Judge — September 1937 — page 29: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HIGH QD HAT Queeries ‘OR too long Judge, Jr.’s been going through life accepting fate, unques- tioning and uncomplaining. But now that the hot weather 1s over, or most over anyway, there are several things your re. vitalized correspondent wants to get off his manly chest—some querulous ques- tions he wants to ask, some ponderous problems he wants to propound. For in- stance, Junior wants to know: Why wrong numbers are never busy . .. Why panhandlers never want any- thing but a cupacawfee . . . What's hap- pened to all the old Hi-Li bats? ... Why taxi meters always jump an extra nickel just as you arrive at your destination . . . If anybody ever reads the printed stuff on the backs of telegrams . . . What the man who designs women’s hats does when he’s sober . . . Why people always feel superior when they look out the window of a dining car... Why restaurant own- ers don’t give the bum’s rush to those twerps who insist upon mixing their own salad dressing . . . Where Brooklyn Bridge goes to. . . Why brokers wear derby hats . . . Why men remove their hats when a woman enters a hotel ele- vator ... Why they keep them on when one enters the elevator of an office build. ing . .. Why some men wear those little feathers in their hat bands . . . Why no one ever returns a lead pencil after they have borrowed it . . . What bootblacks argue about when they shine your shoes . .. Why women look in every mirror they pass... And why men do. : . Why the glass behind so many cabbies’ heads is cracked as if by a bullet... Why the Pennsylvania Railroad makes you pay a penny for a glass of water... Why peo- ple will pay eight-eighty to see a show and then kick if they are overcharged five cents by the grocer .. . How many theater critics have written good plays ... Why women invariably pick a door- way or a turnstile in which to stop and do their gabbing . . . Why they never have a nickel ready for bus fare... Why they always get off buses backwards . . Why State highways are always re- paired in the summer and steamboilers tepaired in the winter . .. Why women will pay twenty dollars an ounce for per- fume and then drink cocktails until they smell like Joe's bar-rag . . . Whether we're going to lose an hour's sleep or gain an hour's the end_.of this month. Story Department The other evening, or rather the other morning, found Junior easing out of the Waldorf on his way to a bowl of chili and a few hours’ sleep, when who should appear but one of NBC's well known script writers who, for story pu! We will cal Mr. John Parker. aie Mr. Parker manoeuvered himself through the lobby and, tacking along the north corridor, finally arrived at the top of the Lexington Ave. stairway, where a lone attendant, with mop and pail, was spreading the marble steps with a thick. ish sort of soap. Johnny, we'll call him Johnny now, put his foot on the first ste and, with one hand on the railing, skid- ded the entire length of the stairway in a standing position. At the bottom he turned, saw us, and exclaimed, “Hi, Jun- ior, ya know 's a funny thing but I never knew there was an escalator in here be- fore!” College Survey Being as how September is college time, Junior has gathered together a few carefully culled facts about those institu- tions of learning which are located right in his own Backyard, Somebody is always making a survey of something. Columbia is the largest university in America. Its students come from all over the world. It gives courses in everything, from sitdown striking to bull frog racing. It confers thousands of degrees. It is famous because it has produced three things. Lou Gehrig, Eddie Collins and the worst basketball teams known to mankind. Fordham is a university with a law school in the Woolworth Building. The law school and the university are as far apart as the poles. The Poles are all on the football team. The College of the City of New York also has a football team. Its football team once played through an entire sea. son without scoring a point. However, C.C.N.Y.'s crew has never lost a race. C.C.N.Y. has never had a crew. New York University is a Hall of Fame, with a college attached. The Hall of Fame is full of busts. So is N.Y.U. Manhattan is a college built specially for the sons of politicians. Manhattan has a swimming pool. The pool is used to supply the college with ice. Barnard is located opposite Columbia. Barnard girls are very intelligent. They wear flat-heeled shoes and tortoise shell glasses. They take courses with long names. They know all the dates in his- tory. Nobody in history ever dated them. Hunter College is the female C.C.N.Y. The College of Mt. St. Vincent pro- vides the students of Manhattan with dance partners. Nobody expects Mount gitls to know anything. Most Mount girls live up to expectations. Manhattanville is a college. —Jupce, Jr. A MILLION PEOPLE LIVE IN TELEPHONE CITY comicbooks.com