Judge — March 1937 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WHAT PRICE EXECUTIVES? Or How to Tell the Sheep from the Goats News IrEM—Members of the American Society of Mechanical Engineers are attempting to discover a gauge by which they may determine the value of business executives. THIS IS INDEED a weighty problem, but not by any means one which defies solution. Herewith, for instance, is a series of simple scientific tests leading to the development of a formula which will provide a quick and accurate answer to the salary question without benefit of slide rule or staying up nights. The Decibel Test Since ONE of the foremost duties of an executive is refusing salary increases, this test measures the volume of the executive roar in replying “NO!” to such requests. The dial of the Decibel Test Meter is divided as follows: “Refusal—Firm Re- fusal—Roaring Refusal,” and last and highest rating: 'And-if-you-don't-like- it-you-know-what-you-can-do!” Where an executive bellow sends the needle to “Roaring Refusal,” the candi- date is considered as having the ability to save his company a minimum of $50,000 annually in rejected pay in. creases. Where the “NO!” sends the needle slamming against the pin into the "And.if-you-don't-like.it-you-know-what- you-can-do!” class, it may safely be taken for granted that at least a score of men will quit in anger during the year, saving the company an estimated $100,000. In either case, this service is held to be worth exactly 10 percent of the total saving to the management. Let the Decibel Test Meter reading equal X. The Quake Test ALL EXECUTIVES quake more or less at the mention of John L. Lewis, the wor- rier of industry. The bigger the execu- tive, the greater the quake. The Quake Tester is a simple machine resembling an ordinary bathroom scale, but much more sensitive. It records on a dial the degree of quake when the ex- aminer turns up his collar, pulls down his cap and hisses: “John L. Lewis!” The score on this dial is figured: “Concern 1—Worry 2—Nervousness 3 —Jitters 4—Screaming Meemies 5.” Most executives rate fairly high on this device, with almost all personnel men recording the Jitters. Executives in the automobile industry were found to be especially sensitive, usually sending the dial to Screaming Meemies. Since the Quake Test represents the degree to which the executive takes the welfare of the large stockholders and directors to heart, a favorable reading is greatly to be desired. The reading figures as a mul. tiple in the formula. Let the Quake Test equal Y. “Here’s the bounder who's been eating our debenture sixes!” The Kiss and Make Up Test. THE ABILITY to forget that business backed Mr. Alf M. Landon for the Presidency of the United States is a third important requirement of every executive today. If, in answer to a question as to the identity of the Presidential candidate in the late election the executive replies Roosevelt, he is given 1, indicating a perfect score. If he replies that there were two, Roosevelt and Landon, he is given .5, indicating he is half right. If he replies Landon, he flunks the test and is discharged without the customary two weeks’ pay. This factor figures as a di- visor in the formula. Let the ability to forget be Z. The Years of Service Factor. YEARS OF :service cannot be ignored in any wage formula. Since employes of 25 or 30 years standing are nearing the Pension age they obviously are about to ome a burden on the company, a fixed charge on which there is no hope of return. While it is always desirable to discharge employes nearing the pension age, this frequently cannot be done, espe. cially since the New Deal has introduced a number of Communistic ideas which have weaned public sentiment away from some of the practices that were good enough for our fathers, but apparently are not good enough for us. However, the wage formula can be ad- justed to take care of veteran employes by subtracting from the annual wage a sum equal to $10 for each month of service with the firm. Let MoS equal the months of service. Thus, the complete formula: X times Y divided by Z minus MoS equals Executive Value. Or, Decibel Test multiplied by Quake Test Divided by Kiss and Make Up Test minus (Months of Service times $10). Here is how the formula would work out in the case of an executive of 30 years of service who made a perfect score: X. Decibel Test —10 per cent of $100,000 equals $10,000. Y. Quake Test—Screaming Meemies, 5. Z. Kiss and Make Up Test—Roose- velt, 1. MoS. Thirty years (360 months times $10) equals $3,600. Thus: $10,000 times 5 divided by 1 minus $3,600 equals $46,400. This formula should satisfy the most exacting engineer executive. It is care- fully and scientifically worked out and will enable any man to tell whether or not he is underpaid. It is, indeed, hard to imagine anything more just and equitable. Certainly no executive should find fault with a formula which proved he was worth $46,400. —E. R. Noperer. Judge comicbooks.com