Judge — January 1938 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Hon. HARRY L. HOPKINS, Washington, D. Dear Mr. Hopkins: I read in the papers the other day where the government is inviting the doctors’ advice in a proposed Federal Medical program. This is a step in the right direction, and I look forward to the time when your Administration will spend as much money for irrigating the nasal passages of the people of this great sniffing country as they now do for di- verting the waters of the Colorado River into the arid soil of the Southwest. Anyone who can dam up the North Platte and furnish cheap electric power to the farmers of Nebraska should be able to stop a case of sniffles. And just think of all the suffering that could be prevented if as much money was spent on toothache and rheumatism as has been spent on Grand Coulee Dam or the TVA! Why, if the President took the stump three years hence and told the voters he had filled 100,000 cavities since he took the oath of office he'd be swept into a third term whether he liked it or not. The way I figure, Mr. Hopkins, a toothache is something tangible—some- thing you can put your finger on—where Norris Dam and the Tri-County projects are just things you see in the rotogravure section of the Sunday paper. Ir the Federal Medical program goes through it will, ofcourse, be known as the Ah, Ah, Ah, or Tripple Ah, and its constitution- ality will have to be ruled on by the Supreme Court. The Federal Handkerchief Loan will tide the hay fever suf- ferers over the ragweed-pollen season, or until such time as they can stifle their own sneezes with. out Government aid. This puts the Government in the hay fever business, but I figure that throat and nose clearance is every bit as important as slum clearance if you look at the thing fairly. I hope the President will ap- point a special commission to in- vestigate the current epidemic of pain-in-the.neck which has been sweeping the country. Maybeitcan be traced right to Washington and isolated. I wouldn't be at all 14 UNCLE SAM, M. D. surprised if the bug is the same one that causes income ataxia. At least $10,000,000 of the billion dollar work relief appropriation should be earmarked for castor oil and rubbing liniment, and, instead of building more post offices let’s divert that fund into lumbago and athlete's foot. Then you fellows will have something to show for your money, or should I say, ovr money? For, after all, what earthly good is a new post office to a community if half the postmen are suffering from flat feet and fallen arches? Next, I recommend a Little NRA (National Rheumatism Administration) . It's pretty darn difficult to find a job these days if you can’t walk; and I think if you would soak about half the Nation's feet in a good hot solution they might get going. If you happen to meet the President en route to his fireside why not suggest to him that “One-third of the Nation is ill-nourished, ill-clothed and ill-housed,” and two-thirds are just plain i//. As far as changing the Constitution is concerned I'm all for it, provided it's my own personal constitution that’s changed. I get dizzy spells when I lean over, and if the Government doctors can put 20 pounds on my frame they can dish out my pills anytime. I've always depended on Dr. Knowlton’s advice but if the Na- tional gargle is better I'll throw his con. coction down the sink quick as a flash. Just because the present Administra- tion can’t balance the Nation's budget is no reason to believe they can’t balance its diet. So, put a stethoscope around Uncle Sam's neck and send him around. Your humble patient, —Jack CLUETT “THEY WOULDN'T GIVE ME ANY MONEY BUT LOOK AT THE PRETTY CALENDAR | GOT!” The Judge comicbooks.com