Judge — December 1938 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Luggested to the WPA a new device for making air travel safe. Mr. Davidson wants the WPA to trim 500 to 1,000 feet off all the “highest mountains in the West where airplane crashes have occurred in the past two yeai He would use the roc rom the mountains to build transcontinental toll highways, thus paying for the whole project. This is indeed an astute suggestion. We wish to sce it carried further, under a new Federal agency to be known as the National Admini- stration for Neutralizing Nature. The NANN could spray the dust-bow! with asphalt, thus eliminating dust storms and pro- hiding a large, paved surface for Sunday drivers. By devising a new type of auto, to be driven backwards, the NANW could eliminate the head-on crashes which take such toll on our highways. Many big fires start in cellars, and by re- moving the first stories from all buildings, the NANN could prevent such fires from spread- jing. Also this measure would confound Ameri- an second-story workers. Finally, by scooping four feet of water off the surface of the Mississippi the NANN could end its toll-taking floods; and the water could be placed in Long Island Sound to keep sailboats tom running aground. Not only would the NANN bring this nation back to normalcy; it would also prove a boon to Republicans: it would infuriate them to the point of apoplexy, thus ending their pitiful sufferings. THEY JUST tookawayour fish story edi- tor. While they were tying the straitjacket we crept close and he whispered these facts in our ear: Swimming in Lake Michigan, Adam Pronibis bumped into a 15-pound carp. He seized it, Isrestled with it, and finally brought it ashore. While boating in Lake Manitou, Ind., Virgil Smith saw a large bass. He smacked at it with an oar; the fish catapulted into the boat, and Virgil Smith subdued it and later ate it. In The Dalles, Ore., they found the barber killing fish in shallow water by throwing rocks THE JUDGE FOR DECEMBER Oyez Over I cannot say how the truth may be; , Utell the tale as ‘twas told to me. at them. They fined the haircutter five seeds. In West Branch, Iowa, Mrs. E. W. Erickson tried worms, crawdads, and cheese and caught nothing. As she was leaving she baited her hook with chewing gum and cast once. She caught a two-pound bass. In Idaho Falls, Idaho, Boyd Clayton hooked a 12-pound salmon which fought so fiercely that Policeman Paul Crowder, who happened to be in the boat, had to shoot it with his revolver to save Clayton from beingdragged, into the drink. vw OUR BALKAN CORRESPOND- ent, Miss Margaret Juers, recently tried to make a purchase at a Moham- medan shop in Montene- gro. Now her prétty lite head is reeling. She stood in the dim shop until she made out the proprietor, sitting cross- legged in the shadows. “1 want to buy a pipe,” she said. “A hookah-pipe?” the merchant inquired politely. “Yes, yes, that's what I want,” said our cor- respondent. The shop-keeper brightened. “A hookah- pipe with amber mouthpieces and two tubes?” he asked. “Yes!” cried Miss Juers happily. “How did you know?" “In a silver holder?” the merchant went on, stroking his moustaches with pleasure. “Yes, yes, that would be grand. Will you please show me such a pipe?” Miss Juers said. At this the storekeeper started, and a deep melancholy replaced the smile on his face. “I'm sorry,” he said in a dull tone, “but I'm all out of those pipes.” With a sigh he fell back on his cushions. “Peace be with you,” he intoned, sorrowfully combing a roach from his beard. vw Some students contend that the dyspeptic mole of Carthage was the most highly devel- oped mammal. It never did anything at all; the fossil records indicate that it didn’t even think. vw YOU WILL BE GLAD TO LEARN THAT OUR BOOK, “One Million Reasons for Not Living in Cal fornia,” is growing more voluminous. Soon it will be ready for the press. Chapter 13, entitled “How to Dodge Sky- scrapers,” will contain this interesting case his- Sir Walter Scott certain family inhabited a ranch in the Imperial Valley, and one day an carthquake visited them, Really it was a series of quake tremors of varying intensity came every few hours. The family welcomed the quake itself, like true native sons. But every now and then a vase toppled off the mantel, or a rare old aba- lone shell splintered on the floor. The family, being addicted to knickknacks, con- sidered this unfair. Finally they gathered all their bric- a-brac, stowed it in a tub and put the tub in the center of the living room where they could keep an eye on it. Then the chandelier fell in the tub. vw IN TIENTSIN NOT LONG AGO, H. MASAKI left his post in the Japanese Foreign Office. He felt strange stirrings in his breast. He swallowed several slugs of distilled bamboo, and sucked up a quart of Fujiyama XXX. Then he threw away his spec- tacles and equipped himself with a large pistol. He walked to the waterfront, stole a skiff, and paddled out to a Chinese gunboat. “In the name of the Japanese Empire,” he shrilled, “I dlemand that you slurrende He brandished his gat and showed his teeth. The crew, awed, allowed H. Masaki to run up his country's flag. They figured they'd be taken anyway, and what would it matter in a thousand years. vw “THE CHARACTERS DEPICTED IN THIS PHOTO- play are fict " announced the management of the Astor Theatre, New York, in a valiant effort to protect itself from the after-effects of Marie Antoinette. “Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.” ‘This, having seen the picture, we believe. THE LARVAL PE- ruvian newt presents some phenomenal as- pects. This little amphibian, nor- mally about a centimetre in length, feels a strong desire to eat frogs and spends its days pursuing them. On rare occasions it overtakes a frog, but it cannot consume its prey owing to 7 comicbooks.com