht. Now the Yugoslavian Navy has a yacht, the Vila, and only 230 tons. That comes to just over 16 years. But who knows where I or the Vila will be in 16 years? Perhaps it would be best to be a small private yacht. It wouldn't take long and I could incorporate myself and fool the income tax collectors.” ut,” I objected, “if you incorporate yourself as a yacht you will be a corpora- tion, liable for the excess profits tax.” “Oh no,” said George. “There won't be any profits from this corporation.” “Why not?” “Because,” he said as he reached for the drinking glass, “the stock is watered.” —Rosert J. BULKLEY, JR. The Judge’s Crossword Puzzle No. 397 + Right the villainous wrong. ! Out of the rain. ; Large birds flying through cross-word puzzles. : Fido's family tree. Delicately scented food for super-schnozzles. . They're seabirds. A goodly number of cheese makers, . Cute little acrobatics by Mr. Submitted by Jack Luzzatto, New York City Horizontal . Where to raise a family. ; » What Auntie may be called, with or without rancor. . A little raw when it comes to, meat. |. This looks funny when it’s cockeyed. Nuts, to, you. ‘The shade of an Ethiopian warrior. 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