Judge — September 1938 — page 40: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Interview “What is your name, please?” “George Haines,” “And your occupation?” “I work for a movie studio. I'm a sound effects man.” “You mean you simulate certain sounds to be used in motion pictures; is that correct?” “Yeah, I guess so.” “Now tell me, to select some things at random, suppose you had to produce the effect of a pile of bricks falling, how would you do that?” “Oh, that? I have a large machine that throws two bricks against each other. The sound is caught by a super- sensitive microphone, magnified several times and echoed back and forth to make it sound like a lot of bricks falling together.” “You wouldn't just knock over a pile of bricks?” “Heck, no!” “Well now, how about the effect of an airplane motor turning over?” “That's easy, I just run a vacuum cleaner.” “Then how about the sound of a vacuum cleaner?” “Cinch. I run a 'plane.” “Very well. Suppose you want a lion's roar, what then?” “TI take an empty barrel, stretch drum heads over the ends, and pull a resined cord through the drum heads.” “Look now. I don’t want to appear nosy or try to tell you your business, but why couldn't you let a real lion do the roaring?” “Gosh, I dunno. It's kinda unethical, “He saw that done in the movies once.” sort of. Like shooting a sitting duck, I guess. Anyway, they'd never stand for it. A guy'd never last pulling that stuff.” “Thank you very much, Mr. Haines, it's been very interesting. I must leave you now. I'm interviewing some comic strip cartoonists next to discover where they find dogs who bark ‘Arff, Arff,’ and people who give out a sound like ‘POW! or BAM.” when struck over the head,” LESLIE JACOBY. If I Were— If | were only Don Budge, and Donald Budge were |, My service would be a comet cannonading by; He'd double fault or hit the ball into the unfair court, And | would never gnash my teeth because my shots were short. He'd shake his head and lamely say, "That one had too much wood," And | would sometimes drop a game because | knew | could. I'd skim the net with volleys that he'd never even try, If | were only Don Budge, and Donald Budge were I. If | instead were Ralph Guldahl, and Ralph Guldahl were I, He'd dub his heavy tee drives with an agonizing sigh; | would be full of confidence though | were in a trap, While pessimism would be his at shots that are a snap. I'd sink a putt from forty feet, with rank ease | would flip ‘em, While he would take two fruitless swings before he'd even chip ‘em. I'd travel o'er the course sub par, and he'd hit a new high— If only | were Guldahl, and that guy Guldahl I. —DOW RICHARDSON. Figures of Speech I was soaking wet and the wind lifted me clear off my feet. (Exposed to a few drops rounding a gusty corner.) I tried to get here on time, but was tied up in trafic for hours. (Delayed five minutes while school children held fire drill.) We all went out and got stewed to the gills. (Slightly high after three beers.) When I was in New York I never got to bed before one. (Two late nights in Greenwich Village.) Ladies and gentlemen—I stand be- fore you totally unprepared. (Spent week rehearsing speech.) I never cat anything before retiring. (A glass of milk, several helpings of pie, miscellaneous fruit.) I finally got to him after fighting my way through his whole office force, (The switchboard operator asked him to wait.) Prices are slashed, lady. We're selling out at a loss. (Usual margin of profit.) He told a perfectly stupid joke that everyone had heard at least fifty times before. (Wanted to tell it himself.) Mary turned white as a sheet and I died of fright. (Was running too fast to notice, and lives to expand the tale.) P. A. BAUMANN. comicbooks.com