Judge — March 1938 — page 36: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HEODORE HALLAM once de- fended a burglar. The burglar’s wife was on the witness-stand, and the prosecuting attorney was conducting a vigorous cross-examination. “Madam, you are the wife of this man?” “Yes.” “You knew he was a burglar when you married him?” “Yes.” “How did you come to contract a matrimonial alliance with such a man?” “Well,” the witness said, “I was getting old, and I had to choose between a lawyer and a burglar.” see One day when Major Heap, of the United States Engineers, was in charge, under the then Col. Newton, of the Government exhibit at the Centennial, a crank entered the office demand- ing to see Col. Newton. The Major saved his superior officer the boredom of the visit, extract., ing from the crank that he had a new invention that could destroy any army upon which it was worked. “It is the most powerful explosive the world ever saw, and I propose to send up a bal- loon over an army that would attack ours, setting the fuse so it 34 would go off the moment the balloon floated over the army of the enemy. “That is all very good, indeed,” said Major Heap, “but suppose that a cur. rent of air should carry your explosive balloon over our army—what then?” “Well!” said the crank, laying his hand on the Major's arm. “I tell you what it is, my friend, our army would have to get up and run like hell.” THE PLAY OF TO-MORROW—Act I (Enter "Wolf-eyed Gus” pursued by Myrtle, the soubrette, who shoots him. He is carried away by three "supers.”) Myrtle: Oh, how happy I am to think that me and my poor mamma will never again not be annoyed by that villain! I am so happy that I could sing. (Winks at the leader of the orches. tra, Sings.) a swoon daisy pitaaceashcn CRAZY . month of May . little Mary contrary cmon faity . heart's so gay. (Does a “buck” dance and exits). Darling “What's Dick doing now?” “Well, Dick, he’s a-doctorin’.” “And John?” “He's horse tradin’.” “And William?” “He's a savin’ of souls.” “And Tom?” “Well, Tom, he’s sorter politicianin’ aroun’.”” “And you?” “Well, I'm sorter farmin’ an’ a-feedin’ of Dick, an’ John, an’ William, an’ Tom.” see The late Dr. Yandell was fond of telling the following joke: A lady pa- tient one morning greeted him with the remark, “Doctor, I had such a singular dream about you last night.” “Indeed. What was it?” “Why, I dreamed that I died and went to Heaven. I knocked at the golden gate, and was answered by Peter, who asked my name and address, and told the recording angel to bring his book. He had considerable difficulty in finding my name, and hesitated so long over the entry, when he did find it, that I was terribly afraid something was wrong; but he suddenly looked up and asked, ‘What did you say your name was?’ I told him again. ‘Why,’ said he, “you've no business here. You're not due these ten or fifteen years yet.’ ‘Well,’ said I, ‘Dr. Yandell said’'—'Oh, you're one of Yandell’s patients, are you? That accounts for it. Come right in!” comicbooks.com