Judge — November 1937 — page 28: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HIGH QD HAT High Hat Doffs This month Junior's topper is off to: Westbrook Pegler for his column in an- swer to the President's statement that the movies and the radio had taken the people to school in the nation’s busi- ness . . . Ludwig Bemelmans, for his report on how a census is taken in Switzerland—they count the number of echoes and divide by the number of mountains . . . Victor Yesensky, for his chopped clam pan roasts at the Grand Central Oyster Bar . . . James Kirkwood, for his description of a fellow member of the Players’ Club—by midnight he was so tired he could hardly keep his mouth open . . . Attorney General Homer S. Cummings for his marvelous metaphor—"That is a bridge we will cross when we come to it. Let me stick to my knitting now.” . . . Allen Boretz, for naming his Hollywood farm, Fool- ish Premises . . . Ted Patrick, for his World Peaceways ads . . . Sam Love, who knows a fellow who pays for ev- erything with traveler's checks he gives a check and then he travels . . . Harry, of the Ritz Bar, for his reply to the red- nosed old gentleman who complained that he had asked five times for a glass of water—'‘Sorry, sit, I thought it was a joke.” . . . Heywood Broun, for his column on columnists in the New Re- public . .. Auerbach Levy, who claims © saw a sign on the door of an office in Vesey Street, which read: “Back in 10 minutes; have gone across the street for a drink. Cooney.” Underneath was written “Please wait a minute; have gone to bring him back. Mrs. Cooney.” . . . Harry Dart, who has moved to the country after forty years in New York, and says that the only thing he misses is the last train . . . Sherman Billings- ley, for the hamper of Scotch, ashtrays and matches he Western Unioned to your own Judge, Jr. . . . The citizens of Chicago, for voluntarily taking the Wassermann test . .. Harry Newman, for his reminiscences of a trek across Alaska on which he didn’t dare to pet his male- mutes—it was so cold their tails broke off if they wagged them . . . Senator Nye, for his consistent hammering at rofiteering in munitions . . . The Jew- ish gentleman, who exclaimed, “Me bigoted? Why, some of my best friends are Supreme Court Justices” . . . And Damon Runyon, for his comment on that issue: “’The red board is up. What's the use of talking about it?” . . . Bobby Dolan, who has figured out that the size of a night club check is inversely propor- tional to the size of the dance floor . . . Mrs. Norman Anthony, who had to hurry home to prepare her ailing husband for the worst—the doctor had ordered him to give up drinking . . . Austin Mac. Cormick, New York's Commissioner of Correction, who claims that one of his charges is so crooked that if you shook hands with him you'd have to count your fingers . . . Esme O'Brien, for just looking so gorgeous in those Sunday society rotos . . . Chet. Johnson, for his Indian Chief's definition of skiing —whoosh! walk a mile . . . Milt Gross, whose character, Mrs. Feitelbaum, asked the librarian for a book of stories by that goy, de Maupassant . . . Reamer Keller's suggested slogan for Prosecutor Dewey's ofhce—God Help Those Who Help Themselves . . . The entire Chi- nese nation, Story Department For months a process server had been trying to catch up with an elderly gen- tleman whom we shall call Mr. Regan. He tried ruse after ruse to smoke out his quarry. None worked. He could never get by the alert and husky recep. tion clerk who always demanded the nature of his business, and no matter what fiction the server invented the mes- sage always came back that Mr. Regan Then, one day, when the clerk wasn't looking, he slipped by and walked right iotp Mr Regan’s private office and there sat the imposing looking old gentleman at his desk . sdipis “Mr. Regan?” inquired the server. Mr. Regan rose up from behind his desk like a grizzly from a windfall. “Young man,” he roared, “what do you mean by coming in here unannounced? Now don't say a word. I am aware that you have been trying to see me for some time but how have you gone about it? By subterfuge, that’s how! By deliberate lies and chicanery. Now I am a respon. sible business man and your business with me is legitimate. You come here with the sanction of the courts and, I ask you, have you ever tried telling the reception clerk that you have come to serve me with a summons?” “Well, I thought—” Lt |, YOU thought, did you?” inter. OF el the aroused Regan, “Well, did it ever occur to you that such delib. erate falsehoods and dishonest state. ments undermine the very foundation of our legal institutions and heap dis. credit upon the members of your own profession? Now, young man, you walk out that door and back down the hall to the information desk. Give the man there your name and state your business —tell him that you are here to serve me with a summons.” Two minutes later the humiliated process server again stood before the guardian of the private offices. “I want to see Mr. Regan,” he told him. “My name is Schwartz and I have a summons for him. The guardian picked up the phone. “There is a man out here to see you, Mr. Regan, a Mr. Schwartz, with a summons.” The booming voice of Mr. Regan came back over the wire, “Tell the blankety blank blank blank that I'm out.” —Jupeg, Jr. comicbooks.com