Judge — July 1938 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PSYSIOGNOMY IN SEVEN EASY LESSONS By Frank Dunn (Note: Any resemblance of these faces to any person or persons, living or on the WPA, is miraculous.) F YOU have a head, or a face, or both—which you can determine by one of two simple methods (see footnote A)—you are probably a human being, and should there- fore be deeply concerned with physiognomy, or map study. Let us take up this fascinating subject by types. LESSON | CAPUT BALDISSIMUS. Among the higher primates of the male sex this type of head occurs frequently. Since Na- ture, the great Protector, furnishes her protective covering only where there is something to protect, Nature's inference is obvious (see Footnote B). This type is notable for its contribution to the social life of contemporary tonsorial art by providing the conversational opening—"Getting a little thin on top, sir.” Besides an. thropologists and billiard balls, this bracket has three very definite subdivisions. Castroilinum Baldissimus (Fig. 1) oS! is noted for the extremely receding na- ture of its caporetto and its guadalajara. | The glistening nude mosque-like struc lo Aho. ture of the cranium is usually accom- © panied by a stentorian voice. While this \ ES ) type is given to raising the arm vigor- ~ / ously or setting both arms akimbo on \ the hips, when confronted with some- one its own size it leaves hurriedly. FIG. 1 Baldissimus Patronageous (Fig. II) or twin-peaked variety, has a definite dromedary construction. An } uncanny ability to remember every- p} / body by name is almost as sure an indication of this quaint species as its } uncontrollable desire to issue special stamps. Long practice at campaign — baby-kissing makes Patronageous an FIG. II authority on the old game of “Post Office.” Footnote A. Method 1. Drink 4 Martinis, 6 highballs, 4 gin fizzes, 8 champagne cocktails, 3 brandies. You will know next morning if you have a head. Method 2—Look in a mirror. Footnote B. See Die Wissenschaftliche Ursache der Haarlosigheit, Herr Dr. Prof. Scheinkopf, Leipzig, 1703, reprinted in Ballyhoo, 1936. 18 Baldissimus Gotrocksie (Fig. III), the third manifes. tation of this exciting cervicu- lar conformation, can easily be spotted from the bowed posi- ) tion of the head, the result of inquiry-ducking. This type is very fond of gardening and FIG II \ farming, and loves to handle stock. It usually piles up huge amounts of money, which it lends to anybody except those who need it. LESSON 2 At the opposite extreme from the Caput Baldissumus type we busy scientists find the genus ALFALFA PROLIFUS. Noted for the hirsute luxuriance which flourishes on this species, it numbers two distant types. Theoreticus Alfalfa Prolifus (Fig. " TV) has always.presented a neat prob- ( i lem to us searchers for the truth by the fact that its hair defies the law of phe, gravity, just as do its theories. While [ XD J there can be no doubt, relativitly }> Cf 4\ speaking, that there is method in its di mathematical madness, it leaves most » of us just going ‘round and ‘round in : 4 aN “i space and time. ‘fi FIG. IV oy Shavelus Shavianus Alfalfa Pro- ‘i lifus, sometimes known as EGO. TWADDLUS (Fig. V) can be rec- ognized by its resemblance to a shav- ing brush impaled on an arrow. It loves itself above all else, speaks well of nobody, and spends its time not answering the telephone and writ- ing drivel which appears under such titles as “Pshaw and Superpshaw.” FIG. V This type only appears periodically, like the Seven-Year Itch. LESSON 3 The third group, known as PINCHIPUS is distinguished chiefly by a wizened look. It emigrates freely and it's rarely The Judge comicbooks.com