Judge — January 1938 — page 25: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

IF | DARE SAY SO By Charles B. Ir ought to be a big year for the world and a real treat for the human race. We have so many bigoties who know so much, it’s hard to sce how we can go wrong. ... The Great Man in the White House must have something up his sleeve, and if he can’t pull out a rab. bit to scare away the recession, the coun- try will begin to lose faith in miracles. . . . But you can’t beat a Great Man who can pull a toothache on you just when the customers are beginning to yawn. An abscessed tooth, with a good publicity man and a fair sort of dentist, can do more to win friends and influence voters than a fireside chat, unless the chatter is superb. . . . As the Old Year smoldered to gray ash, two millionaire ladies went slumming. The Press went along, to chronicle the reaction of the peasantry. ELEANOR ROOSEVELT called the square dances and had a swell time, but DORIS DUKE CROMWELL lacked the training, and didn’t know how to act among jobless miners’ families. . . . Well, circumstances count for a lot. If DORIS had a monarch for a husband, bountiful and good, raining largesse up- on the peasantry, she, too, might play MARIE ANTOINETTE for a night, milking cows, dancing with the farm- hands, kidding the miners. . . . Before the New Year bells ring too gaily, let us think, during two minutes of calliope music, of our old friend, DEXTER January, 1958 Driscoll FELLOWS, of the circus, who went away as the year grew old. . . . Today he is press agent for the New Jerusalem, that amazing, marvelous, magnificent city, and he will come again with 24- sheet posters covering the sky, to an- nounce the date of the General Judg- ment, Greatest Show on Earth... . DEXTER, incomparable friend, I'll meet you at the box-office, and, as of old, you'll see that I get in, with all my friends, won't you? Happy New Year to JUDGE CRATER, so far from Times Square, and to JIMMY WALKER, so far from the feed-box; to AL CAPONE, whose friends were that sort of people, and to JAFSIE, who, tossing other people's money over the cemetery wall, set the pattern for a new national economy. . . . Glad New Year to GLADYS GLAD, undaunted by a silly name, and to MARY PICKFORD, pioneer in face- fixing and eternal youth-holding-on.to. . . . to PAT CROWE, living still upon the glamour of his old crime, and to MISTINGUETTE, who lives upon the glamour of her old legs . . . and, of course, to ANNETTE KELLERMAN, remembering that in youth I strained my eyes, trying to see more of her, and would strain them still. . . . Gay New Year to EDDIE CANTOR, who knows how to make money out of having a fam. ily, and to the ROOSEVELTS, who can make almost as much out of being a family . . . also to DR. H. K. WELL- INGTON KOO, who knows how to sell a bill of goods, and to H. V. KALTEN- BORN, who has been ill. Better Ick this year to JOHN BARRYMORE and ELAINE, who made the prize gilded asses of themselves dur- ing 1937, and to the WINDSORS, who fired off the year's most elegant rocket . . « yes, and to JULIANA, year's low in royal sex appeal . . . and a flicker- ing little hope that AMELIA EAR- HART and FRED NOONAN may be seeing the New Year in on some island not bereft of romance and elemental PROSPECTS FOR 1938 glory. . . . Successful 1938 to TOM DEWEY, the cloud upon the political horizon, no bigger than a man’s man. Hearn for the year, and increased prowess, to PAPA DIONNE, who has done so much for our sentimental world and got so little reward . . . and to DOC DAFOE, who knows Opportunity by sight when she comes howling to his door... . May the year bring back FATHER COUGHLIN from the shush pond and administer the vow of eternal silence to GERALD L. K. SMITH, who rattles around in the boots out of which they booted the Pastor of Royal Oak. Great big hand of the year to DALE CARNEGIE, for making Success respect- able once more, and hats off to the mem. ory of OLD DOC FRANK CRANE and ELBERT HUBBARD, who waxed senti- mental about the job of making lots of money, and thereby made housefuls of it. . . . Platter for the best journalistic autobiography of the year to EUGENE LYONS, who, while confessing his own Soviet sins, shows the world how WAL- TER DURANTY and the others do not write as they please. . . . Grand salaam of the season to GEORGE M. COHAN, who, on the eve of 60, comes back as the top-billing Playboy of Broadway... . Medallion for worst guess of the year goes to WILLIAM ALLEN WHITE, who picked LITTLE FLOWER LA. GUARDIA as presidential stuff. Let's give a Happy New Year rouse (Page 80, please) ? " comicbooks.com