Judge — July 11, 1931 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

REAM PLays in which two brats with voices like pigs’ squeals depict the hero and heroine in their youth by playing hide-and-seek round a eucalyptus tree behind a gauze curtain, and in which the boozy stagehands make such a racket trying to change the scene quickly that the audience is rudely awakened from its dream that it is in a nice, comfortable speakeasy ... plays in which actresses play ladies of society and in which ladies of society try to be actresses . .. plays in which all the women in the cast are called upon by the manu- script to regard the leading man vat of yohimbin ... actors who labori- ously look up a word in the Oxford diction. discover that it is pro- nounced slightly differently from the yall the rest of us have been pro- nouncing it all our lives, and ill-con- ceal their superior pleasure in putting us all in our places... stagehands still visible in their shirtsleeves and chewing tobacco when the curtain starts to go up on a scene represent- ing the Grand Salon of the Duchesse de Montebello... all actors named Basil... plays in which ex-movie actors play the roles of great sur- geons, painters and statesmen... plays that open on rainy nights . actresses in the roles of chamberm: ids who have taken a course in voice cul- ture and who read the line, “Yes, mum, the garbage-can is in the cow- stable,” in the pear-shaped tones of Clytemnestra . . . plays in which the women characters, upon entering a bachelor apartment, look around and say, “How wicked!” inquire, “What room is that?" and, upon being told it is the bedroom, saucily exclaim, “I'll bet you've got a woman hidden in there!” ... Actors who smack their lips loudly upon pouring a drink out of a decan- ter...orchestra chairs with loose arms that let out a squ when the hero kisses the heroine, leading one’s neighbors coldly to regard one as a peanut-gallery buffoon . . . autograph JUDGE Ib TUADEACIIRE: GEORGE J fiends who rush down the . plays in which English temperamental finger-nails and whom the ding. men the re fore throwing the latter up in their lines _ actresses past forty who pl roles of sirens, put on filmy negligé » sirenishly on chaises-lor gestively display their faded bosoms and make the ingénue in the company h so hard that the poor girl has r out into the wings and have a stagehand pat her on the bac! valiers who go out and fete their girls drinks of water paper cups that drip all over one . plays laid in officers’ clubs Settlements, apanese valet doubling e Hindu club- servant who is plotting to overthrow . plays in which large Lee Shubert’s J in brass as Ba British rule und on the grand piano. . Producers who stand in the out of their godawful plays and disconcert_ you by : by your first t you never looked your life and don’t look a . men who sit asked by their lady- companions which one of the critics i 5 Nathan, and point out some baldheaded septus an ear-trumpet, ck, accompan and t te Hing you tl day « over twenty-one . behind you, are d by a woman weigh- at least 210 pounds... who rush up and beamingly ’ t you write sment later, 4 ne thing to someone y ignominious plays in which one cha “What you have be eter has been NAIHIAN saying is as dull as ditch-water . . the short fiction stories in the pro- gram... the “Who's Who in the Cast” in the back of the same, in which one learns that Clarisse Mul- lins, who plays the role of Cleopatra, is from a well-known old aristocratic family of Mingo Junction, Ohio, and d embroidery in Europe for twe ts... plays in which the body- rd of the Czar is found at the bot- tom of the cast of ch in the space devoted to the na tras, to be composed of Mose Gold- farb, Irving Cohen, Sidney Rosenwas- ser and Sol Ginsburg... actors in the roles of hoboes who have forgotten to take off their diamond rings . . . juve- niles who, when they enter a room, in- dicate their youthful impetuosity by flinging their hats across the stage . audiences who loudly applaud ac- tresses over seventy on their first en- trances simply because they are over seventy... Actors in the roles of millionaires who appear twice in every act with a new suit on... yokel characters in- i 1 Elmer... ploys nid s at Lake Como .. . stage but- ho never under any circum- stance scem to be less than 55 years of age... offensively kindly old ladies seated behind you who lea over and tell you that your coat-co! is askew... play journals that devote only one- of an inch to theatrical critici: profoundly scrutinize’ the’ throughout the evening with the pocket-flashes as if they were George Henry Lewes absorbed in every little nuance of the evening's hist art ++. actresses named Valerie Valaire and chorus girls named Toots Belasco ++. people who hurry excellent din- ners in order to get to plays by Benn W. Levy on time... authors who dress up for their own openings . . . critics who sit seriously through very bad plays and, when one leaves ab- ruptly after the second act, exclaim, (Continued on page 32 comicbooks.com