Judge — December 1934 — page 19: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Judge HIGH :AR JUNIOR: This is to advise you of Princeton’s new and flourish- ing Do Anything Organization. We do anything within and without reason for a nominal contingent fee and our service is confidential. Should you have anything—anything —that you want done at Princeton or elsewhere we would be appy to serve you. Nothing is too much and nothing is absurd. Now don’t get us wrong. The Do Anything Organization is not a whim but a serious business organized to make money, which we have been and are doing. We have done everything from furniture repairing to advising a senior who wanted to get marned. We have had and filled orders for a toucan (a small South American bird with a huge beak and feathery tongue), a pair of Scotch bagpipes, and a bottle of fruit flies. The latter was for a study of inheri- ce tendencies. We do so much furniture repairing that ¢ keep the tools in stock, a little liquor testing for skeptical te a lot of date making aking, letter writing, dirt and info procuring, and ger advising. We are doing some work now for one of the big national maga- (info on the personal vagaries of the footer te: and have been assured in a letter from the editor of at any time he wants anyone bumped off he will certainly y to Us. The way the organization is set up, we have four part- ners: the Chief Tycoon, the nominal head of the comy the Brain Truster, who thinks up ideas and things; ch gineer, who does the furniture pasting and li- ey tor ny; quor testing and fruit fly growing; and the Strong Arm Man, who does a multi- tude of work, including the bill collecting. Some of the Dep'ts are the Advice to Lovelorn Dep't, the Tough Guy Dep't, and the Knows- All Sees-All Dep't. We have branches in other big colleges and we go to New York or Philadearthia ourselves on any jobs there. Some of the things w done and are doing are by their very nature confiden- tial, altho they certainly would make good copy. We have one major theft on the record but it was for a good cause, I hope this dope will stimu- late the urge to call on us someday someway. Our mot- to is: We clean up the blood, ve NI 4 “It's marked ‘Not to be opened till Christmas,’ lady!” 17 HAT nd we'll give you spec ¢ it your own way. prices on job lots, or lots of jobs, Best wishes, ( igned) Chief Tycoon AR CHIEF TYCOON: I certainly was glad to get your letter and I want you to know that [ have your work cut out for you. But before y out my Five Year Plan, I want to congratu- y your organization. It seems to me you are carry- ing on the true spirit of Alphonse Capone. Also you are probably the first student I’ve heard of doing something use- ful with their college careers. I shall do anything I can to help you along. Here is the little set of jobs I want you to tackle right away. Iam very anxious to get them done and, if I under- stand you correctly, there’s nothing you won't attempt no mat- ter how strange it may sound. rst, I'd like to have you hoys dig up some new jokes for a chap named Cantor who does an offal lot towards making the ether hideous with so- called comic material. While you're at it you'd better get some for Block and Sully and George Givot, too. I want you after that to bolster up the Harvard and Yale Football Teams. I'd suggest you purchase a few thousand Ibs. of raw boned beef on the hoof from the same stock Crisler patronizes and present them to these ninny While you're about the football business, fix up Princeton with a isn’t competing with C.C.N.Y for ional football recognition. I'd suggest an opening game with Alabama, Also. please do something about Manhat- tan, Fordham, and N.Y.U. They’re our National Pigskin Problems. Their ideas too big for their grids. You couldn’t by any chance get me a combination moth and golf ball? The problem of idle golf balls becomes so acute every winter, I'd like a moth ball you could hang in the closet when the snow is on the course and drive ain in the spring. Could you send Mussolini to Hollywood? Here is an actor spoiling for a new part and wasting his time on the Spaghettios for next to noth- ing where he could be paying off the Italian National Debt with his weekly salary checks. And are you any good on (Page 20, please) schec are comicbooks.com