Judge — November 16, 1929 — page 27: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

AIG “Dear Judge, Jr.,” writes Barbara M. of Cleveland, “T am planning ona one-day pleasure rip to New York, and won't you please tell me how you think I should spend my time and money once I arrive at the main stem?” Well, Barbara, since this is a Broadway Number, and the editor has been heckling me all week, and since I may be passing through Cleveland some “time, here goes: First, Barbara, I’d get up very early, turn on the cold shower and go back to bed until I was thor- oughly refreshed; then I'd leave for the Battery and feel my way to the beginning of Broadway (Broad- way rises in Gertner’s Restaurant and flows and flows due North). While crossing Battery Park I'd stop in’at the Aquarium. You can neck in the upper balcony near the Octopi. (Most of the Octopi there were captured out of capitalistic cartoons around the offices of The New York World.) . . . Thence on to No. 1 Broadway, where the Mercantile Marine has its offices, and from there to 120 Broadway, where the Rockefeller vice-presidents hold conferences and whisper about John D. Jr.'s giving them a bad name by flipping nickel tips to barbers and waiters and nothing for the bootblack. .. . I'd miss Wailing Wall Street—the crush of bodies lying around would be too depressing and there’s plenty depressing ahead. From Wall Street it's only a step to the Woolworth Tower, which is rapidly becoming a famous jumping- off place for broken brokers. (They're selling para- chutes on the 45th floor now just in case some of the brokers should change their minds.) The Old Gray Mayor Forward to City Hall where you can get the keys to the City, if you know Jimmy Walker and can find him. Drop in and ask him about the last of the old La Guardia and tap a few wires with him, or what- ever else he may have around the place. Then grab a street car and dash on uptown till you get to a certain hotel near Johnny Wanamaker's. There you can throw the bones around the green felt. It will probably cost you plenty. But what of it? You'd only spend it later, anyway. . .. Thence to Wana- maker’s which hasn't been the same since Grover Whalen turned in his floorwalker’s boutonniére and began to play with the traffic lights. Little Red School Broadway, from Wanamaker’s to Madison Square Park, is very dangerous. Some onc is liable«to sell you anything from an enlistment in the proletariat armies of the International World Union to a pain- less, means of exterminating buttonhole workers. VATE | A Rubbernecking Party Along New York’s Rue de la Pay and Pay But by carefully picking your way around the soap- boxes you come finally to the Macy-Gimbel line. There's nothing much to do there unless you slip over to Seventh Avenuc and tear a few herring with the garment workers. But that wouldn't be shinneying on your own side, so stick to Broadway and you'll find a peach of a’Woolworth store at 35th Strect. The, Kahn Game . . . Continuing on up the stem you'll soon reach the Metropolitan Opera. House. There you will find a dapper little ‘gent ‘standing behind a lovely white mustache giving away gold pieces out of moncy bags piled near him. .‘He is handing out funds for art foundations, and if you've got a foundation you don’t know what‘to do with maybe he'll pass some out to you. Now if you can avoid the ticket specu- lators, Gatti-Cazz-azz-a-za-za, Al Woods and the Shubert boys, head:straight for Times Square. You'll recognize it by the thousands of acrobats and boop- boop-a-doops arguing on the strects. Also the cop on duty has feet so large they are continually getting in the way of traffic and tying up Forty-second Street... . If night has fallen you ought to wander around to the automat for some baked beans, thence on to the Roxy and, by the way, if you were looking for an apartment with no rent to pay just move into the balcony of that theatre. They'd never find you. Be kind to Walter Winchell should you shuffle into him in front of Lindy’s and maybe ‘Walter will be kind to you. . . . Soon you will have reached the El where it crdsses Broadway at 53rd Street and you can begin demolishing it right away if you like. They’ve threatened to do so for years. ... Then on to Colymbus Circle where a quick dip in the Maine Memorial in your scanties will get you in the Daily Mirror. But that, of course, is up to you. Grab a hansom cab here and amble on up through the wealthy cloak-and-suited> environs of West End Avenue. You will soon pass Columbia University, intellectual bargain counter and den of professional football (even the lousy amateurs beat them). Here you ought to get out of the cab and dive into the sub- way where they'll shoot you up to Van) Cortlandt Park. The subway is the best way to make the trip unless you care to make it by snowshoe and smoke glasses. But the likelihood.if that there will be very little snow around and even smoked glasses won't help around Washington Heights.» Van) Cortlandt Park is the official end of Broadway and it is there I must leave you. I have a date with a blonde and a fellow