Judge — April 16, 1932 — page 23: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Tout Ca Change I EING a professional idle fellow paid to think upon idle and use- less matters, I fell yesterday to marvelling about Change, mainly and especially in the original uses ind purposes of things we put to ymmon and everyday use and which are advertised generously all around Thus, once upon a time we were told if we washed in Linit it would nake all clothes feel like linen, Sud- fenly and without warning, Linit h become something one puts into e bath to make the skin feel like A step up in values, obviously, ther disconcerting. st, once, I believe was put y into bread and there it stayed unobtrusivel, doing its appointed k of swelling the loaf’s innards, content to find its way eventually into the human work noble, un- selfish procedure. Now yeast is for- gotten as a good raiser and has be- come a cunning substance full of hordes of tiny beasties, which if taken this way and that sets up in- testinal wars with other and hor- rider little beasties, and somehow brings the blush to the drooping cheek. And how is your IF these days? Then there is Lifebuoy soap. Once designed to clean ay grime and grit and leave a healthy glow, it has now become the bane of blood- hounds, since it is supposed to dispel what is known as B.O., or the smell of loneliness. If Eliza had only known about Lifebuoy, I hazard she'd never’ve been caught. As for Ivory Soap, designed for sensitive kin purging, it is now f used for arving out Nantucket Lighthous: Aspirin once shot its soothing atoms into the brain and knocked the most deadly hammering on the nerves. Now you revive sick JUDGE flowers with it and drop it into the goldfish bowl as a piscine pick-me- up! Baker's Cow Brand Baking Soda no longer stands in the kitchen cupboard. You reach for it in the medicine chest when your tonsils do triple back flips on rainy days. As for Listerine, you all know its histor: From — Halit (Oral Turpitude) to a Hair Raiser. Paper bags were things grocers scribbled sums on and_ inserted squashable eggs into. Now they are Potiphars, or cooking utensils to keep the natural juices intact in spinach and other hellish table vitaminions while p ring them. And chewing gum, which once kept the Woolworthy girls’ jowls in a state of furious waggling, now soothes the nerves and ves. you just that much in your bills from the neurologist. And what little boy when he still had to ta the bathtub? remembers ath in Zou can see the writing of the hand of change in the new cen- sus, too. Types of jobs have disé peared with bustles, and the need for them, and new types have sprung in their places. Once the census takers entered in the space on their records marked “Profession” thousands and thousands of such quaint titles Wheelwright, blacksmith, ca re maker, horsecar conductor, bustle maker, lamplighter, livery stable “swipe,” hostler, bicycle repairman, chimney sweep, cigar maker, hand molder, whipmaker, miller, millwright, traveling sales- man, huckster, souvenir spoon en- graver, alcohol lamp leather burne h dog trainer, tea cozy m’f’r's, dancing master, handwriting pro- fessor, bill peddler, hairnet mal and bartender The new entries run this way: Ay JUNIOR HASAT FAINTED ToLksies! 5 / —HES ONLY TRYING TO JIGELE "i fal MOVING HIS “HEAD"! A DIME GFE HIS NoSE WITHOUT \NHEN | Gel THE POPE, WHAT WILL \SAY TO ANY HIM 1 Vice president, rubber puddler, au- tomobile mechanic, brush salesman, yy motorman, crooner, soda enser, filing clerk, aviator, pro hibition agent, astrologer, movie executive, comic magazine editor, advertising agent, executive, invest- ment trust broker, silent policeman m'f’r, bookkeeping machine opera- tor, hot dog m'f'r, Tammany Investi- gator and how do they write “boot- legger” on census reports? Wet Display EEN on Park Avenue the day: A Rolls Roy nd elegant, sporting a pair of or- ange tinted “license” plates bearing the legend “Repeal the 18th Amend- ment”! I immediately put on my gum- shoes and found out that these plates can be had for 50c the pair from the WONPR (pronounced Wonpurr) : the Women’s Organization for Na- tional Prohibition Repeal, from their head: rters at 485 Madison Ave- nue, New York. I also found out that the girls are doing quite a little work in this matter of propagandizing by what they call “novelties.” For in- stance if you are a wet and would like to call attention to the fact, you caneither purchase from the WONPR the aforesaid plates or they will sell you windshield stickers, match boxes, bridge score cards, playing cards, repeal stamps, clips for women's handbags or hats, Liberty Bell in- signias, Women’s Jackets, and money boxes. other ce, green, slim (Page 25, Please) comicbooks.com