Judge — May 1937 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“MY DAY” News ITEM—Mtrs. Roosevelt totes a pistol EXAS, Tuesday.—This state sure is a rootin’, tootin’, rip-sportin’ place. When the chairman of the Welcoming Committee reached for the key to the city I thought it was a shootin’ iron and with a “not so fast, thar, Stranger!” I beat him to the draw and shot all the lights out—Bang, bang, bang bang! Af- ter the smoke had cleared I realized my mistake and set ‘em up all ‘round, in- cluding the boys in the back room. At noon I entertained the Women's Club, first by shooting my initials in the front door, then Mrs. Scheider, my secre- tary, held a cigarette between her teeth and I cut it in two at 20 feet. Everyone seemed very much amused when the President of the club tossed saltine crackers into the air while I re- duced them to crumbs, shooting from the hip. I'll warrant Martha Washington or Mary Lincoln couldn't have done bet. ter. When we got back to the hotel I dis. covered that neither Mrs. Scheider or I had a key to the room, so I shot the lock off the dloor—plink, plink, plink! It occurs to me that if the President would only let me loose in the Supreme Court with my six-shooter I could clear it of undesirables before you could say “Wild Bill Hickock.” After lunch we hit the trail and came home with 8 dozen jack rabbits and a couple of dozen coyotes, tired but happy. in the way home I thought I heard a rattlesnake in the sage brush ahead so I reached for my rod but it turned out to be Mrs. Scheider, who was jogging along on her pony, busily engaged in typing this column. When she gets going fast on her machine it sounds just like a rattler. I had hoped to bag a few Indians, in whom I take a great interest, but not one crossed our trail. I wonder if the children would enjoy it if, next year, instead of the customary Easter egg-rolling on the White House lawn, I rode a bucking bronco and did some fancy rope-twirling. It’s a long time since I galloped by and picked up a handkerchief with my teeth but I have an idea I can still turn the trick. After we got home, watered the horses and made camp, Mrs. Scheider and I had a slight argument and I flared up and pumped the typewriter full of lead —plunk, plunk, plunk, plunk! Unfortu. nately, I shot away the space-bar, so if therestofthecolumnrunsintogetheryouwill understandwhy. —Jack CLuett. “Mr. Pelton is devoting tomorrow to throwin, g out creditors. Would you mind coming back then?” MILESTONES HYPNOTIST aided a Boston den- tist in extracting teeth painlessly. A fellow like that is wasted in the office —he should be out making collections. v Circus men say there is nothing quite so vicious as the black leopard. Evidently none of them has ever encountered the 10.cent kitty in a hotel-room poker game. v Now there’s a new type of menace springing up—the guy who uses your phone to vote for a radio amateur two states away. v It’s great the way our celebrities turn out a hundred percent for the Milk Fund even though few of them ever drink any of the stuff. v Roughly, people can be divided into two classes—those who are your friends, and those who bring candid cameras to your parties. v From here it is beginning to appear that trying to get rid of relief is much like trying to throw away a wad of chewing gum. v And up to now, no two of the world powers have been able to agree on the number of battleships it takes to handle a delicate situation. v It used to be the old doctor's little black bag that was full of mysterious remedies, and now it’s the radio. v And just to show the type of radio entertainment we're getting these days, people have almost completely stopped squawking about the static. Mae West has the largest income of any woman in the United States. So that makes three spheres in which Miss West excels. v Then there is the King who swapped his kingdom for a clothes-horse! This is a strange land. We jam through legislation to restrain the muni- tions manufacturers and let the people who design the women's hats go right ahead. Judge comicbooks.com