Judge — May 1937 — page 19: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

BERT CARROLL CALLS UP VERY now and then Bert Carroll calls up. He wants to know if we will be home this evening. He asks briskly: “Are you sure you'll be home?" Yes, we are sure of it. Well, he wants to come out. He wants to come out for a quiet evening. He has been out very late the last couple of nights and he'd like to sit around and chew the rag a while, then go home and turn in early. He asks: “‘Will you be there at nine. fifteen?” He is clear about this: it is manifest he does not mean nine-fourteen or nine-sixteen. Yes, we will be home at nine-fifteen, Also at ten-fifteen and celeven—All right, all right, Bert is com- ing out. At nine-fifteen, he says, after making sure that nine-fifteen is satisfac. tory and he is not interfering with any other plans we might have. At nine-fifteen the phone rings and it is Bert, who wishes to say that he is un- expectedly delayed and will nine-thirty be all right. Yes, nine-thirty will be beautiful. At nine-thirty Bert is not here, but at nine-forty he is on the phone. “Well,” says Bert, “how are you, you big stiff? Look, I'm a bit delayed. Just called to let you know I'm starting right now. Good-bye, you old stiff, you.- See you in a few minutes.” Bert does not see us in a few minutes, but he calls in a few minutes to say he is starting, and do we want him to bring a bottle of gin. He's just getting into a cab—that is to say, the cab is waiting for him to get into, which adds up to the same total. He's at the corner of Fourteenth and Seventh Avenue, and he's waiting for a cab; no he’s just gettin, into a cab. He can just as easily pick up a bottle of gin, or maybe it should be two bottles of gin. How would a nice quart of gin go? He will be up in ten minutes. Leaving right now. G'bye. HE next time Bert calls, a half hour or so later, it is not Bert, but some- body else. It is somebody who identifies himself as George, who, in turn, is a friend of Bert's. They have got to the corner of Tenth Street and Sixth Avenue. They are losing ground rapidly. “This is George,” says George, “and I'm talk- ing for Bert Carroll. He has asked me to say that he will be a little late. He has a cab—"” The rest is lost in the uproac at his end of the line, but it makes no difference, we have heard the one about the cab, so we tell George everything is all right, everything is fine and dandy, and we'll ex Bert in short order. An hour later a party by the name of Johnson, or Ronson, calls to say that Bert still is busy, but will leave in a minute, and in fact Bert wants to talk tous. He calls Bert in a very loud voice, and Bert gets to the phone, in fact en- tirely too close to the phone, and says May 1937 well, well, well, you old stiff, how are you anyway? Leaving this very minute good-bye; see you in a jiffy. During the next half hour trouble has developed in Bert's party. Internal trouble, probably due to a difference of opinion, or more likely it is a half dozen differences of opinion. The first voice to come at all clearly over the wires is identified as that of one Joe, who, like everybody else in town, is calling on be- half of Bert. It seems that Bert has asked him to say that he (Bert) will be late, after all. Following this, and slightly mixed in with it, comes a femi- nine voice, very attractive, but it sweeps past the transmitter without saying much that can be broken down into syllables, and now it's Mr. Johnson, or Ronson, and he says Bert has told him what fine people—At this moment Bert gets into it, and the girl comes back, and the phone goes bang and the next thing Bert is talking to us, slowly and distinct- ly and not without a certain di; ity, and he positively wili be here in fif— The conversation ends abruptly, due to trouble at Bert's end of it. We jiggle the receiver several times just as they do in the movies, then hang up and decide to let it go at that. HE phone rings at two-fifteen. Somebody wants to know if this is our number, Yes, this is our number. Is this our name. “Yes, this is our name. Well, a gentleman, a distinctly sober and greatly bored gentleman, is calling in be- half of a gentleman by the name of (consulting a memo) Albert Carroll. Mr. Carroll regrets that he can not be with us this evening, as planned. Mr. Carroll wishes to know if we will be at home tomorrow evening. In which event, Mr. Carroll will call us. —Donatp Houcu. comicbooks.com