Judge — May 1938 — page 36: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

NEW OVERLAND EXPRESS "As we journey through life, let us live by the way.” IN THESE luxurious: days nearly all the requisites for com. fortable living can be found on wheels. We have bou. doir cars, buffet cars, parlor cars, drawing-rooms cars and sleeping cars. A man can board a train on the Atlantic Coast and not have occasion to get off until he has reached the Pacific Coast. But with all our present advantages, further improve. ments are contemplated; and the proposed new overland Tue Lyceum Car train—to be called the World-on-Wheels Special—will be another step towards the comfort of travelers. This train, beside the usual well known special cars, will have new ones, which will represent the latest swelling of the Railroad Bump on Man's cranium. First there will be the Lyceum Car, used for lectures, stereopticons, theatricals, ratification meetings, raffles, dog fights, fairs, roller skating, and the many other modes of evening amusement. Some one can always be found to oc- cupy the stage, even for Wednesday matinees; and if any ticket speculator presents himself, he can be transferred to Tue Divorce Drawinc-Room Car a slow freight train going the other way. We call attention to the sunset gun, on the roof. This, fired amid the rever- berating Rockies, will make timid travelers think that not only the sun, but the whole solar system has set. 32 —Gin Mill Idyl. Following these will be coupled The Divorce Drawing- Room Car, for the special seclusion and comfort of mismated mates, en route to the great divorce belt of the Northwest. This car will be dropped at Chicago, and switched on to a turntable. It will then be made to revolve three times, which act, according to Blackstone in “Every Man His Own Judge” (see ch. 9, pp. 1, 317) shall constitute a legal sepa- ration for all the passengers within. A complete law library (on divorce rulings, etc.), will be found over the water cooler. A telephone will connect with the engineer, thus enabling timid dames to frequently ask if a cow can be seen on the track. The Yankee-Notion Car will remove the ennui of the lady passengers, by enabling them to shop while en route; and purchase remnants on the prairies, or among the canons. The Lawn Tennis Car will enable the young to while away the hours, and get the benefit of outdoor exercise among the Sierras. Rate, per game, $15.18. Games played while pass. ing through tunnels, 75c each. Snow storm games, 13c. The Barn-Yard Car will be stocked with prize cows, prize pigs, and honorary-mention poultry. Thus, although the train will not stop ‘twixt the Atlantic and the Pacific, warm morning and evening milk, spareribs, and fresh eggs can always be had. This system of fresh farm products will en- THE YANKEE NoTION Car sure the most wholesome food, and tourists, as they whizz past the home of the Railroad Sandwich, can place their thumbs at their noses, and wave their fingers aloft in accord. ance with a well-known combination of contemporary life. The Laundry Car will be conducted by Un Hung, or some other Yangste Yankee. Each passenger can, if he chooses, change his linen every half hour (tunnels excepted), and have his washing dried in the glo-rious climate of Califor'ny! A coupon laundry-book will accompany each R.R. ticket, al- lowing for shirts between New York and Hoboken; and one between Chicago and San Francisco. Unkind reader, what does this mean? It means that, if you are alive at the close of the next century, you will have witnessed strange things! A thousand die in houses to one that meets death by rail- road accident. Which mode of living is safer? We're trav- cling by train some day just to find out. The Judge Album—1895-1900 comicbooks.com