Judge — January 1937 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HAPPY NEW YEAR BY M. R. DEITRICK “GOOD MORNING, John! Happy New Year, dear! Wake up, John, it’s New Year's! It’s New Year's morning with the old depression all gone and the sun shining—wait till I pull your shades up and you'll see how the sun's shining. John! Wake up, I say—your ‘ittle wifie’s come in to wish you a very, very Happy New Year, and tell you about the booful New Year's resolutions she’s made!” “I'm never going to bother you any more or find fault with you or say ‘I told you so!’ about anything. You just wait and see, if you don’t think I mean what I say! John, what is the matter with you that you can't wake up like a normal human being and be pleasant to “Good music always makes me cry—that’s how I can tell good music!” Judge your wife when she's come to wish you a Happy New Year?” “Ooo-0-0-0-0 . . . hangover. . . - “Oh, a hangover, ch? Well, that cer- tainly is exactly what you get for carry- ing on like a hoodlum till four in the morning—at your age! With those worthless bums from your office, too, instead of joining me at the Perkinses’ as you were supposed to do, The idea of reeling home yodeling at the top of your lungs in practically broad daylight! I certainly think it’s very broadminded of me to ignore your behaviour and act as if nothing had-happened and make my resolutions—which goodness knows you certainly don’t deserve. Well, are you interested in hearing what else I've resolved, or are you going to keep on lying there groaning and grunting like an old pig or something?” “. .. go ahead, ’m listening... . “Well—I've resolved I'm never go- ing to interfere with your pleasures or sermonize any more or pick on you about what you ought and ought not to do, There. That's all. Isn’t that a fine bunch of resolutions? Aren’t you pleased with your little wifie? And now tell me what resolutions you’ve made.” “Uh... couldn't think of any... .” “You—you what? Couldn't think of any? Well, I certainly Jove that—with all the faults you've got and all the an- noying and revolting things you do! Well, for one thing, you can just start out by swearing off drinking with those disgusting friends of yours—in fact, you can just swear off drinking anywhere! Right now’s a splendid time to swear off, right while you realize the folly of your ways and sce the physical harm drinking does you. Next time you feel like a drink, just remember exactly how you felt today.” “Yeah. <a “And how about quitting smoking, too, while you're at it; and get rid of that hor- rible old pipe and that aw- ful hammering noise that always makes me so nervous when you knock the tobacco out of it, and all the wanton extravagance of tobacco and cigars, too, and all the messy old ashes and butts lying around. And you can cer- tainly resolve to pay more attention when I'm talking to you, instead of acting as if what you're doing is the only thing that matters. Especially reading your old newspaper at the dining. toom table, and plunging right into your old detective stories after dinner when I feel like a game of double Canfield. Oh, yes, I forgot —lI've resolved, too, that I'm going to be completely unselfish in every way, so you can just do the same. You can resolve to be more willing to go to the movies when I want to go, or to play two-handed bridge. In comicbooks.com . --fact you can resolve to aulti--..... -»