Judge — November 1937 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CROSS ISPATCHES from Rome tell us that the Italian army has begun its annual war games. What makes this item news is the fact that they've begun them at home. Now that that invention of the devil, daylight-saving time, has ceased, the evenings are long and crepuscular. We like to sit in the gathering dark, chewing our frayed moustaches, and re- flecting on the fact that we are not lon; for this world. The thought is happy; it helps us to digest intelligences like the following: You may now buy tiny tinted shades, to put on your spectacles. A manufacturer is preparing to mar- ket a table with occur legs, which ad- just themselves to any irregularities in your flooring. Industrial chemists have just devised a new kind of butter, which contains no fat and no calories, which won't turn rancid, and which eliminates Bossy, the cow. Last, and worst, an elastic telephone cord has been devised; and a new tele- phone instrument will dial your favorite numbers itself, at the word of command. When our venerable father heard of inventions like the foregoing, he used to cackle and utter this verse: “A thou- one thing, come Judgment Day.” Then he would spit, sometimes with great force and accuracy. T HAS now come to the point where it is impossible to apply a pencil to a piece of paper without winding u with something that looks like a lady's hat. UT IN Greenville, Pennsylvania, we have a correspondent who keeps us busy checking up on the weird facts he aims at our desk. His latest contribution November 1937 oo \ takes the form of dialogue, which we publish herewith, without benefit of any tesearch. “A cheery good morning to you lady. How's your vacuum cleaner working?” “That I can’t say, mister. Never had one of those contraptions.” “What! Can't see how you've man- aged ie along without the modern, improved Super-Sweeper De Luxe that lifts the yoke with marvelous ease from the shoulders of millions of housewives throughout the land, and now sells at an amazingly low figure which can be aid for by a few insignificant monthly installments while it astonishes you with its truly superlative performance, which Tl be only too happy to demonstrate on that beautiful living room rug there without the slightest obligation on yu part if only you'll let me step in'and—" “Oh, so that's what you want! Well, come on in.” “Now lady, just to demonstrate be- yond the shadow of a doubt the Super- Sweeper De Luxe’s remarkable ability to clean and brighten, I'll first scatter on the rug a couple o’ handfuls of plain road dust I've got here in a sack... and to further prove that the Super- Sweeper doesn't balk at anything I'll add a shovelful of fine ashes from your fire- place here, and now top it off with an. other one of soot.” “My land—what a mess! And on my new rug! Now if you can’t get every bit of it off—" “My dear lady, banish such fears. When you behold what happens after the new. and improved Super-Sweeper De Luxe has finished its miraculous per- formance, you'll join the millions of CURRENTS amazed and happy housewives who own one . . . Now, madam, where's your electric switch?” “Switch? Why, we don’t have elec- tricity in this house.” ‘THE NAVAJO word for motorcycle means “son of an automobile.” Po- lite fellows, those Navajos. AS IF there weren't enough trouble around lately, with the Sino-Japa- nese situation, the Hemingway-Eastman crisis, and the storm windows still wait- ing to be put on, we uncovered a dandy feud brewing in the exchange files of newspapers this month. Way out west in Kansas, the “Dalbey Tribune” had this to say: “We enjoyed the wedding of Hank Blackstone and Birdie Nelson. Hank al- ways has had big ideas, which may ex- plain why he married Birdie, who weighs 182 pounds.” hich brought the “Atchison Daily Globe” thumping into the fray, with: “The Globe submits that the above paragraph lacks decency and that the albey Tribune is a disgrace to Kansas journalism, which has always been pure and unsullied. The Tribune should be thrown into the creck, and its editor should be ostracized.” HE bed situation is one of those that chronically perturb us. A bed is, in reality, the only paradise men will ever find. In bed you live, as a watch ticks; no jolts, no retreats, no interruptions. Unfortunately, the world is full of lily-gilders, and they keep interfering with the bed situation. Certain commer- cial interests market elbow pillows, bundling beds, and other things too horrible to mention; and these same ser- pents have had the moxie to advise peo- ple to sleep raw. Most recently, a Los Angeles couple named King has been bringing discredit on beds. Mr. King claims his wife brings comicbooks.com