Judge — April 1933 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Judge The Forty-Eighth Annual Situation Solution & Snappy Spring Style Mandate Of The Guild of Former Pipe HREE RIVERS, MICH. Dear Fellow Pumper: The none-too delicate instruments in the : laboratories of your great organization, all of which require a pretty healthy sock before they register anything at all, show unmista bly that Amer- i is still standing at the crossroad, and that events are in the saddle. But optimism continues to prevail, with a slightly synthetic opt content, because prospects for a rapid spurt away from the crossroads is indicated .-3 in the two major campaigns scheduled *~ for immediate adoption. These cam- paigns, by all rights, should rock the nation to what is left of its foundations. At the suggestion of Bill Crapo, F. P., of Detroit, Mich., Chief Trouble-Shooter for the Mid-West Swiss Chard & Zinnia “Zone, all es, henceforth, will be faced in clumps, rather than singly, as heretofore. This policy will obviously make for a large saving in time and agony. Under the leadership of Wilbur L. Rice, F. P., of Providence, R. I., the old-time art of walking picket fences will be revived as a pastime during bank holi- days. Simultaneously there will be a resurrection of the companion art of holding a slat against the pickets and racing past, to be chased downstreet by the irate fence- owner. During the month of March millions of pleased conch-shell listeners reported their satisfaction with this phase of Guild service. And after the Ides of March, as an economic measure, had been reduced to a single Ide, things kept coming and going, as usual, Chief Gedickler Edward Carlton Nettels, F.P., of Battle Creek, Mich., reported a substantial in- crease in the floating supply of gedickels. The Annual Gedoppler’s Steeplechase for the Northeast Mounted Scrod District was held at Boston and resulted in a dead heat, the honors going to Ralph Mason East- man, F.P., and Jay Rogers Benton, F.P. The speed of the Guild’s trained gedop- plers has increased materially since the metric system was adopted. Clifford H. Pangburn, F.P., of Chi- cago, launched a vitriolic and relentless assault on newspaper head-line writers who persist in the unauthorized use of the title “Quint” in connection with basketball writeups. Mr. Pangburn’s campaign song was “Quinting Tonight.” He won a silver star. And so did Donald Calef Bristol, F.P., of Franconia, N. H. for that middle name. Those seeking inside information on (Form 872 %-Abbie-%) ** Pump, for the Wind is Fleeting” 1s = " rgan FPumpe UN ete te, re we > either campaign will do well to get in touch at once with either Will or Wilbur. Elimination of a threatened collapse of the punch- press used in designating new officers permitted the imperishable bestowal of honors during the last fiscal quarterly on Percy Richmond Freeman, F.P., of San Antonio, Texas, and Thomas Dwight Wilson, F.P., of the U.S.S. Chester, San Pedro, Calif. a tall, skinny youth back in the . Freeman was in love with a young lady who sang in the choir of the Grace Episcopal Church in Memphis, Tenn. To show off a little, in the hope of winning favor, he pumped so in- dustriously he blew out the bellows while the young lady was straining on a soprano solo. The resultant wreck of solo and organ was magnificent, Mr. Freeman losing his job and coming in only for the blackest scorn from the soloist. Mr. Freeman has been exalted to the office of Chief Bellows Buster of the Guild. Mr. Wilson pumped in the First Presbyterian Church in Hope, Arkansas. At the request of his sister, then eight years of a he remained at his post in the loft after church ces and pumped her hand at the body's Doing It’ floated out over the pious throng lingering outside for their after-church gossip. It pierced the gentle buzz of voices and the calm of a small town's summer Sab- bath like a true herald of Hell.” Weighty plans for going abruptly off the gold basis and substitution of a cast-iron standard, coupled with the issuance of cast-iron scrip, ai ow being seriously considered by the Committee On War-Time Expedients & Flaxseed Poultices. Through Hawley Starr Simpson, F.P., of New York City, a bounty on groundmoles’ feet has been wangled to augment the timely revenues of the Sparrow Snatching Colony. No home-cooked embargoes are contemplated at this time. But the prospects for a return of the rubber collar to popular usage among Guild members are very shining. An official proclamation may be expected hourly. Fellow Pumper! Spring and Arthur Pound, F.P., are just around the corner. Look ever to your Guild for guidance. Keep your eyes on your dog-eared has- socks. Don't forget to throw out an occasional lifeline. And let me hear. Yrs to a cind’r, a OB Grand Diapason