Judge — January 1938 — page 34: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

1910 President Taft signs the Arizona-New Mexico Statehood Bill ... Anti-typhoid vaccine dis- covered ... Mark Twain, Florence Nightingale, Count Leo Tolstoi die... Attempt made to assassinate Mayor Gaynor of New York .. . Puccini's "Girl of the Golden West” has APPROPRIATE TELEPHONE NUMBERS By Ettis PARKER BUTLER SPEAKING of telephone numbers, a good number for a cigar dealer would be 2-4-5, and a cheap suburban sport might as well be 4 Flushing as anything else. An Irishman wishing to dine would naturally call up a place 2-8, but a Hin- glishman ‘aving to call up a blarsted, bloomin’ creditor regarding a bill would "8-2. A lover ordering a chair would want 1.4.2, and a newly wed couple wishing a flat would want 1-4-2-2; but the Ger- man maiden refusing to marry would shout 9-9-9-9! (Oh, how clever!) If you want to borrow you wish 4.2.0, and probably that is a money-lender's number; but if you only want a small loan from a friend you will wish 2-0-5. (That's pretty cute! What?) The bookmaker should have two ‘phones—9-2-1 for long shots and 4-2-5 for favorites. The man with a dog might call 6-6.6-6— (get that?) —and the farm. er should put 8-0 on his list. If two horses were in the running and 1.1-5-4 John, he would be a happy lad and his smile would be 2-2 Broad. (This is one I 8.2 Spring on you.) And if John spent the cash for liquor, I would cry 5-5-5-4 John! But that is just how care- less John is. His drinking is hades for his wife, but it’s 7-4 John. (What, ho!) (Honestly, I could keep this up all night!) If two of you wished to be wed, you would not have 2-8-4 Spring, be- cause you could call 4.1 Rector to make you one immediately; and then, if tired of being united in one, you could go to a fat judge and let that 1-2 Broad-party- W again. (If you can't see that, ask for Information.) AN AWFUL MEANING 6 ‘ Wauar does p.d.q. mean, pa?” asked little Johnny, who is quick at pick- ing up things he shouldn't. “It means the way you will go upstairs to bed,” replied old Brown, “if I hear just one more word out of you.” 32 Yeey “You STUBBORN, OBSTINATE, CONTRARY, PIG-HEADED BRUTE! You—yYou—woman!” THE BABY’S BATH By SIGMUND SPAETH Tue baby's bath should not be too hot. On the other hand, it should not be too cold. If the baby screams, it is a sign that all is not right. In that case, dip the hand quickly into the water to ascertain the temperature. If too hot, add cold water; conversely, if too cold, add hot. Avoid the use of sandsoap or of chemicals. Frequent baths should render such heroic treatment unnecessary. Great care should be exercised to keep the baby’s face constantly above water. Enough may be swallowed in a few min- utes by the little brat to cause biliousness. THE INFLUENCE OF NEWSPAPER GUESSING When the editor of the Daily Howl guesses that a man accused of crime is uilty, this is the way he is pictured. But if the editor guesses that the ac- cused is innocent, his portrait appears like this in the paper. The Judge comicbooks.com : | Metropolitan Opera House premier... The earth passes through the tail of Halley's comet. |