Judge — September 12, 1931 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Sones “WE SIKVE Reobiem!! a Snappy Road Work Never having had a vacation in my ten years of hard labor—if you care to call it that—last weck I de- cided to take a relaxing holiday from my arduous duties as New York Speakeasy Correspondent for the Sophomoralists of America. So I climbed into my rusty Ford and dashed, hell-bent-for-sin, around , the roads of New England and upper New York in the general direction of the Great American Oasis: Montreal. I had a secondary purpose in mind: it was to blacken the name of Jeff Machamer at all the better girls’ schools of the Northeast. I covered about 1,100 miles, 900 of which I'd like to say were detours, but I can- not, strictly speaking, since the roads are pretty wonderful nowadays. I met with the following adven- tures: I saw almost all the Christian Science churches of New England. I saw the House of David play a game of baseball with the Plattsburgers and wondered what was the relation- ship between baseballs, whiskers and God. I visited Woodstock, Vermont, and spent a night at the White Cup- board Inn as guest of Rob Royce, who is an amateur furniture design- er, printer, photographer and Irish dreamer to boot. The inn is marvel- ous, being jazzy Colonial in style but not in comfort. No Colonial ever was as comfortable as Rob can make you. Next door to the inn was Coolidge’s dentist and across the way was his barber, and was I impressed ! Coolidge, it seems, summers at Plymouth, N. H., JUDGE Ss (HSS. . five miles away, at his father’s old house and shops, has his morals over- hauled and oil changed at Woodstock, the nearest town. Rob told me that Coolidge’s father used to charge ten cents a handshake when Cal was first elected, but Cal put a stop to that. In Woodstock I met Lynn Montross, the writer, and found that Lois was in New York getting a new marriage ticket and that Winchell hadn't heard yet. I narrowly missed meeting Sin- clair Lewis and Henry Mencken, which I considered lucky; their stuff isn’t so good any more or allowed in Hoot! — fu IGH the nicer homes. I dropped over to Tom Brockaway's at Hanover, where Tom lectures history to th Dartmouthers between sk ing (pronounced she-ing: another winter sport). I don’t know what Tom’s lectures are like, but I know if he serves his stu- dents the foaming, beauti- ful amber brew he served me, his history course must be one long, crowded after- noon at an intellectual tav- ern, Tom g: ne his brew formula, which I will free- ly pass on to you for $3,500, which is practi- cally giving it away. Tom tried to dissuade me from go- ing on, promising me all the discom- forts of the trip if I stayed on with him. But I must have my life first- hand in the raw, so on I went. From Tom's I skirted around Lake George and skittered along Lake Champlain, mistaking the town of Lake George at first for Long Beach. It has gone to the hot-dog stands so badly since I last saw it several years ago. Lake Champlain proved more vir- ginal, and I luckily got thru Ticon- deroga, N. Y., without having to visit the American Ficld Museum (full 0: flintlocks and other bores). From then on nothing happened until I got to Montreal, except that the clutch of the car went the way of all junk, and I got my first impressions of Montreal from traffic jams I caused stalling along St. Catherine Street. Montreal is always the same and they feel no depression there. Since the average profit the Canadian rakes in, hovers around 6,000% (except on beer), Canada'll never be able to spend all its hoardings for the next thirty years, by which time there will be no more depression. Moreover, everybody has a job: cleaning suck- ers. And, of course, how can anyone be depressed with so much pure ex- hilarator at his elbow to chase threat- ening blues? Incidentally, Montreal has taken the place of Paris as a place to meet everybody from your home town. In other words, you go there to get away from everybody you intend to run into later. They are putting up a lot of comicbooks.com