Judge — August 15, 1931 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

* YoU MINUPACTURERS HiNE GoT To KICK THROUGH Wilt A The CASE OR “TWO GO HEADACHE PRODUCER IF You WANT YouR MORNING AFTER CURE-ALS “ESTED!” Hound ow that they have declared a mora- torium on international hatred, that swiveled canine, that cartoon- ist’s joy, the dachshund (pronounced docks-hoont), has suddenly become all the rage ax in as the D Year with the althy. I duty to make an investigation of species, and all I had ever known about the breed proved wrong. When a child [ had been told that they were born and reared under bureaus, which caused them to grow out in- stead of up, and now I find they been that way from way back, existed before bureaus, which is a long time. I had also thought them a member of the Spitz Fambly (the Spitz is a Horrid Dog), but this, too, as all wrong. They have a fatnils all their own, thank you kindly, and no bar sinisters, eithe To begin with, there are three of the five-foot breed, large, medium don ture. The two latter s ¢ invented, the idea being the larger the woman the smaller the dachshund. le dachshund is bl. and tan, but in this day and age of invention all sorts of queer types have sprung up, including the pepper-and- salt, wire-haired dachshund, with short ears and short schnozzle and a strictly American product, namely the chocolate hshund. There is also a long-haired variety. Experts tell me that the dachshund is at once the most affectionate, intel- ligent and observing of dogs, possess- ing a keen sense of humor and a dar- ing originality. They claim dachs- hunds have been trained in Germany to run and fetch a growler of dark for their masters—and they never bring JUDGE back light. And vice versa, of course. ‘They are also. veddy = melan- choly probably because they can hardly ever make both ends meet. You know how it is. But alas! The experts F that the hund is veddy stubborn, and if they feel that dark is bad for their master they bring light. re genera called Fritz and but have been known to answer to the call of “Knockwurst,” “Noch Zwe Bier Bitte,” and “Dopple senw The sales points of a good pencil-point tail, long head, thick, wrinkled paws and very short front legs. Naturally the longer the body the better, especially if you intend decorating one of them in the collegiate style with such remarks as “Hot Dog “This "ay “I Never Sausage a Dog,’ In-and-Outer,’ pelin. such nonsense. And s out in Port Washing- ton the police pride themselves on having performed a wartime deed that put them up with the heroes of all time: They ar- rested, court-mar- tialed and incarcerated a dachshund, found wandering about the town and suspected of personally putting dan- gerous bacilli in the reservoirs and smuggling war secrets to the subma tine Deutschland. Also, when buy’ one on the instalment plan hundred dollars a yard, be sure to have the entire dog delivered at once: not in sections. bernpoof.” hundare th and Gin & Jitters ounT that week lost in which an- other recipe for knocking hang- overs in the head doesn't appear on the market. So many are coming out, I'm afraid I won't be able to keep up with them in my drinking. In the first place, I haven't the necessary price, and if the manufacturers of the sure- cures want me to turn into a human AIG: laboratory for testing out their prepa rations, they've got to kick thru with a case or two of guarantecd headache producer. Secondly, I'm not the man I used to be (conditions bad everywhere) and to become a really first-class hangover-recipe-tryer-out, you've got to have hollow legs like the Statuc Liberty, not to mention the constitution of s. The newest concoction to reach me powder called “Jitters,” and it is guaranteed to take the pain out of a d that’s been hit by a hammer. I'm crazy about the name, and I con- sider it a perfect fit for the product. Nobody, however bleary-eyed of morning after, with such a name be- fore their eves, could possibly reach And n get hold of a nice young col n who iy out of work and can’t hold his liquor, Ml give him the job of my personal hangover man and let you know how “Jitters” turns out in potency. His duties’ll be simple. All e to do is to 1 human test tube and pay for his own. Who wants the job? Eye-Queues LITTLE Boy and his uncle were standing on a street corner in Salt Lake City talking to each other. The little boy suddenly looked be- hind his uncle and said, “Oh! here comes Grandfather, that will make How do you account for An apple and a half are worth three-quarters of an apple and one half a cent. Half an apple is worth three-quarters of a pear. What is the fewest number of whole pears one can buy with an even number of cents? On being asked what animals he saw on his visit to the zoo, little Ogle- thorpe replicd that he didn't remem- ber all their names, but in one section of the zoo he counted a total of 16 feet, 12 eyes, 2 hands and 2 wings. Assuming them to be perfect spec mens of common zoo inmates, what could he have seen to make his state- ment correct? Last week’s—No. 1: Holding the right end of the paper, describe one comicbooks.com