Judge — December 1932 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Judge The Eighth Annual Rough-Dry Dividend Notice and Margin-Call Symphony of the Guild of Hormer Pipe Organ Pumypers HREE RIVERS, MICH. wy <| Dear Fellow Pumper: (easyer Based on the comparative production KAR SA) curve plotted with the aid of cracks in the plaster on the back wall of Mose Hartman’s Pool Room & Billiard Academy, a seasonal let-down in your Guild's activities might logically be expected at this time. In- stead of a flattening-out, however, the curve has recently gone into a dizzy spiral. And the spiral, moreover, is literally covered with promising lateral buds, which, properly nourished, should afford refreshing shade for the loafers in the back row of chairs all next summer. To chart-readers who make a handsome living playing the Guild’s senior securities for a rise, this turn has been inspiring. And it has spurred Guild executives, in uniform, to actionless consideration of three more vital projects, to wit: (1-a) Wiring of all telephone posts in large munici- palities to a height of ten feet as a protection against cribbing horses and beer paraders. (2-b) Establishment of a chain of super-service sta- tions where patrons of delicatessen stores may have their anchovies uncurled by college-trained workmen. (3-c) Immediate alteration of the Chamber of Com- merce advertising signboard south of Three Rivers by changing the number of feet above sea-level from 898.02 to 808.22. This is in line with the ten per cent reduction policy inaugurated to meet the present economic emergency. BSE won positions of trust, providing they keep track of their own titles. The Guild makes no provision for such a record. George Hermann Quermann, F.P., of St. Louis, Mo., pumped in the First German Swedenborgian Church of the New Jerusalem in 1896 for $1 a month. Permitted to sleep through the evening sermon, he seldom caught the organist’s signal for the last hymn and his uncle, who occupied a rear pew, stepped into the loft and took over the handle. George collected the pay, but never allowed his uncle a split on the fee. Mr. Quermann has been retained as a competent financial advisor. Alfred Archer, F.P., of Brooklyn, N. Y., once a regularly ordained Pumper, made a little extra money pumping out of hours for aspiring musicians. One of his cus- tomers was a lady who ran a grocery store. The first time she hired him he worked for 2} hours at the rate of 4 cents an hour. Instead of paying Alfie in cash she took him to the grocery and gave him ten cents worth of bacon to lug home to his mother. Mr. Archer has been made the Guild’s Supply Sergeant, Ist Cl. Philip Ashley Bridgman, Youm 22) Flossie § tT is an encouraging sign that three more Fellow Pumpers, dur- ing the past fiscal fortnight, have F.P., of \ li Vw VEEN ** Pump, for the Wind is Fleeting” uu Toronto, Ont., was rewarded for his pumping labors in the Congregational Church of Belchertown, Mass., with permission to speak a piece at a Flag Day ceremony. This is part of the piece he spoke: “Emblem of Peace, Pledge of Liberty’s sway, Its foes shall tremble And shrink in dismay, If e’er insulted it be.” Mr. Bridgman, on performance, becomes the Guild’s Head Elocutionist. He has also been named the Chief Canadian Gedickler. 'HAT’S the way it goes, with local items running out of hand. A. B.C. Hardy, F. P., of Flint, Mich., now functioning with our Wild Cast-Iron Animal Life Conservation Crusading Unit, has been notified that all specimens must be assayed before reclamation. Each must show a 37 per cent feldspar content and a trace of Oil of Juniper. Winston Mather, F.P., of Detroit, has concocted a Triple Z formula to prevent cast-iron sneezing at the Impounding Preserve. Charles A, Tattersall, F.P., of Buffalo, has been awarded a silver star for deyeloping the Tattersall Technique For Potent Pipe-Organ Pumping. He will supply de- tails on request. George L. Moore, F.P., of Wellesley Hills, Mass., Director, Division of Heckling, has per- fected a device filling a long-felt want to permit heckling by radio. Orders have been placed with William Hazlett Upson, F. P., of the Earthworm Tractor Corporation, for two bull winches to be used in future constructive pro- grams, Bull winches are Bill’s bargains this month. Allan C. Ross, F.P., of Rochester, N. Y., has an- nounced tentative plans for a secessionist movement. He will be ably assisted by George Lilienthal, F.P., of Zanesville, Ohio, and Timothy Puddler Burns, F.P., of Lackawanna. Hi Phillips, F.P., and Bide Dudley, F.P., have been put in charge of the annual Guild straw- ride to the Old Hogate Place in Westchester and have promised to see that the horse blankets are given a good, thorough airing. Meet in Times Square. Emmet Beer- steecher will be retained as marshal for another year. Guy F. Hankee, F. P., of Detroit, will list Three Rivers in Freight Tariff No. 36-B, setting up oper- ating schedules and prices at once. And Dr. Seuss, F.P., is busy perfectiny a steam-heated bird bath for winter use which will bear the guild imprint. So—there we are again . . . still facing the good old well-worn future. Remember—Truth crushed to earth shall rise again, but it isn’t quite as springy as it used to be. And Merry Yuxmas. Yr. Obed’n’t Serv’nt. >s) =< P= VA (Sgd) Grand Diapason comicbooks.com