Judge — December 5, 1931 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Exterior Decoration Srvce my first duty is to my read- ers (Banzai, Sahib!) Tam goi to do something that may result in the loss of the razor mower, razor schnit- ter, shaving brush and shaving cream advertising to these risible pages. I am going to come out in favor of a platform advocating a universal re- turn on the part of all masculine men, for the period of the depression at least, to that old form of exterior decoration known variously as. the muff, the garden of the jowls, spinach, ap, fringe, jaw moss, burr, chin sprouts or plainly, front lawn, plush, beaver, My main reason, of course, is ob- vious. It costs money to shave and money is pretty nearly everything these hardened times. Moreover, you 5 to strike a razor blade in a pack that wasn’t used as a bayonet in the Span ish-American War. Furthermore, I think we ought to call an armistice on the war we carry never know when you on with our chins. Year after year we vo after them viciously with keen cutting machetes and hack away at them with all the painful blundering intensity of amateur Mayo Brothers. [ will not amongst othe form, the savin your bird house costs, mention, of course, reasons for my plat beard will make in By growing \ WITH CAROL Ny SWING IN WY, IS] “WAT ENERY DIN Cae INDOW IN Zi f HOUSE WOULD BE OPER The TrouBle UR yy. Y JUDGE the right kind of bush you will be able to nest your pigeons, canaries, wood- peckers and owls for practically noth- ing. Nor will I mention the fact you n save money by not having to wear ties. The important thing in choosing a beard style is comfort and suitability. Men with wiry hair must not grow full muffs. These become a menace to civilized society and are liable to cause all sorts of dam. ‘or should a young bond salesman with a weak chin choose a sct of Dundrearies (or pork chops). The point is, that before selecting a beard the wearer should zed “ have himself palm-read, astro! or psychoanalyzed. There are many different styles of front lawns, Exhaustive arel cal excavations into the Golden. of Whiskers, the "90s, reveal following fashions to which I have mpted to append the sort) of character and personality they are suited The Desperado: mustachios and dashing whiskers: for Long, curling yetalian sneakeasy owners. The Full) Bush: with weak chins. The Fuller Brush: A bristling gressive decoration for — sale which the householder can distin: a mile off and go into hiding fre The Dr. West Toothbrush: For cads. For small men VL BE Gap WHEN YOURE RASCAL You! The Dundreary or Pork Chop: For men who can't grow anything on their want to wear out an old square derby they have around the house, and like to af fect white socks with black shoes. This beard gives the razor blade M'f'rs a break. It can also be used as car muffs in cold weather.) The Van Dyke Broadway type. The Van Dyke (unwaxed) quietly sedate, or- Judge The I Cash Clothes: U. Football players. The First Down: men; crities chins, have a little money (waxed): For the Bounder, or Machamer : For the Junior type. For N.Y. For Yale fresh- terior decorators; sophomoric d young newspaper men, re House of David (knee length) : r bald-headed men. It can be used toupee. ne House of David Special (ankle length): For exhibitionists; and men who don’t care. It can also be used as a dog leash. The Happy Fringe: For men of action who don’t want their hair to get in their eves, I am sorry that space docs not al- low me to go into the hundreds of other cuts of whisker, but any mem- her of the Union League Club will be glad to go into the matter further with you. In conclusion, I would like to cau tion you that once you have chosen your beard, be careful to tend it prop erly or it may grow out of hand, You may plow, seed and lay out your face for a beard and then neglect it, to find it full of weeds and Rus: un- (Continued on page 26) comicbooks.com