Judge — March 28, 1931 — page 26: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Dumb Dora’s Bro. appre Dowsine tells it) and it’s ~ about a dope who ; a job with the railroad. A foreman hands him an oil can, points to a switch and says, “Oil that switch. Go to the next one, oil that, and go on to the next. Keep it up.” The foreman forgets him and the next day is surprised to find the fellow hasn't showed up for work. Nor the next day, nor the next, and so on for two weeks. Finally, having iven up the chap and hired another, he gets a telegram which says, “Am in Detroit and out of oil, What'll I do now? Clancy.” Parlor Trickery Dept. Np, since the main purpose of this column is to encourage the vacu ous, the inane and the utterly useless here's something for you parlor hounds. Lay down a long piece of white tape and, looking your feet thru the wrong end of a pair of op glasses, and putting one foot stra ahead of the other, try to walk along the straight line, heel by toe, heel by toe. ‘Try it after a little Noble Ex perimenting. (It may be bad policy to print this—some twerp of a trathe cop is liable to use it as a souse-test.) Elsie Janus Tiere is a woman around town and a mother at that (hats off, men)—who has added to the burden of my heart. She has bartered away the dignity her silver tresses stand for —for what? For the muck called gold! In short, she has signed a con tract with a beauty firm to live for a whole year as the first hur Iver- tisement. In such vaudeville perform- she will leave one side of her face as Dame Nature de it. It will show her 57 years of gray locks, sweet wrinkles and all those beloved marks we so love on Mammy Mach The other side will be washed and polished by the aforesaid beauty doctors till it glistens with the synthetic charms of 37. It will be embossed with blond touched-up hair, a — starched-and ironed-out cheek, one sparkling eve, and one-half of a dimpled chin. Par- don an old man his tears. JUDGE Eye-Queues young Irishman comes to Amer ica from County Cork and even ly becomes a citizen of | thes: ed States. Times being hard, om March the 16th he tries to join the He is turned down. The next he is arrested on Fifth Avenue. waving a red flag. Why did they turn him down in the Navy It is a thousand miles between Chi » and New York. A train leaves Chicago at a hundred miles an hour: At the same time a train leaves New ping fifty miles an hour, Whe s, which is the farther f ither offers his ten-year-old son a one-pound or a two-pound box of candy. Which does the boy take? Last week's first reply: There were six in the family, not eight or nine. there be but one sister. In the second it would have been impossible for the motorist to cover the two miles in time. Two miles at 30m. would consume + minutes; one mile at 15 m.p.h. would also take minutes. In the last, naturally, a man couldn't’ marry his widow's sister He'd be dead, wouldn't he? Unimportant Items Tire Lindy Hop has become the otf cial gazotski of the Communist Party of New York. All social gath erings of the rads have now b nd-white affairs, ye — cullid fair ground for sowing of principles, making it a red, black and white movement, as it were. Incidentally all the Commu nists I have met are not satisfied with the ordinary pleasures of the laboring n such as bowling, near beer, priz hting, or pinochle. Nossir, for them it’s either those good old capi talistic sports such as cocktails, tea-dancing, Hinmm! Proletariat- Moskwa | University, which one: boasted a David Goldstein, who swore never to graduate until Columbia beat Cornell at football, has another per petual student about. By the terms comicbooks.com