Judge — March 1933 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Judge The Twenty-Third Annual Trade Shift Indices Chart & Instructions For Unpacking of the Guild of Former Pipe Organ Pumpers HREE RIVERS, MICH. Dear Fellow Pumper: Outside of a slight delay, when it was necessary to stop the Demmycrat wagon and ews up a large whinnick to pound the left front tire back on the “felly,” your Guild’s progress during February continued to Stagger the Beholders. Two major incidents were chron- icled, and here they are, in the order of their unimportance: (A) Following the rift at Columbia University, Technocracy, with the rift thrown in for good measure, was taken over as a wholly- owned subsidiary. It is now being tenderized. (B) Grand Fagatto Richard West Saunders, from his windows in Washington Square, learned of the formation of a company to market the pink conch of the Bahamas as a food product. Sensing a prohibitive rise in prices which would seriously affect the Guild’s program to place a conch shell in every- home as a medium for cheap entertainment, Mr. Saunders sought to forestall this eventuality. ‘Would it not be better,” he pointed out to the promoters, “to see the happy, pleased smile on the face of a conch-shell listener than the bestial grin on the chops of a conch-fed glutton?” He received no reply, but the fight for rights in the conch orchards of the Bahamas is on. And in this bitter struggle for domination, your Guild will have the assistance of two able officers who have but recently tromped to a place in the purple of perpetual recognition—Ludwig King Moorehead, F. P., and James A. Cruickshank, F. P., of New York City. Me. MOOREHEAD, while pump- ing in The Old North Church H., left the handle during an harangue of one of the greatest mesmeristic evangelists of that far day and joined those who went forward in a frenzy Meeting House of Canaan, N. of religious exhalation. He trudged home that night filled with idealism. He reached for his silver watch —a graduation present—to put it under his pillow. It was gone. One of the doughty brethren had filched it. Mr. Moorehead has been appointed Superintendent In Charge Of The Guild’s Free-Will Offerings. And Mr. Cruickshank, in the loft of the Lafayette Avenue Presbyterian Church of Brooklyn, once replaced the lead weight on the cord of the wind-gauge with a rubber eraser. The friction of the eraser against the side of the organ casing reduced the up-pull, and he always made himself believe there was more air in the bellows than was actually the case. Mr. Cruickshank has been installed as the Guild’s Base Deceiver. Meritorious achievements such as Form 999 Hallie-99 % «Pump, for the waa is Fleeting” pty these at the handle of an elder civilization are becom. ing increasingly numerous. Coincidentally, activities tend toward a bulge. Tubby Essington, F. P., of Dayton, O., that fine, old colonial ruin, and Felix C. Holt, F. P., of Detroit, own brother to Toe Holt, are opening a plant to turn out stop-gaps for inflation. These will work quite a bit like a good old-fashioned basswood bung. J. Copeland Gray, F. P., of Buffalo, is perfecting a plan with Chief Trem. olo Archer Gibson, for marketing candied organ peals, The National Metal Trade Association of Cincinnati has placed the first order for a No. 8 Tuechter Stresser, C. W. Partridge, F. P., of Kansas City, has started an energy survey which will ultimately bring about the abolition of the 10 o’clock feeding for infants. C. Wil. lard Cooper, F. P., of Worcester, Mass., president of the U.R.C., has applied for blanks required for a prospective consolidation of assets. And the Ren H. Rice, F. P., mentioned in the January report is the same old Ren H. Rice, but he is from Spokane and not New York City. RS. C. H. TEESDALE of Cle- burne, Texas, and Mrs. Catherine D. Cram of Greenbush, Mass., have inquired about a Guild auxiliary. Both were notified by memo that this was a nice idea, but. Robert G. Coulter, F. P., of San Antonio, Texas, a leader in the advertising field out there, reports some excellent catches of crappies and bluegills. The Sparrow Snatch- ing & Snaring Colony founded in January received its initial set-back when an attempt to slide through the heads of two hoot owls for the two-cent bounty was detected by an alert St. Joe County official. L. G. Burr, Jr., F. P., of Cambridge, Mass., has ap- plied for the post of Chief Fraughter in all situations that are fraught with interest. David M. Kendall, F. P., of New York City, will serve as Alternate Fraughter. And Dr. Esterhazy, in a grandiose gesture conceived on a recent visit to Washington, stepped into the Old Snug Restaurant yesterday and asked for a plebiscite. He got a smoked herring. Fellow Pumper! American stands now at the crossroads! according to our lead- ing exponents of hurled syntax. But what the nation needs is a Guild member with no warts on his index fingers which might be confusing, to point the .way out. File applications at the Tie-Sheds. Keep your tires tight on your “fellys.” Shun evil companions. And let me hear Yrs tr’ly, (Sgd) Grand Diapason comicbooks.com