Judge — October 1937 — page 29: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HIGH QD HAT 'URNSTILES click, footballs zoom through the crisp autumn air, coaches bark their orders, tackles bark their shins and Junior, good old Judge, Jt., harks back to another day—to a glorious day of center rushes and flying wedges, Why, it seems only yesterday that the cheers and huzzahs of an acclaiming multitude were ringing in these ears— and let me tell you, it was not for noth. ing that grandstands rocked with the praises of Jack Rabbit, Junior, the Ghost of the Gridiron and the Phantom of the Football Field. How vividly I recall every moment of that final bone-crushing, nerve-shat- tering game we played in the old sta- dium. With two minutes to go, the score stood 6 to 0 against us—the ball on our own 10-yard line. Ninety yards from a touchdown and only two minutes left to get it. “Time out,” called our quarter and it was then that the coach turned to me. “Junior,” he said, in that uiet flat voice of his, “it’s now or never. t out there, my boy, get out there and give them punks another drink of water!” Gridiron Guide Ah, well, enough of this nostalgic reminiscing. What I started out to do was prepare a guide for you youngers who have yet to attend your first big game. First, the necessary equipment: 1 large fur coat 1 black derby hat 1 colored feather with a letter on it 2 tickets to a stadium 1 round-trip railroad ticket 1 one-way railroad ticket 1 woman Now you're all set, we'll skip the train trip, the cold hot dogs and the containers of lukewarm coffee. You're at the stadium and you're looking for por- tal J. When you find it, football eti- guette dictates that you stroll around to the other side of the stadium, taking plenty of time. You want to be sure the game has started but, more important, you want to enter by the wrong gate so as to walk in front of as many people as possible on the way to your seats. Now for some fun. Pick out two occu- pied seats—any seats—and request the occupants to move. Be adamant, and call for an usher. When one arrives ex- lain your position to him and, in a loud, clear voice demand your rights, then fish through all your pockets and produce the wrong stubs. With a parting wisecrack, off you go, waving at imaginary friends in the audi. ence, stopping in front of people to watch exciting plays and stepping on as many feet as possible to lly settle yourself in your proper place. So ends the first quarter! Now comes the big test of the day. You must crit- icize the referee. It is always a good plan to count the number of steps the referee takes when penalizing the op ponents; when. penating your side the accepted procedure is loud booing ac- companied by such remarks as “How much are they paying you?” You should also encourage the play- ers—by their first names, of course: “Smear ‘em, Eddie, old kid, old kid!” “That's the stuff, Don. Pin their ears back!" “Hey, get that guy, get that guy! Atta boy, Bill. Atta boy!” Whenever the coach sends in a new man you must shout, “Well, it’s about time. It’s about time he put that fellow in!” And whenever your side has the ball cry out, “Hey, how about a pass in there? What's the matter with that old lateral?” Between halves, leave your seat and go around collecting as many drinks as ible. Take your rye with you but leave your girl to watch the seats. When you come back to find her missing, thank your stars that you followed Jun. ior's advice and bought only one round. trip ticket. The rest of the game should, according to Hoyle, be cloaked in a blissful haze and, young man, as you bend your footsteps homeward to the strains of “Boola” and “Far Above Cay- uga’s Waters,” you can be assured that you have attended a football game in time-honored American tradition. High Hat Doffs This month Junior's topper is off to: Johnny Parker, who rattles milk bottles when he comes home so his parents will think it's the milkman .... Boru New- man, who wired his girl a week-end in. vitation and received in reply “Sorry Afraid I Cannot Make Williams This Fall.” Boru wired back “‘Why Not Prac- tically The Same Fellows Here As When You Were Down Last Year.” ....Doc Unger, home after a fourteen. hour day in the maternity ward at St. Vincent's Hospital, who exclaimed when the phone rang again. “Damn it, there's one born every minute!’’.... Princeton's Ted Williams who defines a virgin—a homely little girl about three years old.... And Walter O'Keefe, Jr., who said, “Never mind about the | funny papers, Dad. What did Senator Copeland do today?” —Junce, Jr. and to every street In this country. Everybody uses the tele- phone. Over 300,000 ple operate the bas! And more nee twice r own It. "ne terests of all are the Good telephone servic: good wages — and a fair return to the owners. comicbooks.com