Judge — October 1937 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

squirmed, hung his head and said yes. “What for?” asked the commissioner. “For speeding on a bicycle in 1906,” mumbled Mr. Wilden. For the past thirty-one years Mr. Wilden has been trying to forget his police record, to bury the past and make a new life. He has been trying to go straight since that dark day he stepped from the shadow of the police station back into the world of men. It is easy to picture him squaring his shoulders, throwing out his chest, and telling him. self determinedly, “It's not going to happen again!” erhaps there was a struggle within him for awhile against the temptation to get out the old Bike and go scorching down the lanes once more, but in the end we know that will-power triumphed. Surely, then, we should not condemn him today. Mr. Wilden paid his debt to society thirty-one years ago. Why rsecute him further? Jean Valjean stuff, that’s what it is. A LEONARD of New York is the * only man in the country who makes gun stocks to suit physical handicaps and peculiarities of shooters. For instance, a man with a right glass eye who shoots from his right shoulder has to have a gun stock four inches out of line from the average. Also, men with long or short necks, cross eyes, etc., have to have their special gun stocks. So far, Mr. Leonard has never been called upon to make a special stock for men with little or no brains, Any regulation army rifle, it would seem, answers this purpose ad- mirably. Broody Business TOUCHING little tale comes to us from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Miss Ruth Knie owned a hen which was in a fair way to becoming famous. This original fowl laid a double egg (one inside the other) and after a couple of weeks rest tried to repeat. This time however, one of the shells broke. After a while, during which we suppose she brooded a bit, the hen tried again. The double egg arrived all right but the re- port says that she wilted under the strain and died. The official cause of death was over-production, but we have a sneaky feeling that it was just dis- appointment over the broken shell. She slipped up on that one and probably realized that her public would never forgive her. Such is fame. OSEPH SCHMIDT, of Wingham, Ont., distrusts stocks, bonds and other paper investments, so when he had $2,000 to invest he bought a block of steel weighing three tons. Now Mr. Schmidt is sitting back and waiting for a war to start—anyway—to unload at a handsome profit. Meanwhile, he doesn’t have to worry about fire or burglary in- surance. Renovations HEN Mendelssohn wrote Lonen- grin, he only completed half the job. He never got around to writing the sonata for the way back. And the march from the latter is almost as pre- valent as the march to it. At any rate, let’s see what excuses are used when couples attempt to untie the marital knot. 7 Over in Montclair, N.J., a woman divorced her husband because he pre- ferred to sleep onta platform built in a tree instead of asbed. She got the di- vorce. ‘ In Ohio, a man married a woman with a glass eye. After the ceremony, and upon making this discovery he filed suit for annulment, The court, however, refused to grant him his plea and in. formed him that the doctrine of caveat emptor prevailed, let the buyer beware. In St. Louis, recently a woman asked to be freed because her husband ob. jected to her serving sauerkraut and spareribs for their first meal together. The court refused her plea and told her to get a new recipe book. In Salem, Mass., a man objected so strenuously to his wife's driving that he reached from the rumble seat and pulled her hair, boxed her ears, and twisted her wrist. The next time he rides in a rumble it will be sans a wife. A man in Kansas City thought that his wife should go to all of the wrestling matches and prize fights with him, and when she refused he filed suit for di- vorce. It was denied. Now he will be able to get his fill of wrestling and fight- ing right in his own kitchen. In Indiana a woman petitioned for divorce because her husband preferred going to night school to taking her to the movies; and in St. Louis a man wanted a divorce because his wife's dumplings stuck to the roof of his mouth. As far as the judge was con- cerned, the dumplings are still sticking to the roof of his mouth. In New York a man filed suit because of his wife's coffee. The court told him that he didn’t have sufficient grounds, In the petition, that is, not the coffee. Another New York lad asked to have his marriage annulled since his father- in-law promised him a $25.00 a week job in addition to a wife. He got both, but the job only lasted a month. The judge told him that marriage wasn't a W.P.A. proposition and denied his plea. Then there's the tragic case of the Missouri politician whose wife com. plained that her husband made love to win votes for his candidates. The de- cree was granted when testimony dis- closed that he became engaged to four women at one time in spite of his be- trothal. Besides, he was a Republican. A PENNSYLVANIA man sends us a small envelope which he got from a laundry. The laundry left a bundle at his home although there was nobody in to pay for it, and hence the envelope, with the following legend on its front: This laundry has NOT been paid for. Please enclose . dollars for route man to pick up on next visit or he will be liable to instant dismissal. Cordially yours, THE BLANK LAUNDRY. FOOTBALL is beautiful, Beaut-iful. Listen to almost any broadcast of a game almost any Saturday afternoon and you will quickly realize that, of all the sports, football is indeed the most beau- tiful. Listen: “He's going to punt! There's the kick—a long, beautiful spiral down the field to—" “He's fading back to throw a pass!— He heaves it!—A long, beaut-iful pass from Ouchawowchi to Wowchacou- chi—" “Oh boy! A beaut-iful piece of block. ing that time by—: “It's a perfect day for football, a beaut-iful afternoon here at the Sinker Stadium—" “—Smackling takes the ball on his own five-yard striper and brings it back five-ten-fifteen-twenty yards! A beau. tiful ranback by Smackling, folks—" “They're taking out—let’s see—Num- ber Seventy-nine—Seevil! It’s Seevil, the big, rangy right guard for B.T.U. He's played a whale of a game in there this afternoon, a BEAUT-iful, bang-up ame!"* Yes, football is beautiful. Just Beant. iful. The Art of Making Friends WHEN the light of intelligence penetrated the thick cranium of the caveman, the first use he put it to was in the fashioning of a weapon, a weapon of protection against his _ natural enemies, the savage beasts of the fields and forests. Our antediluvian ancestor's ability to supply himself with a weapon was what distinguished him from the beasts who had to rely on claw and fang. But he soon made another start- ling discovery; that he could employ this weapon in attack; that he could bash in the skull of his fellow savage and take unto himself whatever benefits might accrue from such action. But what a change in human behavior have centuries of civilization wrought! How culture has refined the savage in- stinct! Man now has the wisdom of the ages to draw upon; the experience of the human race through innumerable centuries to furnish the light for the lamp of experience that guides his fect! How different from the primitive is the modern man! Today man still employs his ingenuity in fashioning weapons, very elaborate Judge comicbooks.com