Judge — January 3, 1931 — page 26: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE Modern Youth, Attention ! ['™ about to pass a little information (free) to the generation that never saw a bustle, a front-bang, the Max- field Parrish “King Cole” over the Knickerbocker Bar or knew that Y was the 4th of July. New Year's Eve, leetel keedeez, was not always a matter of shelling out a tub o’ the filthy for a table two miles from the music, with the privilege of making a lot of noise and slapping down per- sistent drunks that slith gal and wanted to fight. d over your I write of the days when parties were parties and not monotonous routy routs which have become boring with their repetitious Nos- sir. Then New Year's Eve was prac- tically a refined affair. I mean back in the B. P. Days. The first thing you did was to hire anything from a one-hoss shay to a carry-all and eight, according to your pocketbook. Or, if you were rich, you made ready the tallyho, shined up the footmen’s noses, the plant livery and silver blow- ers. Then, after appropriate warm- ing-up ceremonies at the theatre, at Shanley’s or at home, you collected your about-to-be spiffed friends and, piling them into the trap, appeared just before midnight at the ace-party on your list. Here, having seen the New Year's in with the proper moist respect due such a momentous ocea- sion, you gathered up your decidedly merrier friends and began driving around your calling list. This you worked right down to the last comma, dropping in to each place with new appetite roused by the ride thru the nig the zipping coolth and the exercise you got by playing circus rider on the hoss. Gradu- ally the coachman and the hosses became part of the party, and soon you were leading them into the parlors of po- lite homes. By the time your list had ameness. dwindled down to nothing and your friends were ging to sleep along tl curbs, you began investigating the parties of people you never saw or hoped to see again. This was com- paratively simple to do, as there were no 56-story windows to have to detect signs of party thru, Anyway, the New Year's Day dawn (ah; the feeling of new life, new prosperity ahead, new friends, new headaches) found you and your pals either asleep in the linen room at Jack's (43d & 6th), in jail or in the apartment of someone called Schme- renhoffer on West 87th Or you were fresh as a daisy. Gathering yourself together with a couple of pick-me-ups and a rub down, you were ready for the day's work. A fresh hoss and your com- panions hied you to 6th Avenue and had a batch of New Yéar's calling cards made up by the street-penm who made them glorious with fancy curls, didoes, and doves. Armed with these, away you went to be received by the world with open bottles, food and Later, the Keeley Cure You were a gentleman then (aside from drinking from slippers) and knew how to handle it. You never collapsed—until you reached the sanitarium. Ah! well. Those were the days. Now the one thing that made them possible has been taken from us—the hoss is extinct. ~ Vi Waa fal) Diy! > 7 Tsk! WELL, HAS BEER COME Cheap, Cheap! or those this year finding them- selves without the sugar manufac- tured by the U. S. Mint, necessary for financial transactions and known as “Money (obsolete), I suggest a cheap New Year's Eve. Husband every small scrap of silver you can lay “hands not even neglecting Junior's bank. ‘Then hie ye and party to a fine open-door establishment run by a pair of gents kown as Horn & Hardart and called the Automat. For five cents’ worth you can reserve a table and for a sock full of nickels you can stay the night. After all, entertainment have to be brought to you. entertain yourself? Analyze what it means to be at Texas Guinan’s and you'll find it’s just the noise, includ- ing that made by La Tex, sold you for a price. “Sucker” is not a new word, and it always surprises me that some martyr hasn't arisen and disprove that statement of Barnum’s. on, doesn’t Why not The crowds will be going by your Automat for the excitement, there will he plenty of actors to keep you com- pany, providing music and wit, and it doesn’t cost much to buy things to throw. Think, too, of all those levers to work. Think of being able to play engineer at the throttle, etc. Paper napkins make swell hats; and a salz- sténgel and some crullers will make a good game of table quoits. Believe me, consciousness of sur- roundings doesn’t take long to leave a person if he puts his mind to the task and his bever- ages are good. Only the snob cares about the BACK YET, satisfaction he gets out PA? of the knowledge he paid fifty bucks cover charge for a table at the Plaza in a sub- cellar. Yes, what's wrong with the Auto- mat for New Year's Eve? Lemons and cracked ice are free, incidentally. You'll find them at the iced tea slot. comicbooks.com