Judge — January 1939 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ERE it is December, just about time to throw out the first sidewalk Santas, and Junior, wrapped in contentment and an old Indian blanket, is busy blessing-counting. Take, for instance, the eternal December verities In December you can be sure that the shows that were going to close have closed; that you won't possibly be able to get into Madison Square Garden for the hockey matches even with a shoehorn; that there will be more new derbies in Wall Street and more black homburgs on Broadway than tin hats on the Marne; that children will be almost saintly; that sixteen ski companies will be moan- ing the lack of snow; that an equal number of railroads and ship lines will be play- ing Florida and Bermuda for all they are worth ay an ant dote; that Macy's store will contain half of New York at any given moment; that a mo- ment is all they'll give you; that debutantes will be too unutterably utter; that no- body will do their Christmas shopping carl ety will’ wax so. completely clever thatall communications in it will become merely a mat- ter of expressions and ge tures, after which it may be ble for the cafes to resume iginal function of serv- coffee toanyandall comer and that our entire popula- tion, irrespective of race, cole or, or previous condition of servitude, will sink into a coma on the 26th inst. t cafe soc OPEN LETTER Ci Hon. Fiorello H. LaGuardia, Mayor, New York, New York. ar Mayor, T turn to you, sir, as a pros 1, beach tector of the downtrodden and a defender of the right. Nowhere ele, I feel sure, can T obtain justice tempered with mercy. A fraud hay been perpetrated upon me by the sovereign State of New York; T have been victimized by a great soulless thing in Albany. On the night of November 28th 1 way driv- ing along the Henry Hudson Parkway and, ap- proaching the toll gate, paused to pay my ten cents, “Thank you, chum,” voiced the hulking uniformed oaf who changed my quarter, al- though I had never seen’ the fellow before. Smarting beneath this familiarity, | drove on— only to find, some hundred yards further, that Thad been presented with a Canadian dime! A Canadian dime—a fine thing! A worthless scrap of foreign lucre, an ill-patterned chunk of alien metal which I can pass on only at the risk of name and reputation, Could [ turn back—in a one way drive in a line of traflic— in short, could I obtain redress? No. And to think that the man called me “chum!” Chum, indeed. What he meant was “chump.” Hendrick Hudson would never have done this thing, Mr. Mayor. Nor Seth Low, nor John Purroy Mitchell—yet you call yourself a reform mayor! I demand that this be turned over to Mr. Dewey before the racket gets out of control—and that soon, before your Henry WITH JUDGE JR. ns of New York ond burghers from the Provinces ore invited by Judge, Jr. to movie short at the write him for onything they wont to know cobout ploces to ploces to woggle the foot ond moke merry, ‘ond roilroed ond hotel jon and roles, Junior won't moke t, ploces to drink, and jervations, but he will do his best to ment lend © hand. Hudson Parkway Authority degenerates i piddling forcign exchange bucket shop. Iam, sir, Indignantly yours, Judge Junior. OVERHEARD BY AGENT 47 In a Madison Avenue bus, a maiden cooing “L dreamt of George Brent last night”... On Sist Street, two portly gentlemen. with brief- Around cases, one of whom suddenly turned meaningly to the other and clipped You take care of South America, Has- brouck” ... Ina Heroes of Science Capitol Theatre, the running comment for a jungle scene which featured the follow- ing breathless state- In these dark forests and dismal swamps lurked the dread tsetse fly, dead- ly with death”... And from a WPA publicity man that since the WPA bought overstocked clothing inventories, they have received every conceivable sort of offer from other manufac- turers, culminating in a letter from a flower-seed dealer. ‘The particular brain-child of this horti- cultural genius is that, if the government will buy his seeds and pay all costs, he will guar- antee that all the flowers will blossom simul- tancously just in time to send a bouquet free next Memorial Day to every woman on Relief. HOME TOWN BOY Junior has a friend named Bob. Bob came from St. Louis, Mo., to New York, where he made a big splash as a successful lawyer. In the course of time, it was natural that this news should reach St. Louis, Mo., where it was re- ceived with pleasure, albeit with the usual na- tive reserve. Then one day on Times Square, New York, Bob stopped at one of those news- stands selling out-of-town papers and purchased a St. Louis Post-Dispatch. As he walked away, he threw what he thought was his New, York paper into a public wastebasket. ‘Then, discovering that he had thrown away the prized Post-Dispatch, instead, he went back to the basket and began to search through the accumulated trash. Suddenly, he heard behind him a familiar voice. He looked up into the face of an old friend from St. Louis. “Hello, Bob,” said the friend. Probably very few people know that every time they walk along or drive through Rocke feller Plaza, the street which bisects Rockefeller Center in New York they do so only by the extreme courtesy of Columbia University, of all places. Strolling through one day, Junior counted in the street cight brass plates _in- scribed: “Property Line of the ‘Trustees of Co- lumbia University. crossing by Permission Only Which Permission Is Revocable at Will.” Junior almost expected to feel a heavy scholas- tic hand descend upon his shoulder and look up into the forbidding features of Nicholas Munay Butler. Gilda Oakleaf, of the ast of “Bachelor Born,” once went out to Holly- wood under contract. Her first day in Califor- nia the banks cloyed. On the second her stuc was hit by a strike. On the third there was an earthquake, She is now back on Broadway for the rest of her days. Our sign department reports the following: Outside the Rialto Theatre, Times Squar “The Missing Guest—2 Murders, 16 screams, 12 hulking shadows, 4 fainting spells, 3 clutching hands, 1 sliding panel and 3 nent.” Note to somebody in the Doubleday Doran bookstall in Grand Cental Stati Four Minutes.” In letters easily a foot high on the Bookn Bookstore on Fifth Avenue someone has in- scribed this mesage: “New and Old Books in Various Laguayes.” Presumably they also carry English books: At 8th Avenue and 46th Street an enterpris- ing restauranteur whose coo we hope, could never be a bizarre ay his Ok English runs “Ye Eat Shopp GO PLACES With a swish and a click, we bestow on these places our Good Juniorkeeping Seal of Ap- proval (with palms): Le Mirage, at 125 East 5Ath Street, a nice little supper dub with music: Larue, 45 East 58th Street, with Eddie Davis’ orchestra, the Russian Kretchma, 244 East Mth Street, with a new gypsy revue if you like Gyp- sies; Dimitri’s Club Gaucho, deep in the Village at 245 Sullivan Street where the tempo is Lat- in; the Palm Room of the Commodore, with Sammy Kaye's music (“Swing & Sway with Sam- my Kaye.”); Barney Gallant’s (How dear those childhood scenes!), still doing a brisk business with its old standbys of the carriage trade, down at 86 University Place; the Couon Club, very Broadway, with Cab Calloway’s Jive School and a new theme dance called “The Boogie Woogie,” which Junior will skip; La Maisonette Russe of the St. Regis, where they are also THE JUDGE FOR JANUARY comicbooks.com