Judge — October 1937 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HOW’S YOUR COW? E anyone should ask, “How's your COW?”, don’t get alarmed. He's merely inquiring, in an indirect way, about your health. And you can answer this question easily. It requires only a knowledge of simple arithmetic if you follow the chart on this pase: Before in- terpreting these figures, however, let me explain briefly one of the organic pro- cesses upon which our physical well be- ing is largely dependent. The heat or energy which normally sustains our bodies is being burned up continuously. These recurring losses in our stock of calories must certainly be replenished if we are to enjoy good health. Unfortunately we have no auto- matic thermostat that will refuel our boiler when the heat runs low nor check it when the temperature becomes exces- sive. In the past this regulation has been accomplished by mere chance. The greatest danger occurs, naturally, when we experience an abnormal or ex- traordinary drain upon our store of heat units. And to those of us who work for a living this condition is common. At the end of a normal business day there is invariably a considerable net loss in the supply of these vital units. This reduc. tion in energy is called our “coefficient of waste” or “COW.” By means of the adjoining table you can measure precisely the losses and gains in your caloric supply during any one day. And by keeping a constant check on these figures you should be able to maintain an adequate heat reserve at all times. Such a condition, of course, spells perfect health. To give you an idea how the system works let us consider a few of the condi- tions which result in a loss of heat units. “Getting mad” for instance, is an im- portant item in effecting such losses. In an ordinary fit of anger such as that induced when you have called the waiter three times, each time louder, and he has not answered, the loss will amount to about 238 calories. But in the more violent stages such as those caused by missing a three foot putt or holding four kings against four aces, the loss may run up to 4000 or more, JEALOUSY and envy are twin sisters which may cause a serious impairment in the source of energy. Women in par- ticular are extremely susceptible to the wiles of these pesky brats. Let me cite the case of a lady in middle life who, at a public function, witnessed her husband dancing in apparent enjoyment with a blythe and buxom girl of twenty-two. The loss in this instance was computed at 4750 calories. In the more common fits of jealousy the declines will range from 350 to 740 heat units depending on cli. matic and alcoholic conditions. Physical and mental pain take a heavy toll in calories. In ordinary cases of an- 14 guish such as that produced when your horse, which has been leading all through the race, drops back to fifth place in the last twenty yards, the loss will amount to roughly 345 heat units. But in the upper brackets of anxiety such as that experienced when your entire bankroll is tied up in stocks on margin and the market is falling through the cellar, the loss of fuel may easily shoot up to 7000. This accounts for the tidal wave of sickness which swept over the country in the Fall of 1929. In considering the sources of fuel supply we find that again the emotions and sensations play an important role. Yes, happiness and joy may provide thousands of heat units for us. In ordi- nary pleasures such as having a drink “on the house” or (in women) reading the wedding announcement of your hus- band's stenographer, the gains may add up to 205 calories. But in the more luxurious raptures such as those pro- duced by love in its many pleasing mani- festations, the supply may readily be increased by 5000 to 7000 heat units. It is estimated that on the first night of cow married life the gains in caloric values may touch 10,000 for the female and 8000 for the male. This is the reason why newlyweds cat so little. In that condition people really live on love. We have enumerated a few of the major causes of caloric deficiency as well as some of the common sources of sup- py It will be necessary, of course, to eep a daily record of all emotional re- actions. Follow the chart closely in making these calculations and you will have no trouble. Now, in finding your COW at the end of the day, first consult the debit side of your emotional ledger and total the losses. Next look at the credit side of the record and sum up the gains. Then simply subtract the credits from the debits and you get the true value of your COW. If the figure is above 1000 you are in the danger and should makea determined effort to even up your score that very night. The table will give you some ideas. Why should you be sickly and run down? In this system you hold the magic key that will open up a new life of abundant physical and emotional vigor. Let your COW pull you out of the rut. Start now!—WILLIAM GILMOUR, JR. CHART Figures Given Are Calories Gained and Lost During Ordinary Day. EMOTIONS AND SENSATIONS INCREASE Arguing with t speeding ic cop about} Paying check at any midtown| night clab Betting ow horse races every] day For husband or boy friend or Yearning |For new mink coat For taking you out of psychic bid Gratitude |——__________| For giving you tip on stock market |, Reading "Judge" +1950) Asking boss for $54.00 a week| +21 alse a DECREASE expected return of from business trip Fear in hospital anteroom waiting| for bl event Aggrevation and Vexation Antlet: and” Nagging wife Listening to jazz orchestra murder the classics Anger [Holding four kings against four and aces —4530 Resentment |——___—_______| Kibitzer at any card game |—3268 Listening to stale jokes and| hard luck stories — 465 Hearing Communist extol bene-| fits of democracy Making your sweetie wait half hour in hotel lobby - Ingratitude Puns and gags on radio During courtship Serving dinner to husband one] hour late Paying last year's doctor bi Third year of married life Waiting for government to re-| duce taxes Planning how to spend Gov't. old age pension s ig through sermon in| ‘Tranquillity |" church and Shelling out for income taxes Using wrong fork for salad at Mrs. Gotrich’s party |Unannounced entrance by wife] with stenog. on your knee [Watching husband dancin) with buxom girl Peace |Watching professional wrest- Hing match + [Showing off new car or diamond Pride necklace and Vanity [Talking loud in restaurants and| hotel lobbies Cutting down your drinking t three cocktails a day Sacrifice Hearing Mrs. Jones spouting] about first trip to Europe Waiting for dubs in golf four- some just ahead — 3248 —3500 Struggling with tomato and lettuce on small plate — 895 Trying to convince husband of| is mi: 1870 his mistake at bridge Letting the wife use your fish-| ing tackle NOTE; Examples listed are common situations and should heat reserve. Values of other emotions furnished on request.—William [Hopelessness Girl with 8 trying to crash| movie jos, 2468 help pou in figuring and maintaining your Judge comicbooks.com