Judge — August 1938 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

I cannot tell how the truth may be; I say the tale as ‘twas said to me. —Sir WALTER Scorrt. FAMOUS attorney recently sub- mitted to the lie detector, but he was filled with confusion when the rec- ord showed that he was lying even when he wasn’t saying anything. MAN in Kansas City, Mo., tells us that he went into a department store there and heard a woman at the book counter buying a present. “It mustn't be sexy,” she told the clerk, “and it mustn't be unpleasant. But it must have a red cover.” HE snatch racket has assumed a dis- maying form in Key West, Fla. A housewife missed two of her chickens and found a note in the coop. “Leave 20c under the big flat stone be- hind the barn,” it said, “or you'll never sce your chickens alive again.” see ECENTLY a Kansas news- paper ran a full- page advertisement asking for rain, An inch of rain came, and eight inches of snow. This success will have an untoward effect on advertis- ing men. They will become smug. They will claim that heaven itself responds to their copy. Other horrid things will happen. The General Motors Corp. will state that the Angel Gabriel drives a Chevrolet; advertisements in the college papers will show Beelzebub inhaling a popular cigarette. Cherubim will be shown crying for Castoria. A heavenly host will be depicted urging readers to stay on the alkaline side. We warn the Liberty League that we will look askance at advertisements coaxing the Almighty to bounce a thunderbolt off Franklin Roosevelt's punkin head. N Des Moines, Ia., a raiding squad put the collar on a nickel slot-ma- chine. They hauled it off in the black maria, like a common criminal. On the way to the cooler the device disgorged two nickels. “Jeez,” said the assembled officers. But Sergeant Dunagan, quick as a flash, picked up the nickels and inserted them in the slot. On the second try he hit the jackpot. Sergeant Dunagan won $2.40 but the magistrate ordered it held in evidence. HE web-footed andromorph of the Gobi is one of the strangest animals. It spends all its time arranging quartz crystals in parallel lines. The andromorph possesses only one cervical vertebra, and its pancreas pre- sents several unusual features. It goes mad when its quartz crystals are disar- ranged. However the most puzzling thing about the an- dromorph is _ its webbed feet, which are of no use in the desert; therefore many scientists be- lieve that the Gobi Desert was once a vast inland sea. EVERAL years ago in Okla- homa an obscure schoolteacher had a bright idea. Congressmen make $10,- 000 a year, so this schoolteacher regis- tered and got his name on the ballot as a candidate for the House of Repre sentatives of the United States. The schoolteacher's name was Will Rogers. The voters did the rest. Congressman Rogers started some. thing, as the facts assembled by our man in Oklahoma show. © Four years ago one Andy Payne caught on. He had made a name for himself by winning C. C. Pyle’s Bunion Derby, so he got himself elected Clerk of the Supreme Court of Oklahoma. This year two other Paynes, a barber named Daniel Boone and a youth of 26 named Huey Long, are after Andy's job. It pays $4,000 a year. Sam Houston, who two years ago tried unsuccessfully to get Will Rogers’ seat in Congress, is now running for President of the State Board of Agri- culture. Patrick Henry is a candidate for State Auditor; Joe E. Brown is running for Secretary of State; Mae West, onetime forewoman of a WPA sewing-room, wishes to be elected Commissioner of Charities. Oliver Cromwell, an old man of 76, is a candidate for the United States Sen- ate; and a second Oliver Cromwell pro- poses to become Commissioner of In- surance. John W. Davis is a candidate for Governor and Bob Burns is a candidate for Lieutenant-Governor. Six Rogerses, three of them named Will, are running for office in Okla- homa now. Seats in Congress, at ten gees per, are most popular: the original Will Rogers has gone to court in an effort to keep Will Rogers No. 2 off the ballot; also his place is threatened by Theodore Roosevelt Wilcox, Al Smith, and Brigham Young. Not long ago in Oklahoma, Noah Webster, Ben Bernie, and John Mc- Cormick, all on relief, were given $3 grocery orders. Moaned Noah Webster: “If the government had any sense they'd give us the cash. Then we could regis- ter. We could get elected to good jobs and be self-supporting.” see ILLIAM F. HANIGAN of Bos- ton, Mass., drowsed at the wheel of his car, The car climbed onto the sidewalk and cut down a fire alarm box, a police signal box, a U. S. mailbox, and an elec- tric light pole; then it ploughed through a stone wall and stopped just short of a fire plug. “Holy smoke!” said William Hanigan as he was waked from his nap by a squad of firemen, two trouble shooters 5 comicbooks.com