Judge — June 1937 — page 34: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

IF | DARE SAY SO BY CHARLES B. DRISCOLL HO wants some choice Old Mas. ters? American millionaires sweat- ed through three generations and a thousand European galleries, collecting oil paintings of heaven, hell and Saint Peter, and the bottom has gone plunk out of the market . .. . BANKER JULES BACHE tosses a houseful of them to the public while he’s still alive. IRONMAN HENRY CLAY FRICK left his marble mansionful to the City of New York. J. PIERPONT MOR- GAN has been selling off a choice bit now and again, but the market won't ab- sorb much high old art .. .. HANDY ANDY MELLON gives his forty mil- lion dollars’ worth to the country, and can't even get out of an anti-trust suit for it... . I'd give my thirty million roubles’ worth of KERENSKY bonds to get out of a speed ticket in Westchester, but I'm afraid to mention it to the Judge... . There's an expensive canvas in Lenox Gallery, New York, by AN- DREA DEL SARTO, “The Perfect Painter.” It's called Tobias and the Angel. The Angel wears wings that even HOWARD HUGHES couldn't fly with, and though I die for saying it, I've seen off-hand bits by JAMES MONTGOM- ERY FLAGG that seemed closer to life . . .. Angels, in our day, should be aerodynamically correct; else the cus- tomers won't buy . . . . PROF. SAM LANGLEY designed an airplane that wouldn't fly any more than DEL SAR- TO'S Angel, but he was Chief Bigwig at Smithsonian, so they still pretend up there that SAM invented the airplane. The rest of the world knows ORVILLE and WILBUR WRIGHT did it, and that's why the first plane stays over in England. Stick to it, ORVILLE; the olticos will wake up and Truth will fave its inning, even in Washington . ... ADMAN LEO BOZELL, of Omaha, says he's ridden more paid miles, on business, in airplanes, than anybody else, and I think he should get a petrified copy of a standard airliner lunch in recognition . . . . They gave a fellow a trip to Europe lately for being the millionth ger on one airline, so let's get going with a set of Pulitzer Sky Prizes. LYING over slate-gray West Vir- inia mountains lately, I met The Perfect Congressman, handsome, suave, golden.voiced JENNINGS RAN. 32 DOLPH ... . At every landing con. stituents swarmed, crying thanks for roads, runways, walls and towers, and collecting promises of more federal projects. He never missed a first name nor failed to ask after a baby. Consult- ed no memo. Parting, I gave him a counterfeit piece of eight, since we'd been talking of treasure. Said he, with deep emotion, “Thank you, CHARLIE; I'll keep it through the years!” And I'm not even a voter in his state... . Sol explored ancient Gallipolis, in Ohio, and found no brawling there over Supreme Court or Spanish War. Chief issue in barbershop and bank is: Will FAMOUS ODD McINTYRE ever return to occupy the deep.cushioned home he has pre- pared for himself against the highly im. robable rainy day? Families divide and rother glares against brother over such as this: Was ODD a lazy good-for- nothing, or just a dreaming genius, back in those golden days? MILLEN BRAND sounds such a made-up name that I thought there was no such person when I read his pretty-good novel, The Outward Room. But PHONEPUBLI. CIZER GEORGE PECK says, “Sure, he worked for me, copywriting, and pound. ed out that novel in three years, partly at the office. I never beefed about it.” ‘What say, MAX SCHUSTER; a phone ad on the flyleaf of the next million copies for that? Sad to see The New York Woman in trouble, but I grin secretly over a letter I wrote its editor after the first number, saying those frightful covers would chase cus- tomers away . .. . Called on AL SMITH to wish him happy landings on his first voyage abroad; found him looking healthier and younger than during the boiling era of his last politixing. OHN BARRYMORE aarries off the season's golden tankard for per- sistency in making a holy show of him- self ... . people would be talking about him if he were a drinking man... . DR. LOUIS CHARLES KARPINSKY was telling me how University of Michi- gan got five trunksful of letters and manuscripts of the American Revolution . + including correspondence of and about BENEDICT ARNOLD, JOHN ANDRE and others . . . . more exciting than MARY ASTOR’S diary .... You see it's all done with keepers and ran- sackers. GENERALS CLINTON and HOWE and their descendants were keepers. Garbage man never got yester- day's papers at their houses, and AUNT FANNY ’S letters went into the garret; not the fireplace . .. . Came HOISTER WILLIAM L. CLEMENTS out of Michigan, with money made selling hoisting gadgets, and hired ransackers. Simple rule: Destroy nothing, keep everything, and stuff attics for posterity . + « Cartoonists who do kids are al- ways childlike, I've noticed. BOB BRIN- KERHOFF is as devoid of guile as his own LITTLE MARY MIXUP ... . PERCY CROSBY skips from mood to mood as unreasonably as his SKIPPY could do . . . . and GEORGE MAR. COUX answers serious talk as irrelevant- ly as his moonstruckk TODDY ... . .. . . HISTORIAN HENRY FORD says labor unions originated in Wall Street, thus proving that history és bunk if it is hatched in Dearborn .. . . GRA- CIOUS EUGENE GRACE, at 61, wants to take a poke at anybody who says UNCLE CHARLIE SCHWAB isn’t earning his $200,000 a year... . I'll risk the punch on the nose, GENE. If you look around the shop you'll find some puddlers and bookkeepers worth more than UNCLE CHARLIE to the business . . . . Yes, brothers, Labor will abuse its new. power like nobody's busi- ness. But did you ever hear how Capital abused its old power? There's a story for the book in that! Maybe, as MR. NIETZSCHE tried to say, they're human, all of *em—too human! ALT LAKE CITY builds a beautiful mountain out of broken bottles. Couldn't New York do something like that for the World's Fair, MR. GROV- ER WHALEN? An ice-capped range of lofty peaks, made of jardinieres, hang- ing lamps and mustache cups. Miniature golf courses fore and aft, served by the rest of the trolley cars. Call it Past Per- fect, and knock their eyes out... Can't we take the lying out of war, and make it humane? Military men say gas and flame-throwers are merciful, but no- body can defend the lying . . . . Every story that's come to us from Spain has been told two ways, and colored alter- nately red, white, and hopeless indigo. I'm impatient with the newspapers over it, and shan't take sides until the returns are all in .. . . In China they shoot lepers before big audiences and plow under every fourth opium-eater. ‘What'l happen to the New China when they fin a out-they can cure measles that way too? comicbooks.com