Judge — February 14, 1931 — page 23: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

| Ye Open Door A Vittace Speakeasy was FX the other day and a friend of mine saw the place closed up and raided nd the bartenders handed When it 1 turning a padlocked their summonses. ind as they were if from the padlocked front door— bartenders and cops together—the bartender said: “Well, if youse fel- lows will step across the street with me, I'l buy you all a drink.” Where- upon the entire group, including my friend, did promptly invade the easy across the street and have a friendly drink on the ex-bartender. as over, spea Sermons in Stones Brvowe you hand out, re buy yourself a jewel this Valen- y be careful of the meaning that is gems If he hands you s no two-timing. ched to it. This’s how garnet he expects You must be there when he calls, not hang up on him, or say, “Sorry, Ih date to go to lecture with my cousin. The emerald-wearer is always as as a police officer on 49th , even though the wearer is buy- ing it on the instalment plan and the sheriff is out with his fishhooks after it. A ruby means a contented mind, which probably means having a big bankroll, There is no such onion. The sardonyx (not a fish), peridot or onyx endows the wearer with fe- licity, Whatever that means ! The sapphire presents the owner with wisdom. If a man is wearing an amethyst, all he will do is look in your eyes, ind say seriously, “Darling, 1 was never more sincere in my life!” The bore. i} me; iets hie JUDGE Theman with the bloodstone (oraqua- marine) is more the lumberja He prides himself on his square shoul- ders, his ability to carry burning young ladies out of buildings and over brooks and never tells a lic. Beware, how- ever, if he fingers the stone while tell- ing with whom he was out last night. Don't give a husband a pearl or moonstone stickpin and expect to get his insurance soon. Stickpins are out of fashion and he'll probably outlive you. The opal means that you may turn him down, stamp on him, tell him he’s not what it says on the mat outside the door, ete. He'll always come back for more. The poor sap. The girl who sports a diamond won't know what it’s all about. She'll believe in labels and refuse to pet. She will write letters to Santa Claus and talk to strange men. Be sure to find out if the tur- quoise or lay wearing is real. It means she has plenty of the ready and will get plenty more. clazuli she is Miscellaneous If she’s wearing a soapstone she'll wash out her little things and save on the laundry. A blarneystone stands for a sena- tor; and a cobblestone (hold your seats, this is good) for a shoe-maker. \SPENT 4 Good DEAL O TIME (Mm WEARING: AYACHTING CAP AN BRASS BUTIONS AN YD BE SURPRISED fw \ CFEN TM MISTAKEN FOR HE CAPN GF, Satie Carona! ~ A touchstone means he’s an ex- broker; and a peachstone that she’s teur Peggy Joyce building up a collection. stone means he’s a devotee of the jimmy and is working on your pocket at that very moment; a grind- stone, that he’s an editor; a milestone that he owns a Cord and runs it; and, alas !a tombstone that he was a pedes- GI BUT — \ DIDA' Do ANY comicbooks.com